


Lost In A Dream

by v_nikki



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Comfort, Dark History, Flashbacks, Idol Life, Insecurities, Mental Abuse, Scolding, fatigue, friendships, kihyun centric - Freeform, mean manager, mention of suicide, physical abuse eventually, sick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2019-10-07 19:16:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 42,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17371793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/v_nikki/pseuds/v_nikki
Summary: Hyunwoo thought it’ll be just fine.He really thought things will be okay for the next seven months.Besides, Hyunwoo wasn’t the one who had greeted the new manager at the front door. And he certainly did not hear what the guy had said to the defenseless Kihyun.It was only the beginning.And the addition of new people somehow leads to the discoveries of unexpected events.orAn au of mean manager where Kihyun is targeted for his personality and him trying to handle it on his own.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Behold Monbebes, for I've entered this fandom thanks to my persistent best friend who insisted me to watch their shows and now I'm hooked and Beautiful is on loop for my peace. This is my first fanfic for Monsta X and it is a multi-chapter story with Kihyun as the main character. Be warned, the journey will be angsty but no one dies, I promise. For now.  
> Leave me your precious thoughts and kudos! <3  
> Have a nice day :)

CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION   

“ _Hongshik hyung is taking a few months leave for personal reasons. The company has decided to not end his contract as Monsta X’s manager and instead found a temporary substitute for 7 months. He will be coming to work on the first day of Hongshik hyung’s leave and will be given an official introduction by the administrator. Any further discussions shall be handled by the administrative. Have a nice weekend._ ”

There it is, Hyunwoo thought silently as his eyes scanned through the text on his phone screen. They’ve been informed regarding the temporary change in their management having Hongshik hyung himself to explain the whole thing to the group. Apparently, the guy needed some time away from the company to find inner peace and had opted to travel to some cities. He never mentioned the names but Hyunwoo thought with the money he’d just recently won from the lottery, he could be going around the world with his lovely wife and children.

The leader sighed.

He could hear the sound of small noises coming from outside the room no doubt belonging to Kihyun who was up earlier than the rest of them. Hyunwoo listened for a second longer; the other occupants in the room were still in deep slumber and the clock had only strike ten o’clock moments ago. He let his body slacked further into the mattress. He’d only woke up due to his phone beeping signalling the text and feeling gratefully well-rested for the first time in the week that Hyunwoo had managed to keep his eyes opened longer. Contemplating between going back to sleep or washing up for the day, Hyunwoo gave in to the latter as he caught Kihyun’s soft humming from behind the door along with the sound of sweeping.

     He sat up, stretched his long limbs and got on his feet. His hand absentmindedly grabbed for the towel at the end of the bed and walked to the door. The first thing that caught Hyunwoo’s attention was the movement in the kitchen so his legs reroute and he towered over their main vocalist within a few steps.

     “Morning.” Was Kihyun’s way of greeting him. “You’re up early, hyung.”

     “I could say the same thing about you.” Hyunwoo told him which earned him a weird look from Kihyun’s face.

     “I’m always up early.” The smaller guy stated, moving about between the fridge and the counter and sometimes checking the pot on the stove.

Hyunwoo scratched his head. “What are you making?”

     “Chicken stew. Is that okay with you?” Kihyun looked at him for approval which Hyunwoo had always perceived as an endearing trait of the younger guy.

At the lack of response from the taller guy, Kihyun spoke again,

 _“_ We ran out of meat and I was thinking of going for groceries after we had lunch. It’s too late for breakfast already.” He explained further. Hyunwoo internally wondered whether Kihyun realized just how domestic he sounded most of the time.

The leader nodded his head. “I’ll go with you. Are you almost done?” He asked, finally acknowledging the grumble from his stomach.

Kihyun gave him a small smile. “In a while.”

“I’ll go wash up and wake the others up then.” He said and left for the bathroom.

     When Hyunwoo returned, Changkyun was already awake and helping Kihyun setting up the table in their small living room. Hoseok, whom Hyunwoo belatedly noticed despite his big frame was seated at one corner of the table, eyes barely opened and stifling back a yawn.

     “Hey kids, let’s eat!” Hyunwoo announced, lightly banging the frame of Jooheon’s and Minhyuk’s bed to get them up. A soft groan followed by some twisting and untangling limbs from the blanket gave Hyunwoo a halfway success. The biggest obstacle however belonged to none other than their comic guy.

     “Hyungwon-ah, wake up.” Hyunwoo cooed at the messy bundle on the top bunk. The other lead dancer had his entire being covered so Hyunwoo pulled the blanket off of him and shook him by the shoulder.

     “Wake up, Hyungwon-ah. Kihyun prepared lunch for us.” The leader tried one more time and was rewarded with a slow but solid thumbs up. Taking it as a progress, Hyunwoo left the room and went to join the others in front of the tv. It took ten minutes for Jooheon and Minhyuk to join them and another five for Hyungwon to show up.

     A chorus of gratitude for the food was made as they indulged their first meal of the day accompanied by the constant buzzing from the television. Midway through their lunch, the dorm bell rang.

     “Are we expecting anyone?” Minhyuk asked whilst chewing, eyes questioningly looking at their leader. Hyunwoo shook his head, mouth filled with food.

“Who could that be?” Hoseok mused out loud, stuffing himself with more kimchi.

     Hyungwon chimed in, “Hongshik hyung?”

“His flight was in the morning, remember?” Changkyun reminded him and their mind was brought back to the talk they had with their on-hiatus-manager the previous day.

     “I’ll get it.” Kihyun muttered when the bell rang for the second time, putting down his chopsticks and Hyunwoo’s gaze followed Kihyun until he was out of sight.

     They heard the door clicked open and the sound of Kihyun’s voice conversing with a foreign one. A few minutes passed until Kihyun came back into view and Hyunwoo instantly caught the change in Kihyun’s demeanour as another figure stepped into their dorm.

     “Guys,” The main vocalist started, “this is our new manager.” He gestured to the other presence; a young-looking guy with soft features and mildly fair skin. From where he was standing, Hyunwoo thought he was almost as tall as Hyungwon since Kihyun barely reached his shoulders.

     Their new manager bowed politely, hands clasped on his front. His smile stretched along his face.

“Hello, Monsta X. My name is Park Myungsoo. I’ll be your temporary manager until Hongshik hyung returns. You can call me Myungsoo hyung, I’m only a couple years older than Shownu.” He said sheepishly, flashing a smile to Hyunwoo who awkwardly beamed back.

     “I apologize for coming unannounced. I was hoping to meet all of you before we start our schedule tomorrow at the company.” He looked expectantly at the rest of the group.

Hoseok spoke first.

     “Come on in, Myungsoo hyung. Make yourself at home.”

Then Minhyuk joined. “Have you eaten, Myungsoo hyung? We’re having lunch now. You can join us if you want. There’s still so much left. Right, Kihyun?”

The younger guy had a look on his face but was quickly erased as he moved over to the group and picked up his bowl.

     “Y-yeah. There’s still some more.” Kihyun stuttered out, grabbing his chopsticks from the table. “I’ll get you the utensils, Myungsoo hyung.” He walked away from the group with his own food unfinished.

     “Wait, you’re done Kihyunnie?” Hyunwoo frowned, knowing he had barely touched his rice.

Kihyun didn’t even look at him as he nodded his head, hands busy placing an empty bowl and a new pair of chopsticks on the table for their manager. The said guy had already moved from the front door to sit next to Minhyuk and Jooheon at the other end of the table. They were talking among each other as the maknae scooped out rice into the empty bowl. Hyunwoo watched the whole scene with a passive look on his face.

     “I’m going out to the store for a while.” Kihyun announced from the kitchen as he cleaned his dishes and dried his hands.

Then Myungsoo hyung suddenly perked up at his voice. “Should I go with you?”

Before Kihyun could reject, Hyunwoo was quicker to intercept.

     “It’s okay, hyung. I’ll go with him.” Then he stared at Kihyun. “Wait for me.” He said, finishing up the rest of the food in his bowl to change his clothes.

Kihyun was waiting for him outside by the time he put on a cap.

     “Let’s go.”

The smaller guy led the way and for some reason, the lines between Kihyun’s eyebrows and the tension wringing out from his shoulders made Hyunwoo felt unsettled.

     “Ki.”

The main vocalist turned around, his eyes round and searching.

“Yeah?”

Hyunwoo stared at him. “Is something wrong?”

Kihyun blinked. Parted his lips. Closed them one more time.

     “I think I left the list for the things we have to buy back in the kitchen.” He confessed.

Hyunwoo felt himself relaxed and smirked unknowingly.

Kihyun saw it. “Don’t say a word. I have better memories than you.” He jabbed. Hyunwoo laughed it off.

They reached the store and true to his words, Kihyun managed to recall most of the things needed back at the dorm without breaking a sweat. He left out the little things though but Hyunwoo said they could always come back to grab some snacks. Kihyun silently agreed to it as they paid for their purchases.

     Myungsoo was still at the dorm when they returned, chatting animatedly with Hoseok and Hyunwoo learned that their new manager was a trainer back in his university time. Hyungwon and Minhyuk went back to dreamland when lunch was over and Changkyun was out throwing the thrash. Jooheon was in the bathroom. Hyunwoo decided to help Kihyun unloaded the groceries and saw how the younger guy’s face grimaced at the sight of the dirty dishes piling in the sink.

     Hyunwoo was expecting the usual nagging lines from the so-called eomma of the group but was graced with silent huff. He watched how Kihyun held back his annoyance and wondered what was stopping him when Hyunwoo understood that it was in fact who. Myungsoo was still talking with Hoseok but he kept glancing back and forth to the kitchen, Hyunwoo noticed. Kihyun was trying to keep his manners in check and instead chose to fume himself out by handling the groceries with a little too much force.

     “Kihyun-ah, let me do this. You can clear up the sink.” Hyunwoo suggested and for a second, he was rewarded with a death glare from the shorter guy but then Kihyun left him to tend to the dishes.

Almost as soon as they were done in the kitchen, Myungsoo announced he would be leaving and that he’d meet them first thing tomorrow morning. Hyunwoo sent him off, saying that he was looking forward to working with the guy and received a warm smile in exchange.

     They shook hands.

Myungsoo left. Hyunwoo thought it’ll be just fine.

He really thought things will be okay for the next seven months.

     Besides, Hyunwoo wasn’t the one who had greeted the new manager at the front door. And he certainly did not hear what the guy had said to the defenseless Kihyun.

It was only the beginning.

And the addition of new people somehow leads to the discoveries of unexpected events.


	2. First Impression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hoseok hyung, do you think I gained weight?”  
> Hoseok went bewildered, his eyes round and mouth hanging at the sudden question Kihyun had uttered.  
> He mumbled out, “Did a Monbebe say you look fat?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Knock knock! Wow the responds I got, amazing! Thank you so much for the kudos and comments, dear readers. I hope you like this new chapter so let me know *wink  
> Before we continue the journey though, allow me to clarify a few things at the moment.  
> Firstly, I am not aware of their arrangements in the dorm and who is rooming with who. I wrote it out as I see fit for the plot and I hope you guys don't mind about it.  
> Secondly, I can't and will not promise a specific update pattern as my life's motto is to follow the flow lol so yeah that's about it.  
> Sorry for the long note. Keep on reading and have a nice day! :)

CHAPTER 2: FIRST IMPRESSION

Kihyun was sensitive, he admitted it. He’d been that way since he watched his mother cleaned the house and found pleasure doing the same thing to his own belongings. He discovered a kind of satisfaction to see things organized and in order when he entered middle school where people his age questioned and admired the quality all the same. He’d learnt how to brush off criticism from his environment and focused on improving himself in and out, the main drive that kept him from giving up as an idol.

Living with six other growing males definitely helped Kihyun see the whole world in a different picture. These people were his friends, becoming part of his extended family and anything beyond the business prospect was everyone’s share within the group. That was how Kihyun had found the ways to work around his weaknesses, adjusting to other preferences apart from his and staying outside his comfort zone a tad longer than he’d usually dare.

     Because he had six other souls to keep him from falling.

And he discovered something else as well; a new weakness.

Monsta X.

     Kihyun also knew that among the members, he would have the least problem to adapt to new surroundings and play the major role to bring the group into setting. He would keep the younger ones contented just so they could have fun and he would make sure none of his hyungs have to withstand unnecessary burden on their own.

So, what was it about this new manager that kept bugging him as he scrubbed the dishes hard but with care as the surface came off clean for his view that Kihyun couldn’t figure it out?

It wasn’t until the guy had left the dorm and the original number of the residents returned that Kihyun remembered his greetings with the new manager a few hours ago.

     _He’d pushed the door open to look up to an innocent looking guy flashing his teeth at the idol. The smile seemed genuine to Kihyun but what came out from his mouth took the vocalist offhanded._

_The guy had said with amusement,_

     “ _You look chubbier in person, I’m amazed.”_

_Kihyun could only blinked back, thoroughly confused. “Pardon?”_

     _The guy chuckled. “Sorry, that was rude of me. I’m your new manager, Park Myungsoo. It’s nice to finally meet you, Yoo Kihyun-ssi. Monsta X’s main vocalist.”_

_He couldn’t tell whether it was the laugh or the way his name sounded from the other guy’s mouth or the last sentence that he spoke with a distinct tone made him feel irked but one thing was for sure, Kihyun thought he had a bad first impression of the guy._

     _“May I come in?” Myungsoo had asked and Kihyun managed a small nod before the new manager not so subtly pushed his way in. It was by sheer patience that Kihyun held back his tongue from saying things he would regret._

And a few hours later he found himself sitting on the couch in their living room staring off into nothing as the television glared right back at him. He was too lost in his head, subconsciously wringing his fingers together and failing to realize that Hoseok had sat down next to him for a full five minutes only to stare at the smaller guy with curiosity.

     “Is something bothering you, Hyun?” The older guy had asked and it took Kihyun a second longer to interpret the question.

     “What, hyung?” He muttered, hands rubbing against each other and he saw how Hoseok’s eyes followed the movement.

     “Did you get cramps again?” Hoseok inquired, motioning to his intertwined fingers.

     Kihyun shook his head, released his reddening digits. He asked instead,

“Hoseok hyung, do you think I gained weight?”

Hoseok went bewildered, his eyes round and mouth hanging at the sudden question Kihyun had uttered.

     He mumbled out, “Did a Monbebe say you look fat?”

Kihyun sighed, feeling dejected. If only it had come from a fan of his, he wouldn’t be troubled but the fact that a guy he barely knew had commented on his appearance jabbed at his insecurities.

     Hoseok went back to staring him square, waiting for answers.

Kihyun tsked. “I wasn’t reading through our fans’ comments if that’s what you’re thinking, hyung. I was simply wondering, that’s all.” And just with that, Kihyun knew Hoseok wouldn’t ask further on the topic but the older guy stayed seated, staring off into nothing when Kihyun asked,

     “Do you want to change the channel, hyung? I wasn’t really watching.”

Hoseok blinked at him. Once. Twice. Then pouted. A hand was placed on his midsection, moving in circles. Kihyun wished he had run away the moment he could because somehow, he understood the silent request and didn’t have it in him to say no to the older guy.

This time, the main vocalist sighed in content although he rolled his eyes for effect.

     “Wait here.” He told Hoseok and stood up, walked to the kitchen and opened one of the cabinets. He fished out a pack of ramen and showed it to Hoseok whose face lit up with joy.

Kihyun hid his amusement from the older guy as he reached for an egg and heard clapping ensued after. He bet Hoseok saw what he was holding. As If on auto-mode, Kihyun worked around the kitchen to prepare the humble dinner for his hyung when he was reminded that the rest of the group might be hungry as well. In the end, Kihyun cooked the entire pack of ramen and added more eggs for his members.

     True to his prediction, Hyungwon came trudging into the living room at the smell of his cooking. Minhyuk and Jooheon were as loud as ever until Kihyun instructed them to get the bowls and utensils. They instantly worked in harmony it never failed to amuse Kihyun from time to time. Hyunwoo’s silent presence in the kitchen was what scared him though. The oldest had been standing behind him for who knew how long when Kihyun turned to bump into him.

     “Hyung!” He whispered in surprised, eyes wide and looking up at the taller guy, “You scared me!”

The leader meekly nodded, his gaze already transfixed on the food and his hands reaching out, grabbing the sides of the pot to carry it to the living room.

     Kihyun was left speechless in the kitchen.

     “Kihyun hyung, hurry up! The noodles getting soggy.” Changkyun’s deep voice reached him.

He moved into the living room. “Eat up, guys.” He instructed to the rest of the group.

     “You’re not eating?” asked Minhyuk.

“Nope.” He answered. “Finish everything and don’t forget to wash up.” Kihyun reminded them as he walked away to the bathroom.

     He was in bed earlier than he normally would so Kihyun chose to scroll through his phone until he felt sleepy. One particular video somehow caught his attention and he ended up watching for almost an hour when Changkyun came into the room and climbed into his bed which was next to Kihyun’s.

     “You’re not asleep yet, Kihyun hyung?” The maknae asked. Kihyun glanced sideways at the maknae from the other side.

     “I got carried away with this show.” He mumbled out but did not elaborate further on the content. He frowned then.

     “Did you guys just finish eating?” Kihyun asked.

“No. We cleaned up an hour ago.” Changkyun’s statement made him relaxed and it must’ve shown because the maknae smirked at him.

     “How come you’re not hungry?”

Kihyun raised his eyebrow at the sudden question. He avoided looking at the youngest member, opening and closing his mouth as he chose his words when Hoseok walked into the room.

     He seemed surprise to see Kihyun blinking back at him.

     “I thought you went to bed already.” Hoseok stated.

“That’s what I told him, hyung!” Changkyun commented, eyes glued to his phone and thumb busily gliding on the screen.

     “Thanks for the ramen by the way Ki.” said Hoseok as he climbed into the lower bunk of Changkyun’s bed. Kihyun simply hummed and covered himself with his blanket, hoping the maknae had forgotten about his unanswered inquiry.

     Kihyun knew that he wouldn’t be able to lie to the younger guy, however absurd it may sound. Changkyun had a way to tell if any of the members were lying and out of all of them, he could really point it out when Kihyun wasn’t telling the truth.

Kihyun never said he wasn’t hungry though. But to justify that would be suggestive that he was up for the conversation which was totally a bad idea in his mind since Hoseok was also in the room and his previous talk with his hyung crossed his thought. He wouldn’t say it out loud but a small part in him raised the idea of dieting again when he knew how the group would react considering his previous attempt to lose his weight. It was successful on his behalf; he’d got the number and shape he desired but it took a toll on the group members as it worried them to see him starve.

Kihyun wasn’t going to put them through it again, he promised. And yet he still went to sleep thinking maybe he should cut down on some late-night snacks and sugar, just for the first few weeks until he lost some fat in his cheek.

     The next time Kihyun opened his eyes, his alarm was screaming through the peaceful morning of the room. His hand immediately shot out to turn it off and when the silence took over again, he could hear Hoseok’s incoherent grumbling coming from below. They had recordings to do in the morning followed by dance practices in the afternoon, Kihyun recalled in his still fuzzy head as he made his bed and folded his blanket. Carefully, he climbed down the bed and caught sight of their leader still deep in his slumber.

     A small noise from outside the room made Kihyun’s heart stuttered a beat.

Someone was up earlier than him?

     Kihyun suspected that it was the maknae or maybe Hyungwon had decided to finally be the first to see the sun rise which was very unlikely so Kihyun settled for the former.

Kihyun swung the bedroom door opened, expecting to see Changkyun in the other room playing the computer when his breathe stopped short.

     There was no one in the room across from theirs. Instead, someone was in their kitchen, rummaging through their fridge.

     It was their new manager.


	3. First Day At Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hyung,” He’d called out in a small voice looking at Myungsoo, “what’s for dinner?”
> 
> All eyes went to one direction as they waited for the manager’s answer, including Kihyun’s. He had thought of preparing dinner for the group when they got back to the dorm considering it was still early but he was also tired it made him forget of his own intention the moment Hoseok had asked the question.
> 
> But he locked eyes with the manager and he saw how the other’s gaze went to study his whole face.
> 
> And Kihyun felt his cheek reddening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello! Yeay, an update! Thank you so much for the comments and kudos, dear readers! Those are what that keeps me going so enjoy this chapter and leave me your thoughts as well *wink  
> I do have to remind you, the angst will be coming in the next chapter so hold on tight.  
> Have a nice day :)

CHAPTER 3: FIRST DAY AT WORK

“What are you doing?”

The manager swivelled around from his squatting position to look up at Monsta X’s main voice.

     “Ah, I see you’re the early bird! Good morning, Kihyun.” He greeted the younger guy, standing up and closing the refrigerator as it started to beep. He wore his smile from yesterday and Kihyun couldn’t find it in him to beam back.

     He blamed the morning vibe.

“Good morning.” He curtly said.

     “I brought you guys breakfast.” The manager spoke, gesturing to the plastic bags on the counter. “There won’t be any time to have lunch for today’s schedule.”

Kihyun let those words sunk in. He was grateful to know that their new manager was as thoughtful as Hongshik hyung but he also knew that they usually settled with cereal and coffee for breakfast mainly because it was the easiest and fastest. But then something else crossed Kihyun’s mind.

     “Myungsoo hyung,” he started, trying to keep the edge of his tone smooth, “what were you looking for in there?” He nudged his chin towards the refrigerator when he realized that-

“How did you even enter in the first place?” Kihyun spluttered out. Myungsoo seemed taken aback that it made Kihyun wondered if he had used the wrong tone with the older guy.

But then Myungsoo cleared his throat. “Hyungwon gave me the code yesterday.” He explained calmly.

     “Owh.” Was all Kihyun could managed. It took Hongshik hyung three weeks to figure out the code to their front door, gratitude of Jooheon constantly changing the password to keep their manager from waking him up for schedules in the early days of their debut, Kihyun recalled.

     “Did I do something wrong?” Myungsoo quietly asked as he caught the faraway look on the vocalist’s face. Kihyun snapped out from his thoughts and parted his lips to answer the older guy but another voice beat him to it.

     “What are you guys doing?”

Both heads turned to see Changkyun standing under the doorframe with hair tousled from waking up. His gaze fleeted from Kihyun to the new manager and stopped at the counter.

He sniffed, “Is that kimbap I smell?”

     Myungsoo nodded, smile still plastered on his face and Kihyun kept his eyes anywhere else but the manager.

     “Why don’t you go wash up before the rest wakes up? We’re still early so you guys can eat before leaving.” Their manager told them.

“The kids need caffeine otherwise they won’t function properly.” Kihyun blurted out and he pretended not to regret it. But then the distinct change on their manager’s face told him he probably should. He wasn’t really trying to get on Myungsoo’s bad side, really, but he was just not having it that morning.

     And still, Kihyun blamed the nature.

Myungsoo moved then and Kihyun thought he should apologize right there when the older guy pushed aside the plastic bags containing kimbap to reveal seven cups of iced americano.

     “Will these do?” He asked and Kihyun could somehow interpret the lines between his smile as a sign of pride. Changkyun let out a small awe and Kihyun heard him practically rushed to the bathroom.

The vocalist thought it was safe for him to collect his own pride then with just the two of them in the kitchen.

     He cleared his throat and said,

     “Thank you, Myungsoo hyung.” Then he added, “I’m sorry if I offended you. It’s just that you don’t have to trouble yourself with all of these.”

Myungsoo chuckled. “It’s okay, I get it. Hongshik hyung has been your manager since debut and I kind of understand how a replacement works. It takes time but we’ll figure things out, right?” He said, eyes boring into Kihyun’s it made the shorter fidgeted for unknown reasons.

     “R-right.” The idol breathed out. “I’ll go get ready then.” He said and left the manager alone.

     Within the next half an hour, almost every member of Monsta X was up and about in the dorm. Hyungwon of course needed some extra effort to get his limbs moving but by the time the tallest member finished washing up, the others were in the kitchen sipping through their iced americano and taking bites after bites of kimbap.

Kihyun was sitting on the couch in their living room, one hand holding his drink that Myungsoo had so nicely handed to him and the other occupied with his phone. He had finished his share of the kimbap and was waiting for the rest when the manager sat down next to him.

     “Kihyun, I was told that you would be having some OST recordings coming up in a few days?" Myungsoo inquired.

Kihyun took a few seconds to remember his personal schedule. “If I’m not mistaken, there’s one on Wednesday evening and another on Friday but the time is not confirmed.” He explained to the manager. Myungsoo nodded slowly.

     “Hyung, are we ready to go?” Minhyuk called from the kitchen.

“Yeah.” Myungsoo instantly replied, looking at the idol. “Let’s get you guys to the studio.”

Kihyun made sure to finish his drink before they left the dorm and one look at the undisturbed peace of the kitchen blossomed a grateful feeling towards their new manager.

     Kihyun started to forget the older guy’s words from yesterday.

Their recording went by in a flash and by the end of lunch hour they were back in Starship building, occupying the dance practice room.

     Monsta X’s main title track resonated throughout the space as seven bodies danced in unison to perfectly beautified choreographs. They were still in the promoting period and the following days would be pack with music shows and a few live events including fan signs. Kihyun could feel the excitement bubbling up in him, the thoughts of coming back to perform for their fans never failed to hype him up and he knew he wasn’t the only one.

One look at the rest of his members showed that they were on the same wavelength, if not even more.

     Changkyun had started to goof around towards the end of their practice when Hoseok kept complaining to Hyunwoo how Minhyuk and Jooheon were bothering him by intentionally bumping and tripping him here and there as they danced. Hyungwon had let loose his movements, reincarnating the paper-like doll figure he’d been known with as Kihyun watched with amusement.

“Let’s take five guys!” Hyunwoo finally called out, giving up to Hoseok’s persistent complaint and turning his attention to the pair who were oblivious to the stare the leader was giving them. Minhyuk and Jooheon kept on giggling and Kihyun saw the lines deepened on Hyunwoo’s forehead.

     He acted fast.

“Hey guys, cut it out.” Kihyun glared at the two. It worked to keep them shut for at least two minutes when their laughter erupted once again and this time their victim was the maknae.

Kihyun let Hyungwon took care of the ongoing ordeal as he joined the two oldest at the corner sitting crossed-leg on the floor. He reached for his bag which was at the side and grabbed his bottle. He drank a few gulps and let out a sigh.

     Hoseok gave him a look.

“What?” Kihyun asked.

     “You’re supposed to offer it to your hyung before drinking yourself.” Hoseok reprimanded him. Kihyun shrugged and made a face to the lead dancer before holding out the bottle to the leader.

     “You want some, Hyunwoo hyung?”

He saw Hoseok’s eyebrow twitched from the corner of his eyes. He purposely smirked.

     Hyunwoo shook his head, lifting up his hand to reveal his own bottle. Hoseok quickly grabbed the bottle from Kihyun’s grasp and drank the water greedily. Kihyun laughed at his antics.

     “Kihyun-ah.” The leader called.

“Nae?” replied Kihyun, turning his head to look away from Hoseok.

     “What time did Myungsoo hyung arrived this morning? You opened the door for him, right?”

Kihyun blinked. “I didn’t.” He confessed then said, “Hyungwon gave him the code.” As if on cue, the tall guy walked over to them and plopped down on the floor, looking beaten up.

     “I heard someone said my name.” He uttered.

“What happened to Kyun?” Hoseok asked, searching for the maknae and only then realizing it was only four of them in the room.

Hyungwon made a gesture with his hand, “They left. I don’t know where, don’t ask me.” He grumbled under his breathe.

     “Hyungwon, you gave our code to Myungsoo hyung?” Hyunwoo inquired, wearing his stoic expression making it hard for Kihyun to interpret what he was thinking. He doubted the other two knew what was going on in their leader’s head as well.

Hyungwon nodded, his hair falling into his eyes. “Yeah. He asked me yesterday so I told him.” He explained. “Why? Is something wrong?”

     Kihyun stared at their leader then, his face calculative as he waited for the oldest’ respond. Hyunwoo shook his head and carried on drinking from his bottle as if his question didn’t spark a sort of curiosity in his group members. But then again, this was their leader they were talking to.

“I think that was nice of Myungsoo hyung to bring breakfast for us.” Hoseok quipped in, face showing that he was thinking of the rolled kimbap their manager had bought for them.

     “The iced americano really helped me to focus for our recording. I made less mistakes than I usually did just now.” Hyungwon added, propping his elbows on his knees. Hoseok seemed to agree on that.

     “I don’t mind having kimbap every morning. At least we don’t starve throughout the day.” said Hoseok, smiling gleefully.

“You can tell Myungsoo hyung what you want for breakfast, hyung.” Hyungwon supplied, sitting up straighter and the other two were basically audiences listening to the conversation.

     Hoseok sort of pouted. “Won’t that be too much? Will he mind?”

The taller guy rolled his eyes. “If he does do you think he’d bought all those for us?”

     “You mean the kimbap was your idea?” Hoseok questioned, eyes round.

Hyungwon proudly nodded. “He asked me yesterday and I told him that we usually don’t eat breakfast even when we have a whole-day schedule but some kimbap would be nice.” He giggled.

     He wasn’t prepared for the smack coming from Kihyun at the back of his head.

     “Ow!” He cried, one hand flying to the site of attack.

“You meant _you_ don’t usually eat breakfast because you’re always late and the last one to wake up.” Kihyun corrected him.  The leader snorted then and the other three heard it which made them burst into laughter.

     An hour later, they found themselves all sprawled out on the floor having resume their practice and finally completed their schedule for the day. The time was nearing eight in the evening when their new manager returned to get them back to the dorm. Hoseok of course, was most concerned on keeping their needs fulfilled.

“Hyung,” He’d called out in a small voice looking at Myungsoo, “what’s for dinner?”

     All eyes went to one direction as they waited for the manager’s answer, including Kihyun’s. He had thought of preparing dinner for the group when they got back to the dorm considering it was still early but he was also tired it made him forget of his own intention the moment Hoseok had asked the question.

But he locked eyes with the manager and he saw how the other’s gaze went to study his whole face.

     And Kihyun felt his cheek reddening.

Yesterday’s thought came back and Kihyun was pulled back into his head. He looked away, focusing on his shoelaces as he listened to the others, his mind not really with the group at that moment.

     He heard Myungsoo said that he had call for takeout and the members cheered, all grateful and happy with the treatment given to them by their new manager. Not five seconds later, the sound of footsteps scurrying to leave the practice room to wash up before heading back to the dorm filled the air as Kihyun stayed seated on the floor.

He realized it was just him and Myungsoo in the room.

     And the older spoke first,

“I hope you’re not thinking what I think you’re thinking.”

     Kihyun gulped. Bit his lips. “Hyung-“

“I didn’t mean it that way, Kihyun-ah.” Myungsoo interrupted. “I wasn’t being judging or anything. It’s just that I’ve always heard your fans said you look like a hamster and that was the first thing I saw when you opened the door for me.” He said, his tone almost pleading.

The idol inhaled deeply and relaxed, controlling his facial expression as he spoke.

     “I know, hyung.” He calmly said. “But I also think I’ve gained a little for this comeback so I’m planning to lose some weight. Myungsoo hyung, I’ll need your help.” Kihyun looked at him solemnly.

Myungsoo seemed perplexed, blinking his eyes a few times to get the right words out of his mouth.

     “Okay.” He finally said. “How can I help you?”

Kihyun smiled a little, his lips curling at one side. “Help me lose my weight and make sure the members don’t find out that I’m dieting again. They freaked out the last time I did, especially Minhyuk hyung.”

     He watched Myungsoo smiled that smile of his and felt his entire frame being washed with a new sensation; security.

“So no dinner for you?” He inquired, eyebrows raised. “Just a little, maybe. And I’ll order a sugar-free shake for you as a pre-starter. How does that sound?”

     Kihyun felt his face stretched with a wider smile.

“That sounds great, hyung.” He responded.

     Myungsoo nodded. “Get going then. You guys need to get back soon or I think Hoseok will throw tantrum.”

Kihyun laughed then, musing how the older guy seemed to know their antics so well. He got up, picked up his belongings and headed out to the washroom feeling less heavy than he was in the morning just from the reassurance Myungsoo gave him.

With no doubt Kihyun was having a change of heart towards their new manager and he thought he had made a mistake judging the other guy so quickly. He erased any bad feelings towards the manager, welcoming the sense of trust between them.

     Kihyun should’ve known it was too early to tell.

And he learnt it the hard way.

 


	4. For Some Reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Myungsoo hyung started hanging out with us too. He’s doing all the things you usually do, Kihyun hyung. Sometimes we don’t realize you’re missing because Myungsoo hyung is there, you know what I mean? Like there’s still seven of us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Enjoy this update :)

CHAPTER 4: FOR SOME REASONS

Kihyun always think things through, or at least that was what he and the members thought. He has his own method in executing certain procedures in order to achieve the standard that he wants. Standard; Kihyun’s most precious term coined in his dictionary of life.

     However aware he was of the changes that comes with time and new presence, Kihyun had always managed to fit everything into place. But this time it was different.

     This time he wasn’t in control.

It had been two weeks since Hongshik hyung left, two weeks since Kihyun first met Park Myungsoo and two weeks since he started dieting and exercising again and surprisingly two weeks of him not being the mother hen of the group since their new manager had so willingly took over the role.

     Myungsoo had been nothing less of a helpful and hardworking manager for Monsta X; bringing breakfast for the team to start the day off the right way and taking care of lunch whenever their schedules could fit in with meal time adding to having dinners delivered to the dorm instead as he was fully aware of how tired the idols would be by then.

That was only the meal part.

Kihyun was shocked to know that by the end of the first week when he was about to deal with the laundries, collecting his own pile of dirty clothes that he’d just took off only to notice his basket was empty that their new manager had considerately helped them with it. He looked over to their drying area, clothes all lined up and hanged in order to dry off.

               It started to taste bitter by then.

The vocalist couldn’t explain why, he was trying to understand it himself when he looked over to the rest of his group to see them all happily watching the tv together in the living room, take outs scattered all over their small table and laughter ensued whenever a funny scene came on. Kihyun had only arrived at the dorm later than the others; he had a solo recording for another OST which lasted for almost six hours before the producer decided to let him go.

     He wasn’t having it well that day with his throat feeling scratchy when he woke up in the morning. He told Myungsoo about it to which the older guy suspected to be due to the lack of rest he was getting. And still he pushed himself to sing and Kihyun insisted to spend at least another hour in the gym before going back to the dorm just to make him feel better.

Myungsoo didn’t stop him.

     The sight that greeted him when he pushed the door opened somehow made his heart ached. It could’ve been the fatigue washing him from serenity or the lack of greetings coming his way from people he cares or perhaps the sight of oily food that had been absent from his taste bud for fifteen days made him feel that way. And he didn’t understand why.

     Or maybe he did.

“What took you so long?” Hyungwon’s voice greeted him as he moved from the front door to the junction between the kitchen and the living room. He let his bag fell down from his shoulder and went to grab a mineral water from the refrigerator. Kihyun could feel the tall guy’s gaze burning his back as he took a gulp but he let Hyungwon waited for his respond.

     Kihyun swallowed before saying,

“I had dinner before coming back here.” He lied so expertly knowing it wasn’t Changkyun standing in front of him.

Hyungwon simply hummed and sauntered over to grab a drink as well when Kihyun’s eyes found their leader in the living room staring back at him. He smiled a little, giving a small wave at his hyung before carrying himself to the bathroom to clean up, unaware of Hyunwoo’s stare following his movement.

     When he stepped out from the toilet, Kihyun could still hear the sound of the tv and some of his members softly talking from the living room. Remembering that he had left his bag outside his room, Kihyun went to retrieve it when he caught the conversation that was going on in the living room that had nothing to do with the show being broadcasted on the tv.

Jooheon and Minhyuk, the only two remaining were speaking in soft voices as Kihyun heard the younger guy said,

     “Should we just leave these here and deal with it tomorrow morning? I’m tired already, hyung.” Jooheon whined and Kihyun suspected he was referring to the take outs and leftovers.

He heard Minhyuk tsked. “Why do we always lose when it comes to rock paper scissors?” The older guy sighed. “Anyways, no Jooheonie. I’m not up to listening Kihyun nagging to us tomorrow. It’s our free day.”

Jooheon chuckled a little bit. “Yeah it’s been a while since we last face his wrath.”

     “I wonder why.” Minhyuk mused and for a second, a thought crossed Kihyun’s mind but he blocked it away as he approached his two members.

     “Are you guys trying to say you missed me?” He quipped in, surprising the two and wriggling his eyebrows playfully at them.

Minhyuk blinked a few times at him before staring back at the rapper.

     “Did you hear something?” He half whispered, “It sounded like something obnoxious.”

     Jooheon spluttered out, “I smell misplaced confident, Minhyuk hyung.” The two laughed at their own jokes.

Kihyun crossed his arms in front him, his expression replaced with boredom and mundane.

     “Seriously?” He gritted out.

Minhyuk was still giggling when he said,

     “You shouldn’t have said that when you knew how we would react, Ki.”

Jooheon nodded, supporting the statement. “But it’s true though, hyung.” He said, talking to Kihyun. “You haven’t been around with us lately.”

     “Our main vocal is having _his_ year, Hoonie.”

Jooheon sighed in understanding. “I know. It doesn’t feel right with just the six of us.”

     Kihyun wouldn’t admit it but he felt the silent affection enveloped him after a long time of denial.

But Jooheon’s next words shattered his peace the second Kihyun welcomed the warmth.

Jooheon had said,

     “Myungsoo hyung started hanging out with us too. He’s doing all the things you usually do, Kihyun hyung. Sometimes we don’t realize you’re missing because Myungsoo hyung is there, you know what I mean? Like there’s still seven of us.”

The younger had spoken with no ill intention and of all people Kihyun would know that but it struck Kihyun’s soul like cold ice for some reasons. He tried to hide it.

     He failed.

“Jooheon-ah…” Minhyuk’s voice trailed off as Kihyun spun around on his heels and turned away from the two, hiding his face. He fought hard to collect himself, his arms slightly trembling and his entire being felt like it was assaulted by unseen force that threatened to keep him aching from his own misperceiving.

     He walked away from the living room without saying anything further to the two, determine to just get in bed and lay down and stop feeling anything, everything.

Of course, the universe had other plans for him.

     “Kihyun-ah.”

Hyunwooo’s voice caught him midstride and Kihyun almost succumbed to his own ego if it weren’t for the respect he felt to his leader. He let out a rather raspy ‘hey, Shownu hyung’ as he quickly dodged the older guy and aimed for their shared room, knowing there was no escape once he was in there but Kihyun wasn’t thinking far.

     He felt relieved to see the space empty and void of any other occupants apart from him when there was a click from the door and Kihyun knew he wasn’t alone.

Hyunwoo’s warm and gentle hands touched him by the shoulders and Kihyun wanted to melt, to disintegrate and to disappear at the same time.

     Because under that very hold was Kihyun’s dissipating strength as he felt fatigue embracing him like an old friend.

     “Tell me.” Hyunwoo’s low voice resonated through Kihyun’s core, “You can always talk to me.” The leader said, turning the main vocalist around so that they were facing each other and Kihyun hoped his face gave away nothing because somehow, Hyunwoo always sees everything.

     His eyes however do spoke of everything. Because it was Hyunwoo that was holding him.

     “I’ll give you space, if that’s what you want.” Hyunwoo told him, eyes never losing faith in the younger guy. “But before I leave you alone, I need to make sure you’re alright. I haven’t seen you all day.”

     “Hyung,” Kihyun started, then realized how bad he sounded because his voice was rough and he saw Hyunwoo frowned at that.

He cleared his throat. Took a deep breath. Tried to smile despite how it hurt because he was getting tired and drowsy.

     He didn’t even wonder why Changkyun and Hoseok weren’t in the room. Kihyun just wanted to sleep.

     “I miss you.” He said. “I miss all of you.” He honestly told Hyunwoo.

     His hyung gave him the look that there was something more he should’ve told him, something that only the leader would be able to interpret and maybe ease Kihyun’s taunting mind but he said no more. Kihyun let out a yawn and watched as Hyunwoo’s face softened, releasing his hands from Kihyun’s shoulders.

     He’d never felt so cold before.

“Go to bed, Ki. You have schedules tomorrow, Myungsoo hyung told us earlier. Sleep well.” Hyunwoo pat him on the head then proceeded to turn off the lights for Kihyun’s comfort before leaving the room.

Kihyun climbed into his bed in the dark, thinking of nothing and everything at the same time. His head mainly played Jooheon’s words over and over again when his body decided he had it enough for the day and finally shut down. His last thoughts before he drifted off was to talk to Hyunwoo about it as soon as he could. Because the look on his leader’s face kept on resurfacing and Kihyun felt regret gnawing his soul for rejecting Hyunwoo’s comfort. And he knew if anyone could help him, it’d be Hyunwoo.

     But then soon turned to be forgotten.

Kihyun woke up not to his alarm as he belatedly recalled leaving behind his bag in the hallway along with his phone in it. He’d opened his eyes to the rays of morning light seeping through the curtains and hitting his line of vision to make him jolt into consciousness.

     Crap, he thought.  

He was late for his schedule.

Kihyun scrambled to get off his bed, blanket thrown to the side carelessly and legs barely awake as he climbed down from the top bunk. In his head was a running planner as he organized his thoughts and the first thing on his list was to get his phone.

He mumbled a small apology as he knocked over a few things on the floor, no doubt waking the maknae up being the other light sleeper in the group apart from him. He felt rather than heard how his voice sounded different and the scratchiness from the night before seemed to have doubled but he ignored it. Kihyun swung the door opened and caught the sound of his alarm muffled from the corner.

He reached his bag in no time and Kihyun was partially surprised to see the amount of missed calls and texts notification he’d received. Dismissing his wakeup tone, Kihyun scanned through the lists of calls and noted that most of it were from their manager and some from the producer.

     He pressed the manager’s number first.

There was a long sequence of beeping as his call went unanswered and after two more tries, Kihyun decided to wash up and get ready. His trip to the bathroom was quick; he washed his face and brushed his teeth with speed that his body could manage. Going back into the room was a challenge, he didn’t want to disturb the peace of his members so he quietly grabbed his clothes and changed in the other room.

     He heard the sound of their front door opened as he pulled his shirt over his head and Kihyun really hoped he wasn’t in trouble. He walked into the living room to see Myungsoo standing solemnly facing the window, his back towards Kihyun.

The vocalist found it hard to swallow.

     “Myungsoo hyung.” He started but then a cough stole his words and followed by another. It took him a while to hold it down and by then Myungsoo had already turned to look at him.

He seemed tired when Kihyun looked at him.

     “What happened, Kihyun?” He asked, voice low. “I called you so many times. Did you not hear it?”

     “I’m so sorry, hyung.” Kihyun managed, his voice breaking here and there.

That seemed to caught Myungsoo’s attention.

     “What’s wrong with your voice?” He frowned, hands moving to his hips.

Kihyun gulped, hoping it would lessen the sore.

     It didn’t.

“I…I think it was the cough.” He muttered, eyes trained on the floor. “Yesterday’s recording was quite a lot as well.”

He heard Myungsoo snorted. “Is that a complain coming from you?” He looked at the idol dubiously.

     Kihyun shook his head, eyes widened in realization. “No, that’s not what I meant, hyung.” He rasped out.

Myungsoo stared at him, his expression making Kihyun felt small and helpless.

     “If you knew you were going to be sick today, you should’ve told me to rearrange your schedules, Kihyun.” Myungsoo said. “The producer was asking about you and I had been waiting for you to pick up your phone for the last two hours.”

Something else crossed Kihyun’s mind then.

     “Why didn’t you just come up here and wake me up when I didn’t answer you call, hyung?” He asked without thinking.

Myungsoo sighed noisily, looking annoyed. “Why would I wake the entire dorm up when the rest are not having anything this morning?” He spat out, eyes narrowed. “Stop being so selfish, Kihyun-ssi.”

     Kihyun felt his cheeks reddened and something in him burned from those words. He’d never viewed himself as selfish before- Kihyun had always put others, mainly his group members first but then for a hitch, he doubted it as well.

     “-are you listening to me?”

Myungsoo’s voice pierced deep into Kihyun’s coherence and his face fell slightly at the tone the older guy used. He looked at their manager to see him sporting an annoyed expression and Kihyun wondered if it was all because of him or was there something else.

     “Sorry, hyung. What did you say?” He croaked out.

Myungsoo rolled his eyes and huffed exasperatedly. “Forget it, I’m heading back to my place.”

     “W-wait, hyung! What about my recording?” Kihyun quickly asked, praying he didn’t ruin anything.

Myungsoo narrowed his eyes. “I asked the producer to change it to the afternoon but since you’re losing your voice, I should’ve just cancelled it.” He said.

     Kihyun grew panicked. “No, hyung! I can make it in the afternoon.” He voiced out hoarsely.

     “Really?” Myungsoo looked at him funnily. “And how do you plan to fix your throat within four hours? You have other recordings as well and like I said, it’s time to stop thinking about yourself, Kihyun.”

     Kihyun lost his words then. He couldn’t think of ways to refute the manager’s statement as his head played it over and over.

     _Stop being so selfish._

“I’ll let the producer know and reschedule it for you.” Myungsoo announced, walking away from the vocalist to the front door. “Be better tomorrow, Kihyun.”

     Kihyun’s eyes followed as the manager opened the door and just as he was about to exit, he stopped. Looked back.

     “Remember, it’s not just about you.”

And the door clicked close.

Kihyun was left alone standing still in the living room.

He lifted one hand to rub at his throat, eyes looking faraway.

He didn’t know someone had been watching the entire time.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, guys. I've noticed some mistakes I did in the past chapters and I apologize for those.Just to let you all know, English is not my main language so forgive my grammars. This is the start to many more angsty rides for Kiki so brace yourself. *wink
> 
> p/s: I'm having my exams this week so the next chapter might be late :(
> 
> Wish me all the best! Hwaiting!


	5. From Eagle's Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Kihyun-ah,” Hoseok started in a low voice, “Is this about you losing weight?”  
>  Kihyun’s eyes were dark when his head swivelled to meet Hoseok’s gaze. “How did you know about that?” He asked, voice hardly a whisper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh my god I'm so sorry for the delay guys. My exam ended two weeks ago and I was in a moving process so I had to hold back a week but then I got sick *yikes and another week passed by. I hope this update will make up to your waiting.  
> Have a nice day and enjoy reading! <3

CHAPTER 5: FROM EAGLE’S EYE

     The sound of clicking was heard as Kihyun turned the stove on, a kettle filled with water was already on top of it. Beside it was a pot of broth meant for seaweed soup, boiling slowly with a soft hum. After Myungsoo’s departure, Kihyun had opted to clean the dorm and prepared breakfast for the members as his head filled with unnecessary thoughts.

There wasn’t much cleaning to be done since they spent most of their time outdoors that week due to their hectic schedules and yet Kihyun had swept the floor and scrubbed the table with a little too much force. His only company was the sound of him working and his mind screaming in confusion, making him feel stuffy and grew restless by the moment.

     A few minutes later, Changkyun’s voice could be heard from the room across from theirs as he played on the computer. The maknae had woken up to see Kihyun holding a broom and he’d let out,

     “Hyung, it’s free day. Go back to sleep.” He went to entertain himself later.

Kihyun managed a small snort as he moved along with the clock, trying to find something despite there was nothing to be done as he fell into a relentless state.

     He was supposed to be recording, he told himself.

Rubbing his throat as the soreness didn’t seem to subside, Kihyun could only hope that it would go away as quickly as it came. It wasn’t the first time he’d gotten himself overworked before, being the main vocal with more lines compared to the rest of the group but he’d never lost his voice to the extent that it hurt.

     And he wasn’t thinking of his voice.

Myungsoo’s words were starting to feel less foreign in Kihyun’s mind, forming thoughts after thoughts that were never there before and securing its spot as he found a thought to doubt on. He pulled himself deep into the whorl of lies he created based on his own assumptions as his limbs moved, performing tasks that Kihyun felt like he hadn’t done in years because someone else had done it for him instead.

     _Stop being so selfish._

Was he? If yes, then on what occasion was he usually selfish? Or was Myungsoo being general, indicating things that Kihyun was unaware of and had become a habit of his?

     He never got to his answer.

The soft hum in the kitchen had grew to a steady buzzing when the kettle let out a stream of steam as the water boiled. Kihyun’s head stopped thinking momentarily as he moved to turn the stove off and brew coffee for his members. A wave of chill hit him as Kihyun grabbed the kettle and that was the beginning of how Kihyun’s day made another turn. First was the change in his schedule.

     Just as his fingers wrapped around the handle of the kettle and lifted it up from the stove, the numb sensation came to Kihyun’s digits rendering them useless for a small amount of time but just enough for the damage to occur.

     He’d gasped in surprise rather than in pain as his hand experienced the cramp for the umpteenth times before realizing that he’d unconsciously let go of the kettle from his grasp. It fell, along with the hot water in it before colliding with the floor and spilling the liquid all over the place.

Including Kihyun’s bare legs.

     The sound of the kettle hitting the tiles were deafening and Kihyun’s thought was ‘great, he’d woken up the entire dorm’ before registering the pain encasing his lower limbs. The water had splashed both his shin and downwards, turning his rather pale skin into an angry red of scorching marks.

Kihyun let out a hiss, his eyes watering not at the burn he felt but at the mess he’d made instead, thinking how true Myungsoo’s words were becoming. The evidence was right there in front of him and yet he wanted to look for answers.

     Silly him.

“Kihyun hyung!” Changkyun gasped as he caught sight of the older guy standing unmoving in the kitchen, head down and arms by his side looking dazed. He’d ran out from his seat in front of the computer when he heard the noise.

     “What happened?” The maknae asked just as he saw the water on floor. His eyes went round in a beat and Kihyun wondered how long it’d take before the others came as well.

     But then-

“Kyun-ah, can you help me grabbed the mop?” He let out croakily.

If Changkyun heard the sound of his voice breaking, the younger guy never commented about it as he hurried to assist his hyung. Kihyun dragged himself to the bathroom slowly, as the young rapper silently helped him to clean up the mess.

     Kihyun felt the pain intensified the moment his skin made contact with cold water, but only for a second. He closed his eyes, letting the ache soothed into a dull thrum. His head felt light.

     “Hyung, are you okay?”

He opened his eyes to meet Changkyun’s dark ones and Kihyun thought the worry lines between his eyebrows were irrelevant.

     “I got cramps.” He said shortly. Then asked,

“Did I wake anyone up?”

     Changkyun shook his head, hair falling into his eyes. “You didn’t answer my question.” He said, glaring.

It only made him cuter in Kihyun’s eyes.

     “I almost burnt my legs but I can still walk. I’m guessing it’s fine.” He said nonchalantly in a light tone.

Changkyun’s frown deepened even more. “What’s wrong with your voice? Are you sick, hyung?”

Kihyun cleared his throat, feeling the roughness as if someone had poured sand into his airway when he slept. He turned the water off, not looking at his legs yet in hope that it didn’t look as bad as he felt but he winced as his skin made contact with the air.

     “I must’ve caught something in my sleep or something.” He simply said, stepping out from the bathroom knowing fully well how Changkyun’s gaze was following his every act. He tried to walk normally but of course being showered by boiling water on ones’ legs would cause discomfort with the smallest movement.

Kihyun felt himself breathing heavily when he returned into the kitchen with the rapper loyal behind him. The floor had almost dried up thanks to Changkyun’s quick rescue and Kihyun wondered what more could go wrong that day.

     Or precisely, what more could he ruined.

“Hyung?” Changkyun called him, staring questioningly.

     Kihyun stared back. “What?”

     “Do you want me to get Shownu hyung? Or maybe Minhyuk hyung?”

The vocalist blinked.

     Changkyun quickly said, “I heard what manager hyung said to you this morning. When you were supposed to leave for recording.”

     Kihyun felt his shoulders went slacked but he let the maknae talked. He kept listening. He knew he does it best; listen.

     “If that’s what’s bothering you, I can call one of the hyungs to-“

“Kyun,” Kihyun cut him off, “I’m sorry.”

     This time, it was Changkyun’s turn to blink. “For what, hyung?” He questioned.

     Kihyun sighed. “Please pretend you didn’t hear any of it this morning. You weren’t supposed to know about that.” He said pointedly.

“But hyung-“

     “It was my mistake. Myungsoo hyung did what he was supposed to do. He scolded me because I was late for my schedule. We’ve all been through that.” Kihyun told him.

But the maknae wasn’t having any of it.

     “Myungsoo hyung _said_ something to you.” Changkyun retorted. “And I’ve been watching you after he left. Did you realize that?”

Kihyun shook his head, looking confused.

     “See?” The rapper tried to make a point. “You were so out of it you didn’t even realize you’ve been opening and closing the same drawer.” Changkyun pointed to his right, directly at the said furniture. “And you of all people should know that’s not where we kept the scissors.”

     If it weren’t for the serious look on Changkyun’s face and the tense in his posture, Kihyun would’ve laughed at the situation.

“I know how things like that easily get to you, Kihyun hyung. You need to talk about it to someone.” Changkyun muttered, his voice going soft before his eyes trailed downwards to stare at Kihyun’s legs.

     “And I think we need to get you to the hospital.” He looked up at the vocalist. “You’re way too pink for my liking.”

Kihyun chuckled at that before glancing up at the top cabinet and the maknae followed his line of vision.

     “There’s a first-aid kit at the top cupboard.” He stated and blinked at the rapper.

Changkyun gave him a look.

     “Some ointment will do, Kyun.”

The younger guy sighed in defeat as he grabbed for the nearest chair and pulled it towards the cupboard. That was when Kihyun realized they should’ve placed the kit somewhere easier for _all_ of them to reach. And his eyes caught sight of the movement from behind them.

     A long arm reached out faster than Changkyun could climbed the chair and they were both surprised to see Hoseok taking the first-aid kit down from the cupboard.

     “What are you two up to?” He asked, looking suspiciously between the rapper and the main vocalist. He placed the kit on the counter, slightly shielding it from Changkyun or Kihyun’s sight. His arms were crossed in front him and that was when Kihyun took in his outfit.

     “You’re going to the gym?” He questioned instead, voice not forgetting to crack and the familiar look he got from Changkyun was visible on Hoseok’s face.

     “Y-yeah…” He stuttered. “What’s wrong with your voice?”

Kihyun mentally counted how many times he’d been asked that same question in one morning.

     He sighed, but then it turned into a cough.

“Sore throat.” Changkyun stated, then pointed to Kihyun’s legs. “But the real problem’s down there.”

     “Woah!” Hoseok’s eyes widened and Kihyun forgot that he wasn’t supposed to look, that he was supposed to keep his eyes anywhere but his legs because he knew he’d feel the pain when he saw the extent of the damage.

     It took him a mere second for the sting in his legs to travel to his eyes as his vision went blurry. Then, he heard some shuffling before feeling hands on his shoulder pushing him backwards and he found himself seated on one of the kitchen’s chair. A bundle of silver hair entered Kihyun’s glazy view as Hoseok crouched in front him and inspected his legs, the first-aid kit already opened by his side.

     Kihyun could only watched as the second oldest and the youngest worked with bandaging his legs, wincing once in a while but never letting his tears fall. He wouldn’t let them know that he was hurting. And it was elsewhere.

     Because somehow, Hoseok’s silent gesture of aiding him only made Kihyun pondered even more on his thoughts. And no matter how right Changkyun was about him easily affected by words, Kihyun couldn’t shed off the feeling that it was the truth.

     And it hurt him to know that he hadn’t realized it before.

“What happened?” Hoseok finally asked and Kihyun’s lips parted to answer his hyung but the maknae was a tad faster.

     “He had cramps and he dropped a kettle of hot water onto himself.”

     Kihyun narrowed his eyes. “ _Accidentally.”_ He added.

“Because you were busy thinking about what manager hyung said to you.” Changkyun interjected and Kihyun wished he hadn’t because Hoseok frowned at him then.

     “What? What did Myungsoo hyung said to Ki? What actually happened?” Hoseok asked, attention turned to the maknae.

     “Nothing!” The vocalist half-screamed, before he was assaulted with another round of coughing fit.

It only served to deepens Hoseok’s frown. “Is this why you’re still at the dorm? I thought you had recordings today.”

Kihyun struggled to take a deep breath before he could answer his hyung.

     “I did but I woke up late.” His voice trembled slightly and he hated how he sounded; pitiful.

The maknae huffed. “You better tell Hoseok hyung the whole story, Kihyun hyung or I will.” He threatened and it only made Kihyun grew livid. If he wasn’t in pain or if he was thinking straight or if he hadn’t let Myungsoo’s words went too far into his head then Kihyun would’ve never said this,

     “It’s none of your business, Im Changkyun.” He gritted out and from the side he could hear Hoseok’s sudden inhale of surprise but what took him off guard was the look in the maknae’s eyes. He’d stared at him with utter disappointment and Kihyun had never stooped so low.

     One word.

That was all it took for Yoo Kihyun to easily lost it.

“C-Changkyun-ah, I-I didn’t-“

     “You know what?” The maknae spoke, voice low and cold with arms rigid by his side. “Forget it. You’re right, it’s none of my business.” With that, the youngest member of Monsta X walked out from the kitchen leaving his two hyungs standing stunned near the counter.

Hoseok cleared his throat. “He was only trying to help, you know.”

     Kihyun’s lips trembled when he sucked in a breath. His legs stung but not as much as his eyes right then and he cursed his soul for being so delicate, so fragile.

     “I know.” He muttered. “But there’s nothing to help.”

“Kihyun-ah,” Hoseok started in a low voice, “Is this about you losing weight?”

     Kihyun’s eyes were dark when his head swivelled to meet Hoseok’s gaze. “How did you know about that?” He asked, voice hardly a whisper.

Hoseok remained calm.

     “We all know. It’s just that we acted like we don’t because that’s what Myungsoo hyung told us to do, that you don’t want us to know.” He explained, unaware of the changes in Kihyun’s expression.

     “What?” The shorter guy let out softly, his eyes seeing nothing but white. “You mean you all _knew_? He _told_ you?” He seethed and only then Hoseok caught it.

He brought his hands up. “I t’s not a big deal, Kihyun. We understand. You don’t have to be mad about it.”

And that was where Hoseok went wrong in Kihyun’s eyes. Because Hoseok wouldn’t understand what Kihyun felt when the clarity reached him.

     Kihyun let the sensation of betrayal washed over him as he licked his dry lips and that was when they both heard the soft clicking coming from the outside. Someone was entering the password to their front door and a moment later it beeped open. There was only one other person who knew the numbers and Kihyun’s head perceived it quicker than a lightning.

He strolled over to the living room, waiting for the figure to fully emerged from behind the door and ignoring the ache coming from both his legs.

     Myungsoo turned with his hands both holding plastics, no doubt food and drinks for the idols when he saw Kihyun standing in the living room.

     He quirked his eyebrow. “Have you been standing doing nothing since I left?”

Kihyun clenched his jaws, biting back words that were screaming across his mind in place of his patience. And he saw the manager’s eyes travelled down his legs.

     “What happened to you?” He asked again, this time taking a step to move to the kitchen when he realized Hoseok was there. He heard him greeted the idol and Kihyun took the chance to collect himself. He inhaled deeply and said,

     “Myungsoo hyung.”

The manager turned. Looked at him. And stared.

     “We need to talk.” Kihyun said.


	6. Torn Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Kihyun-ah…” Myungsoo said in a low voice, “That’s the price you have to pay if you want to stay on top. What’s some blood going to do to you? It’s there to remind you how hard you have to work from now on. It’s time to stop thinking only about you.” He spoke, voice similar to coaxing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Aaaaannnd here's the next chapter! Sorry for the delay guys. How are we all staying alive for this comeback eh? And I thought Shoot Out was superior pffttt. N'ways, they won!!! Alligator won!!! Let's keep it up, Monbebe yeorobun! Fighting <3
> 
> On a side note, I hope everyone have a nice time reading and have a great day *kisses

CHAPTER 6: TORN FAITH

     The guy smirked at him.

“Alone?” Myungsoo inquired and Kihyun felt mocked. He tried to avoid looking at Hoseok, knowing the older guy was staring at him.

     He mouthed ‘outside’ and didn’t wait to see if the manager followed as he moved to the door. He heard the door clicked when Myungsoo stepped outside and there were only two of them. Kihyun spun on his heels and gazed straight at the other guy.

Myungsoo spoke first.

     “I cancelled the recording.”

Kihyun felt his jaw went slacked.

     “What?”

Myungsoo sighed. “You got yourself sick, Kihyun. Overworking when you’re already exhausted will not do any good to the group.”

     “But you said you’ll reschedule!” Kihyun countered.

“I did.” Myungsoo retorted. “But the company agreed to let go some of your planned recordings for the sake of Monsta X’s future songs. You’re still a part of this group, don’t forget that.” He glared.

     Kihyun allowed himself to glare back.

“I. Know.” He gritted out. “This is not the first time I got sick and the company knows that. Give me some time to recover and I’ll be good again.”

     Myungsoo snorted. It caught Kihyun offhandedly.

“I can’t believe you just said that with your own mouth.” He mumbled.

     Kihyun frowned and he really wished for the sore lingering in his throat could go away that instance because he had the sudden urge to speak his mind out.

     But it doesn’t. And Myungsoo kept on talking.

“It’s one thing to just keep thinking about yourself but to announce yourself that you’re good?” Myungsoo sneered at him. “Who told you that?”

     And with that, Kihyun’s thought went pummelling to another direction.

     He started thinking of when he first thought he sounded nice singing, and how his parents approved of him going for auditions because they thought he was good and he had nice voice and how his friends also supported him. His current members had always told him how his voice was the pillar to their group; a recognition they said. And Kihyun believed that.

     Until then.

He was brought back to reality when their door swung opened and out came Changkyun’s face, glancing only slightly at Kihyun before looking at their manager.

     He said, “Everyone’s up and ready for meal, hyung. Come on.” And Kihyun knew he was addressing only the manager.

     He felt a punch to his left but no one touched him. It was just the effect of Changkyun’s ignorance towards him and Kihyun didn’t know it would hurt him that much.

     And Myungsoo was quick to pick up on that. The door closed again and Kihyun found it suffocating when the manager opened his mouth to speak.

     “I see someone’s mad at you. What did you do this time?” He asked accusingly.

“I didn’t do anything!” Kihyun responded. “And why did you tell them about it?”

     “About what?”

“About me losing weight and going on a diet!” Kihyun answered exasperatedly. He could hear himself losing control.

     Myungsoo gave him a weird look. “I don’t see how that’s a problem, Kihyun.”

 _It is,_ Kihyun wanted to say but he was afraid he would let slip more than he should considering how his arms were starting to tremble and the pain in his legs were dulling, giving him a clear way to think again.

     He heard Myungsoo sighed and decided he hated the sound of it.

     “Look, I did what I think was right, okay? Letting your members know about it will give you a better progress. You of all people should be grateful of the way how the others are treating you.” The manager paused, glancing at the door. “Instead, I’m starting to think you’re the kind that take things for granted.”

     It certainly wasn’t the first time Kihyun found himself struggling for words only to come back to Myungsoo’s statement. The hazy sensation returned in his mind, clouding his judgements with thoughts brought about by his own insecurities and Kihyun failed to keep his ground.

     “You should be more worried about your voice.” Myungsoo said. “If the diet is what making you sick, then I think you should stop, Kihyun. I’m keeping you off the gym until your throat is better.”

The tone in Myungsoo’s voice was final. Kihyun couldn’t find it in him to argue, he was still recovering from Myungsoo’s previous statement and at times like this he knew how right Changkyun had been.

     Words infest to him like toxic; poisonous and deadly. And he only realized until it was too late.

     “We should go in.” The manager stated. “I bought your shake, finish it. That’ll keep you covered for the day.”

Kihyun’s head hung low as the manager walked in, leaving him alone in the lobby. His arms had started to quiver even more from the amount of sheer anger he’d felt and at the same time he couldn’t stop the tears that were threatening to escape from between his lashes. He despised himself for being so weak.

     He wanted to run away.

“Kihyun-ah?”

     Minhyuk’s voice did something to him. Kihyun didn’t notice it but he brought his head up and he let Minhyuk see him.

     But there was nothing beyond that Minhyuk could’ve deciphered for Kihyun was looking back at him with a smile.

     “Everyone’s waiting for you.” Minhyuk told him. Kihyun wanted to say how it was a lie; they knew he wasn’t going to eat and it was out of courtesy that Minhyuk was calling for him. He brushed it off with a nod instead.

     He went in, walked past the living room and the kitchen heading straight to his room where he changed from his shorts into a pair of trousers, minding the bandage wrapped around his legs and grabbing his bag. He’d avoided every member of his group, giving them no second glances as he reached for his shake and quietly announced where he was going. The silence ensued after his words only made Kihyun regret his actions in the wrong way.

     Maybe Hyunwoo hyung was right, he thought. He really was the vibe killer.

Ignoring the entire place, Kihyun made his departure clear with the definite thud of the front door and his destination was one-the company.

He pushed the door to their practice room opened and was greeted by the familiar scent of none other than their very own hard work. Dropping his bag neatly by the side and taking a sip of his shake before placing it down on the floor, Kihyun worked on the speaker and played one of their songs as he stretched.

     He really hoped dancing could take his mind off from the inner turmoil that was surely growing in him. Besides, he had always heard from the other Monsta X’s members how they felt serene after pouring their heart out for even just one song. Kihyun prayed it would only take him until the first chorus for his heart to set right again.

So he pressed play. And danced.

     It was after the fifth song that Kihyun started feeling even more agitated. And he guessed it might’ve radiated across the room when there was a knock on the door and he turned to see Hyungwon standing under the frame wearing his casual clothes, looking at him anxiously.

     Kihyun let his steps died along with the music.

“What are you doing here?” He asked the lead dancer in between breaths and the crack in his voice added to his misery.

     “I had a feeling I needed to check on you.” Hyungwon told him, stepping into the room. “Shownu hyung wanted to come but we both know if you wanted to, you would’ve talked to him before.” He added, never looking away from the main vocalist.

     “And I thought you guys were much more honest with me.” Kihyun spat out. “Instead, each of you went behind my back just because Myungsoo hyung cleans up for us now.”

Hyungwon’s face was a written surprise before it morphed with realization. “Is this what it’s all about? You’re jealous of Myungsoo hyung?” He asked.

     “What? No!” Kihyun retorted.

Hyungwon looked doubtful.

     “Really? Because it seems like it to me.” He chided. “You think he’s taking over your place.”

Kihyun shook his head almost forcefully. “I’m not immature, Hyungwon. I know how things work, whether they’re right or wrong. And Myungsoo hyung’s way is just – I don’t know – not exactly right for me.”

     He heard Hyungwon huffed. “Ain’t that a first.”

And for the second time that day, Kihyun let another crack albeit unclear crossed his heart. What was wrong with him? Why were things turning the way they were? Kihyun’s only answer was the fact that he’d left his phone in the living room last night before he went to bed. So he blamed his rare tardiness.

     On the other part, Hyungwon was scrutinizing him with a sharp gaze. The vocalist let his face void from any emotions as he walked over to his bag and grabbed the drink from beside it.

Hyungwon spoke as Kihyun gulped his shake.

     “I get it if you think Myungsoo hyung wasn’t supposed to tell us about it.” The tall dancer stared at the floor for a fraction before locking gaze with the smaller guy. “Even if it was for your own good. We all noticed the difference, Kihyun.”

     The slightly older guy let the words sunk in. He inhaled deeply, the taste of the protein shake lingering in his mouth as the chill cooled his burning throat. Still, he couldn’t find himself reasoning with the right prospects.

     “I asked him not to.” He muttered. “I lied – to you – the hyungs – thinking you guys knew absolutely nothing. I openly deceived all of you-“

Hyungwon made a small noise. “It doesn’t matter Ki-“

     “Of course it matters!” Kihyun fired back, fingers gripping the almost-empty-drink in his right hand tighter as he properly looked at the taller guy.

     “Fine! If you think it does, then sort it out with Myungsoo hyung.” said Hyungwon almost exasperatedly, his demeanour showing signs of giving up. “Don’t take it out on us. Or Myungsoo hyung. The guy has done a lot for us, even if you don’t notice it.”

Kihyun ignored the last part in Hyungwon’s sentences. Instead, he took his place back in the middle of the room, intending to resume his practice before turning around to face Hyungwon once again.

     “Go home.” He told him. “I need to finish what I started. I’ll be back before dinner.” He spun around and looked at the wide mirror. He watched as Hyungwon’s reflection nodded and made to leave before relaying something to the vocalist.

     “Myungsoo hyung’s cooking tonight.” Then he left.

And the song resumed. The stomping grew a notch louder and Kihyun’s laboured breathing resonated throughout the floor when the song ended. He kept going until he couldn’t, ears still hearing Hyungwon’s voice and still he pushed his body to work until his legs grew numb and he totally forgot about his earlier injuries. When dancing was no longer an option though, Kihyun opted to singing. His throat hurt still but he could always treat himself to some honey tea once he returned to the dorm, or at least that was what he thought.

     Having successfully spending two hours losing himself with the lyrics, Kihyun decided to give it a stronger push as he played the instrumental to one of their songs with consistent high notes.

He made it through the choruses. He almost forgot what manager hyung had said, like he always did.

     And sadly, like always things came hurtling back at him with wilder force.

His voice cracked right at the bridge. Yoo Kihyun’s voice never cracked.

     Not until that day.

And the worse part was the wreck that shook his entire body the moment he lost his voice. Kihyun tried to supress it; he knew the sensation too well to be surprised but when it kept coming, the vocalist knew something was wrong.

     He kept coughing as his legs moved instinctively, striding towards the washroom just across from their dance practice hall and steadying himself by the sink.

Kihyun’s frame went rigid when he tasted it; the coppery tang mixed with his saliva unmistakably the cause of his agony when he tried to swallow. Turning the tap on and letting the water ran free, Kihyun rinsed his mouth a few times. It came out pink at first but then as he coughed once again and his hand had reach up to cover his mouth, the evidence was as bright as its colour.

     For on his palm were specks of blood. His blood.

Kihyun’s vision went blurry.

     “It’s not good to waste water.” A familiar voice said from his right.

Myungsoo was leaning on the wall, his arms crossed in front him making him appeared sturdy. “Close the tap, Ki.” He instructed.

Kihyun did as he was told, rinsing his hand and only then realizing his fingers were shaking. The sound of water flowing disappeared and Kihyun could hear himself breathing again.

     “Ready to go back? Have you practiced enough for the day?”

Kihyun turned to his manager, _Monsta x’s_ manager.

     He gulped. And it almost cost him his life.

Myungsoo frowned at him. “Why are you crying?”

     The vocalist hadn’t notice it but there were tears running down his face silently, depicting his inner self. He opened his mouth and was horrified for a moment in case it’d hurt. He braced himself.

     “H-hyung…” He rasped out, cringing at the taste. “Please take me to the hospital.” He managed to let out.

Myungsoo seemed perplexed. He tilted his head and somehow Kihyun understood the change in his eyes - the look he would usually reserve when there was only him and the vocalist in the space.

     And it hit Kihyun like this; he wasn’t going to the hospital, he wasn’t going anywhere but back to the dorm and he wasn’t going to cause anymore trouble or do anything. He was to listen and do as instructed.

     Because Myungsoo had succeed in making Kihyun fall to his own doing.

     “Kihyun-ah…” Myungsoo said in a low voice, “That’s the price you have to pay if you want to stay on top. What’s some blood going to do to you? It’s there to remind you how hard you have to work from now on. It’s time to stop thinking only about you.” He spoke, voice similar to coaxing.

     Kihyun found himself staring on the floor, tracing the shape of the tiles and burning them into the back of his mind. He felt drained all of a sudden.

     “I would really appreciate it if you put others first.” Myungsoo added. He let his arms fall to his side and breathed out.

“Now, do you still want to go see the doctor?” He inquired.

Kihyun’s head hung low, face covered by his bangs and hands limp by his side. Slowly, he shook his head.

     He didn’t see the satisfaction on Myungsoo’s face.

“Great!” He clasped both hands, looking way too jovial all of a sudden. “Let’s get you home.”

     The vocalist did nothing but obliged.

And he kept his lips shut tightly as the taste of blood lingered in his throat, a constant reminder of Myungsoo’s words.

     No one knew this, but it all went downhill from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we go back to the real world, I'm planning on changing the point of views in the future chapters and was hoping you dear readers could suggest to me names of the members that you would love to read from? Looking forward to your thoughts! xoxo


	7. Devil In The Details

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And he couldn’t help the tears forming in his eyes as he saw the one thing that he’d never thought he would ever witness in Kihyun.  
> For when he locked eyes with Kihyun, there was true fear in the depths of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I have no words to describe how grateful I am of your comments, dear readers. Thank you thank you thank you so much for your thoughts and your time for reading this story. Thank you for liking and hating my manager-nim character and those who suggested me the members pov, I appreciate them a lot.  
> However, there might a slight surprise in this update so I hope you guys enjoy this as well. Excuse the mistakes :)
> 
> Have a nice day everyday *kisses

CHAPTER 7: DEVIL IN THE DETAILS

     Minhyuk wasn’t going to lie even if he knew he was best at it among the seven of them. He could certainly sense the shift that came along with their new manager and it wasn’t entirely good, if he could say so. The slightly older November guy didn’t know what it was at first but as time passed by, the mystery started to unveil itself and Minhyuk wondered if he was the only one who had caught on.

It started when Myungsoo requested to sit down and talked to only six of them – leaving Kihyun to finish his share of the recording or so they were told. When Myungsoo elaborately explained Kihyun’s intention, there were exactly two things in Minhyuk’s mind; why and why?

     What made Kihyun decided to lose weight again when he was in perfect shape, better than he was before? And what did Myungsoo meant by ‘pretending not to know’ when Minhyuk on his own had figured out that it was Kihyun’s request for them not to find out?

Why tell them in the first place?

And it most certainly did not make sense when Myungsoo said it was for a better progression when they all knew that there was no stopping Kihyun once he set his mind on something. They could all be plotting to make him not skip his meal or prevent him from going to the gym to work out and the smaller guy would still be able to do it his own way.

     That was just how persistent Kihyun was in Minhyuk’s eyes.

Not to mention that the vocalist would have no trouble losing weight as much as he gained them. And true, after only two weeks of training with Myungsoo, Minhyuk could already see the changes in Kihyun’s features.

     Kihyun was always handsome in Minhyuk’s perspective but when he lost weight, there was something akin to charming dangling around the shorter guy. He’d appear taller and firmer, his cheekbones more prominent and defined with jawlines sharp enough to cut hearts - yet the most brittle one was him - and still Kihyun wouldn’t be satisfied with all of that.

     He’d said before with determination burning in his eyes,

     “I’m yet to reach my goals.” And heavens know what his aim was because they thought it was too much for everyone to keep going so, he stopped, thankfully. Minhyuk could only pray silently that Kihyun wouldn’t go too far this time with Myungsoo’s guidance and none of them get hurt.

     Again.

Minhyuk realized his prayer was cut short when Kihyun walked past them in the kitchen and a moment later came back with his bag slung on his shoulder, one hand reaching for his drink and he softly spoke,

     “I’m going to the company. Won’t be back late.” And he left. Just like that.

No one said anything, no one stopped him and Minhyuk finally caught on to Hoseok’s fleeting gaze and Changkyun’s barely concealed annoyance that they might’ve shared the same reason, the same cause. And that very cause had just walked out the dorm hearing nothing but the sound of them eating his favourite food.

     Minhyuk never thought he’d see the day when Kihyun denied chicken. He put his chopstick down with a little force.

     He breathed out. “I want to know what happened to Kihyun before I woke up.” He announced, looking expectantly at Hoseok and Changkyun who coincidently were sitting next to each other.

Hoseok answered him first. “Changkyun knows the whole story.” He blinked and the maknae turned his head so fast Minhyuk thought he heard the sound of bones cracking into place.

     “Hyung.” He growled in his deep voice, eyes narrowed at Hoseok. Minhyuk took note that Jooheon and Hyungwon were both paying attention to the maknae as well, waiting to hear his respond while the leader kept stuffing himself with more rice. But they all had learned a long time ago that Hyunwoo had this one special power; he would always know.

     And one glance at the oldest made Minhyuk confirmed that indeed, Hyunwoo was listening as well.

     Changkyun cleared his throat. “I don’t thin-“

Their bathroom door opened and out came Myungsoo looking relieved. Minhyuk didn’t have to guess the reason why Changkyun’s words hang heavy in the air and he stared at the manager, hoping he’d feel the glare.

     Myungsoo blinked at him. “What?”

“Kihyun just left.” Minhyuk simply said.

Their manager narrowed his eyes. “Where to?” He asked.

     “Starship.” Minhyuk curtly answered.

His eyes followed as Myungsoo took his seat at the end of the table next to their tallest member and Minhyuk tried not to let his feelings show because of the food in front of them, bought by the man who undoubtedly had been the reason of Kihyun’s abrupt departure.

     “Did he take his drink?” Myungsoo questioned. Hyungwon nodded his head and their manager seemed satisfied.

     “Hyung.” Minhyuk started. “What did you talk about with Kihyun outside? Is something wrong?”

All eyes were on their manager and Minhyuk really hoped he wasn’t the only one who saw the hesitation in Myungsoo. Otherwise, he’d have to ask their leader to call for a group meeting that night, once their main vocalist returned and their manager leave.

     “Kihyun got himself sick.” responded Myungsoo.

It took Minhyuk five seconds to realize what was wrong in that statement.

     Kihyun would never get himself sick.

If there was anyone who puts health as their main concern, that person would definitely be Monsta X’s small vocalist. Minhyuk dare say more than half of the latter’s nagging to the group most of the time would regard on their wellbeing hence the source of his nickname; eomma. He would comment on how they clean the dish or the dorm, how they scrub their clothes or brush their teeth, keeping check of every food in the refrigerator to make sure no one eats anything expired – although their leader always managed to get away with it- and basically keeping them alive on daily basis. It was no wonder to them when Kihyun was the one with the least sick record among them. And Minhyuk believe it still stands till this day.

     “What do you mean ‘get himself sick’, hyung?” Minhyuk asked, insinuating part of his question as he repeats Myungsoo’s words.

The older guy sighed. “He overworked himself, with the workout and recordings all in one time. He burned out, or that’s what he told me.” He said.

     Minhyuk felt his frown deepened. He noticed Hyunwoo put down his chopstick. Their leader had stopped eating.

     “Burned out?” Jooheon’s voice penetrated their silence. Minhyuk stared at the second youngest longer than he usually would.

     Myungsoo nodded, pouted his lips slightly. “He’s losing his voice. That’s why he wasn’t at recording because I told him to rest. But instead-“ Unexpected to others, a voice cut their manager off.

     “You didn’t tell him to rest.”

Minhyuk’s gaze and frown shifted to their maknae, noting the slight defiant in the youngest’ tone when he’d spoken. And Minhyuk noticed Changkyun was clenching his jaw.

     “Sorry, Changkyun?” Myungsoo asked, looking puzzled.

“That’s not what you said to him this morning.” Changkyun clarified. “You said to Kihyun hyung he was being selfish.” He added.

     Many thoughts ran through Minhyuk’s head but only one word stuck in his mind.

     Bullshit.

“I didn’t mean to say that.” Myungsoo quickly responded, flabbergasted. “I mean – he had a rough day yesterday since he had trouble with the recordings but he still insisted to go to the gym – and he was tardy this morning. I was just trying to make him see the point.” He explained and Minhyuk wondered how he was handling their glares, no doubt all focused on him with disapproval spelt all over it.

     “Hyung,” Jooheon gulped, “you may think you’re scolding him the right way, but, with Kihyun hyung you have to choose your words properly. He’s easily affected by what others tell him.” He stated.

     “He’s sensitive.” Hoseok chirped in. “But in a good way.” He quickly said, feeding himself a spoon of rice before turning to Myungsoo.

     “Did you guys talk it out though? Just now?” He inquired.

Myungsoo licked his lips and Minhyuk really wished that Kihyun had stayed, that he didn’t leave so they could sort things out right there and then. Everything would be better again.

     If only life was that easy.

     “We did. I apologized and I told Kihyun that I’d rearranged his schedules. But then…” Myungsoo swallowed, looking down at his hands in his lap, “He asked me to cancel them. He didn’t feel like singing for a while. Said one of you could take his place instead.”

And the second epiphany washed over Minhyuk like sudden rain in the barren land.

     Because somehow, Myungsoo made Kihyun sounded like a stranger in Minhyuk’s perspective.

     “Wow.” Hoseok exhaled, his face a written disbelieved. He shook his head and carried on eating, no longer interested with the conversation.

     “Someone should go and check on him.” Minhyuk announced and intentionally avoiding looking at their manager and hoping the rest of the group would understand his request.

If anyone were to question why Minhyuk wasn’t the one who’d go instead, then they don’t know the complex between their relationships.

     “I’ll go.” Myungsoo said. “I’ll bring back Kihyun and dinner, is that okay?” He asked.

No one answered him.

     “On second thought, I’ll cook dinner. Yeah, that’s better. Kihyun can teach me some of his tricks.” The manager smiled a little and Minhyuk was seconds away from flipping the table.

But everyone knows Minhyuk wasn’t the impulsive one. So he agreed instead. And they finished their food in a distant peace.

     The moment their manager stepped out from the dorm - telling them he’d be going to the market first before picking up Kihyun from the company - Hyunwoo made the first move.

     “Back to Minhyuk’s suggestion.” He announced and Hyungwon was quick to interpret.

“Me.” He spoke. “I’ll do it. You stay, hyung.” Hyungwon told their leader and a silent agreement passed between them as Minhyuk watched.

He gave Hyungwon a knowing look and the tall guy set off. The rest of them were left waiting and Minhyuk kept on glancing at their maknae who had chosen not to tell them the entire ordeal earlier that morning without Kihyun. They all respected his choice.

     It didn’t take long for Hyungwon to return but Minhyuk had personally hoped that Kihyun was with him as well.

“How is he?” Minhyuk asked and he discerned the annoyance in Hyungwon’s face.

     “He’s just practicing.” He told them, ruffling his hair a little too rough it made Hoseok moved from the living room to the kithen counter where the tall guy was leaning.

     “So he’s fine?” Hoseok inqured.

Hyungwon nodded his head lazily and sighed. “Still Kihyun.” Then he frowned. “I didn’t think he’d minded Myungsoo hyung taking over the chores for him.”

Minhyuk looked up, his neck stretching. “What did he say?”

“From the beginning, Wonnie.” Hyunwoo spoke, face serious and Minhyuk would always be amazed with their leader’s capability to detect things. “What did you guys talk about?”

     Hyungwon started from the top. He told them everything from his point of view. Until at one part it caught Minhyuk’s attention faster than the rest of them. That was why it was he who asked,

“You mean Kihyun found out that we knew about his training with Myungsoo hyung?” He dreaded the answer.

Hyungwon nodded his head but it was Hoseok who spoke next.

     “I sort of told him about it this morning.” He muttered lowly.

“What?” Minhyuk was baffled. “Why did you tell him, hyung?”

     Then Jooheon joined in, “No wonder he looked angry when he left. Or was it just me?” He voiced out.

Hoseok had never looked so guilty and if it was any other time, Minhyuk would’ve find it adorable but then wasn’t it.

     He finally knew the reason behind Kihyun’s gaze before he walked out of the dorm and he never expected things to take a turn this way.

     “We shouldn’t have agreed on this in the first place.” Minhyuk mumbled softly, knowing everyone could hear him. He looked over to his side; Changkyun had been staring into nothing while they’d been talking and if there was a time Minhyuk wished for the clock to go quicker, it was right then.

He really needed to see Kihyun.

     And as if on cue, the front door opened.

In stepped Myungsoo. Followed by Monsta X’s main vocalist.

     The first thing Minhyuk noticed was how pale Kihyun looked. Standing next to their tall manager had made the vocalist appeared so small and was it Minhyuk or did Kihyun’s hands just tremble?

     “We’re back.” Myungsoo announced but Minhyuk saw nothing apart from his friend.

     And he couldn’t help the tears forming in his eyes as he saw the one thing that he’d never thought he would ever witness in Kihyun.

     For when he locked eyes with Kihyun, there was true fear in the depths of them.     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, this is the first part of Minhyuk's point of view. Yes, there's another one. I ended up writing twice the amount of the regular chapter so I decided to divide them. Do expect another update within this week, or maybe not. We'll see ;)


	8. Fallen Crust Of Feigned Strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He always thought Kihyun was the best listener among them. Hyunwoo knows everything but the younger guy gets the little things. It was like they completed each other and no one knows how blessed Minhyuk felt to have them both in the group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: As promised *wink  
> Carry on reading!

CHAPTER 8: FALLEN CRUST OF FEIGNED STRENGTH

     Kihyun hadn’t say a word. To any of them.

Minhyuk had watched him through blurry gaze, keeping his stare solely on the vocalist as the rest of them tried to look like they weren’t just talking about the smaller guy but Kihyun wasn’t even in the room. He’d moved along with the manager to the kitchen and started taking things out from the grocery bags. Minhyuk stood by the side as the others spread away, too struck to act.

Myungsoo saw him. “Do you want to help, Minhyuk?” He asked.

     He caught the small glance Kihyun gave him and somehow, it made his heart constricted even more.

     “Yeah… sure.” He moved towards the two, taking his spot conveniently between them and taking a look at what was on the counter.

     “What are you making, Kihyunnie?” Minhyuk started and the slight flinch Kihyun gave him didn’t go unnoticed. He waited for an answer only to receive a look from the smaller guy, somewhat between confronting and pleading. Minhyuk didn’t know what to make out of it.

     “Minhyuk-ah, let Kihyun do his portion.” Myungsoo told him from the side, already busy with his hands chopping vegetables. “Why don’t you start cleaning the squids and prawns?” He nudged his chin towards the black plastic bag in the sink.

     Minhyuk frowned.

     “We’re having seafood?” He questioned.

“Yup.” Myungsoo smacked his lips. He didn’t forget to smile.

     Minhyuk’s frown deepened. “Myungsoo hyung, Kihyun doesn’t take seafood.” He stated.

     “Oh, really?” The manager sounded surprised, his eyebrows raised. “Is he allergic to them?”

Minhyuk shook his head, silently hoping Kihyun wouldn’t mind of them talking about him like he wasn’t in the same room. He was standing next them for god sake.

     “He doesn’t like the smell.” He answered honestly. All of them knew why Kihyun always declined seafood, making chicken his number one favourite.

     Myungsoo hummed lowly. Minhyuk glanced at his side to look at his same aged friend – Kihyun’s head hung low and his hair covered his face it gave Minhyuk the urge to push those black strands away.

     But he didn’t.

     “Kihyun-ah.” Myungsoo called and the vocalist looked up. “You didn’t say anything when I mentioned seafood in the car just now so I assume you don’t mind. You’ll eat them, right?”

     Minhyuk found himself holding his breath when he watched Kihyun nodded his head almost instantly. Myungsoo told them to work quicker and the two idols obediently did as told. All the while they were in the kitchen, Minhyuk noticed that Kihyun never made a sound.

     In fact, he hadn’t opened his mouth since he returned to the dorm.

     Something clicked in his head then.

“Does your throat still hurt, Kihyunnie?”

     The smaller guy took a few seconds to respond and his only answer was a timid nod.

That was it.

They got lost in the time as the dishes were cooked and Minhyuk couldn’t pushed away the small voice that kept telling him to grab Kihyun and hide him in a room. So they could talk.

     Just the two of them.

     He was almost sure he didn’t imagine the tremble wrecking Kihyun’s being no matter how hard the vocalist tried to conceal it.

“I think we’re almost ready for dinner.” Myungsoo commented, staring proudly at his cooking. “Should we call the others?”

     It never takes an effort to get everyone in Monsta X to gather for meal when the smell already had half of the group lurking around checking for the source. Within a few minutes, everyone was seated around their small dining table in the living room, dishes served and ready to satiate. But the elephant in the room was yet to be addressed.

     Until Jooheon asked,

     “What are you eating, Kihyun hyung?”

That was the first question from the rapper which was laced with hesitancy it took Minhyuk a while to figure out why until he studied the rest of their members.

     They were expecting Kihyun to still be angry. At them.

And Minhyuk of all people knew Kihyun wasn’t one to hold grudges and stay mad for a long time. He was just too nice that way.

But Myungsoo was faster. “Everyone’s having the same thing, Jooheonnie.” He sweetly said. “Dig in.”

     The way Kihyun’s chopsticks reluctantly reached out for the food as Minhyuk observed from the other end gave the latter reasons to burst out his most dubious thoughts while the rest stared with amazement. It didn’t feel right – hell, it didn’t even look right as their vocalist chewed his food but the peace was too condescending to be ruined.

     And Minhyuk was counting the time until he could look and speak to the smaller guy properly, honestly.

     He’d get to the bottom of this.

“Kihyun-ah, is that your protein shake?” Hoseok’s sudden question made Minhyuk’s breath caught in his throat.

     Kihyun blinked. Then nodded.

     “Can I have a taste of it?”

“No!” cried their manager and they all turned to him with a weird look.

     Myungsoo seemed to realize what he just did as he cleared his throat and fake a chuckle.

     “He has to finish it, Wonho.” He said, flustered.

Hoseok pouted his lips. “Even just a little bit?”

     Myungsoo sighed. “I’ll get you one if you want it as well. Tomorrow, okay?” He promised and Hoseok gave up, went back to finishing his and Hyungwon’s share of rice.

     Minhyuk thought he saw the manager sighed in relief.

Myungsoo talked then, explaining to them of their schedules for the next three days before they get another free day again and Minhyuk watched the vocalist as the latter listened.

     He always thought Kihyun was the best listener among them. Hyunwoo knows everything but the younger guy gets the little things. It was like they completed each other and no one knows how blessed Minhyuk felt to have them both in the group.

     “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Was Myungsoo’s bidding to them once they finished eating and had cleaned up. They thanked him for his food and he gave them his gratitude as well. Just before the door closed, Myungsoo muttered,

     “Get well soon, Kihyun.”

They were left in heavy dull silence until Hyunwoo spoke up,

     “Let’s gather for a while before we go to bed, is that okay with everyone?”

     They moved with unison and found their own spots in the living room. Somehow, Kihyun had ended up as their centre of focus as he stayed standing, his back towards their television as he faced the rest. Kihyun opened his mouth to speak but Minhyuk thought he should say it first.

     So he did.

     “We’re sorry, Kihyunnie.” He said, face hardened with guilt. “We shouldn’t have lied to you.”

     “Nnoo…” Kihyun let out.

Minhyuk heard his world in the form of Kihyun’s voice crumbled.

     Because that was exactly how it had sounded when the smaller guy’s lips parted and he’d said a word that weighed too much pain.

     Everyone totally understood then why Kihyun never spoken throughout dinner.

     And they let him speak. Because they wanted to listen this time.

     Even if it sounded unfamiliar to them. It was still Kihyun, wasn’t it?

     “I lied to you guys.” The vocalist croaked out. “I’m really sorry.”

And he bowed his head to the group.

     “Kihyunnie,”

“It won’t happen again.” He assured, head still bowed and voice still broken.

     This wasn’t how Minhyuk had imagined it.

“So you’re not angry at us?” Hoseok inquired in a quite tone.

     The smaller guy shook his head. Then glanced at their youngest member.

     “Are you guys angry at me?” He asked, still looking at Changkyun.

The rapper’s face was void of any emotions. Until he spoke,

     “Not if you’re not.” And he broke into a tiny smile, one that Kihyun returned with no less affection.

But Minhyuk was still unease.

     He couldn’t figure out why.

They’d talked some more, explaining things and straightening facts with Kihyun mostly doing the answering while they questioned but Minhyuk took note of the colour draining from the vocalist’s face.

     “I think it’s time we wrap it up for tonight.” stated Hyunwoo, no doubt having caught the tired look on Kihyun. No one disagreed so they all went to wash up and get ready for bed.

     Minhyuk thought it was only right if he did what he thought he should.

     He reached out for Kihyun’s arm.

     “Kihyunnie.” He called.

The said guy blinked at him.

     Minhyuk tried not to falter. He took a deep breath.

“Are you okay?” He asked, staring hard at his friend.

     Kihyun kept blinking at him. It took fifteen seconds for the smaller guy to respond.

     “I’m fine.” He said. “As long as I have you, I’ll be okay.” Kihyun smiled at him.

Minhyuk thought it looked painful when the vocalist swallowed. He tightened his grip on Kihyun’s arm, his fingers gently wrapped around the smaller limb.

     “You’ll tell me if something’s wrong, right?” Minhyuk further inquired, eyes boring into Kihyun’s glazed ones, hoping to find something he’d missed.

     Kihyun’s hand on his managed to calm his inner mayhem and Minhyuk knew he would never stop caring when there were others who cared of him equally as well, or maybe more.

     “You’ll be the first to know.” Kihyun answered honestly.

With that as assurance, Minhyuk let his hand fall off Kihyun and they went to their respective rooms, eager to rest and get some sleep before morning comes.

     It had only been thirty minutes after Minhyuk drifted off to dreamland that he woke up to find Kihyun calling his name.

     “What?” He slurred, eyes squinting to see in the dark.

“Do you mind if I sleep here?” came Kihyun’s voice.

     Minhyuk needed a few beats longer for him to process the question and after he did, he moved to the side to give space for the vocalist to climb in. He could make out the soft sound of Jooheon’s breathing from the next bed as Kihyun settled beside him.

     It didn’t really occur to him why Kihyun requested to share bed. The last time they had slept together were during their training period and it was always Minhyuk asking for Kihyun, unlike that night when the vocalist had come on his own will. He stopped inviting after they debuted, mainly because they were too tired to sleep in a cramped position and Jooheon would sometimes complaint of his lack of time with Minhyuk.

     So he ended up sharing with the rapper instead and Kihyun never seemed to mind.

     “Minhyuk-ah.”

The call of his name pulled him towards consciousness again and this time, Minhyuk was half awaked.

     “What’s wrong?” He asked, holding back the baseless worry he knew would suffocate the smaller guy. “Can’t sleep?”

He felt a small movement from his side and he wondered what was in Kihyun’s mind.

     He didn’t have to ponder long.

     “I think I get it now what you guys meant with me being perverted about cleaning and stuffs.” Kihyun spoke in a low voice.

Where did that come from? Minhyuk thought.

The vocalist inhaled shakily and Minhyuk was horrified for a moment that Kihyun was going to cry.

     But he didn’t. He kept on talking, knowing the other two occupants in the room were heavy sleepers and not even the earthquakes could wake them up unless they want to.

“I didn’t realize it before and I don’t know what took me so long.” He explained. “But now that I see myself differently…” He trailed off and Minhyuk thought he felt asleep.

     “Kihyunnie, you know I wasn’t being serious, right? It was just for entertainment.” Minhyuk told him.

     He felt Kihyun nodded. “I know. But it wasn’t totally a lie either. You guys would never lie to me like I did.”

     Minhyuk reached out for Kihyun’s hand then, searching in the dark and feeling the slim fingers interlaced with his. The first thought that came into him mind was ‘Why’s his hand so cold?’.

“Do you really want to do this?” Minhyuk waited patiently for Kihyun’s answer. “Are you in your right mind to talk right now? Or do you just want to sleep and wake up tomorrow to see things better? When you’re not tired and I’m fully awake.”

     This time, he felt Kihyun curled in towards him. “Sleep.” He stated. “I can’t really talk. My voice is like hell.”

     Minhyuk snorted at that. He waited a few moments until he felt the person next to him relaxed and his breathing slowed down into a regular rhythm before he himself drifted off.

His last thought before falling under was for tomorrow to come with a better change.

     The universe chose to leave the better part behind.

* * *

 

     The reason Kihyun found himself sitting upright having just woke up from his sleep was not due to Minhyuk’s steadily growing snore but instead the disturbing sensation coming from his middle. The rumbling and growling of his gastric content were what that had pulled Kihyun from a rather restless sleep and he felt chills running through him like a downpour.

     He gulped. Swallowed.

And the pain was always there to remind him.

     Getting nauseated, Kihyun slowly stood up and walked out of the room, careful not to make any noise because he forgot how dead they could be as he swayed on his feet before stumbling into the bathroom right across his room.

     Kihyun also forgot how his own roommates weren’t as dead.

     He switched the light on and his first instinct was to hold on before lurching forward towards the toilet bowl, gagging as he felt his gut trying to expulse what he’d consumed.

Kihyun knew he shouldn’t have gone too far with the seafood. But damn was he hungry.

     Eventually he threw up, emptying his stomach from anything and everything. He retched and hurled for what felt like hours until there was nothing left and the only worry he got was how hoarse his voice would end up.

     The colour of his blood was a blur by then.

Thinking he was done, Kihyun flushed down the toilet, noticing how his hand was shaking and feeling sweats forming on his forehead. He roughly wiped it with the back of his hand when another wave of sickness assaulted him, making the queasiness returned.

     He gagged again but this time there was nothing coming out. He dry-heaved into the toilet several times and when the last of his strength dissipated, Kihyun let his tears run free.

What he didn’t expect was the sound of a door being opened and footstep followed.

     The shadow from the hallway entered the bathroom and Kihyun dreaded who it was until the silhouette came closer, revealing the one person Kihyun had hoped to avoid for as long as he could, at least until he got his shit together again.

But there he was, standing tall under the doorframe looking at Kihyun with expressions he could not decipher but his own openly displayed.

     With shaky breaths, Kihyun let out,

“Shownu hyung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Insert evil laugh hehehe  
> Things are getting even more interesting in the next chapter so do look forward!  
> Thanks for all the comments and kudos guys. <3  
> Leave me your precious thoughts on this one and have a nice day! *kisses
> 
> p/s: I haven't got the time to reply to each one of the comments but I do read them through. I really like it when I know your point of view for the story so far so keep it coming, yeah?


	9. Temporary Haven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the present events were like puzzle pieces to him – disorganized and out of place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello there! Here's an update with less angst and more peace, I hope? Thanks for the comments and kudos, dear readers. <3
> 
> Have a nice day and stay amazing, people *wink

CHAPTER 9: TEMPORARY HAVEN

     Being a leader, no matter to what organization you belong – be it the president of a big industrial company or the head village of a small town or in this case, the main force of a kpop boy group – there would always be one thing to fear for; failure.

     The consistent, lingering feeling where one might make the wrong move or take the wrong step ending with bringing down the entire constitution shouldn’t be something unfamiliar to a leader.

And Hyunwoo was content to say that he had a fair share of those moments himself as Monsta X’s leader. But after a while he learned that it wasn’t necessary for, he held one of the most solid, strong and distinctive group in the entertainment industry of South Korea. There was nothing to be afraid of when you’ve tasted hardships at its finest before claiming yourself the success you deserve.

     You just have to aim higher next.

     But some of the things that had to be given away or as they say it, the price that needed to be paid, those were the eternal sacrifices each of them had to make. And it wasn’t easy, not from Hyunwoo’s point of view but having each other on their back made them lethal in a way.

     And Monsta X as one was deadly.

They weren’t at the moment though, and Hyunwoo knew his eyes never deceive him, at least not yet. He should’ve acted when he first heard of Kihyun’s plan, knowing how something was somehow _wrong_ when the smaller guy decided to lose weight one more time.

     They’d been through this before, and to be perfectly honest, Hyunwoo had really thought the matter would end the moment Kihyun fed himself a large number of meats for dinner and stopped staring into the mirror to judge himself of his flaws. And that was almost a year ago when things were still looking bleak and uncertainty clouded every corner.

     He watched as Kihyun pulled himself up again, and although the younger guy told them how he couldn’t have made it without them, Hyunwoo personally believed that it had been him alone fighting his own demons and he’d survived amazingly. Kihyun’s unwavering faith was one of many reasons for Hyunwoo to keep holding on as well.

     Hyunwoo may be the leader but he’d long understood that the pillars to their trust were Kihyun’s ownership. His voice, the mark of their recognition functioned as more than just an identification – it was their source of hope.

Although Jooheon might disagree on the nagging part, Hyunwoo mused.

Seeing as how things were turning, Hyunwoo wouldn’t indulged with the ‘what ifs’ his head was trying to make him see. He knew his members well, and they knew him well enough to come to him for help without Hyunwoo having to intervene in the first place.

     The avoidance Kihyun gave him however, left a bitter taste in his mouth. He’d never taken Kihyun as a solo fighter before but they respected each other enough for Hyunwoo not to push the matter further. When the time comes, Hyunwoo will see to it.

     He just didn’t expect it to be in the form of Kihyun clinging to the toilet bowl with a death grip looking like a ghost summoned from death itself.

     “Shownu hyung.” Kihyun had rasped his name and a splinter made its way to Hyunwoo’s heart. That was just how powerful and destructive Kihyun was, close enough to break those who care for him.

     He’d opened his eyes, hearing the sound of Kihyun throwing up and like lightning, Hyunwoo was on his feet and out the door in records time despite being not fully awake yet. The sight that greeted him somehow chased away the remnants of sleep in his system and Hyunwoo’s head was never clearer.

The leader stayed by the door, contemplating on his next move with expression loose on his face, though he doubted the younger guy saw it since they frequently commented on how emotionless his expression was most of the time.

     Another round of heaving coming from Kihyun’s folded form next to the toilet had him acting on autopilot. The next thing he knew he was in the bathroom as well, squatting beside the main vocalist with one hand rubbing the latter’s back in a soothing manner.

     The prominent outline of Kihyun’s spine had Hyunwoo fighting back a cringe and he waited until the younger was done that he asked,

     “Can you stand up?”

The small sniff that Kihyun fought to hide had Hyunwoo leaning forward and only then he realized the streaks of wet tears on the vocalist’s pale face. He felt himself went rigid at the sight.

     For as long as Hyunwoo had known Kihyun, there were only few occasions where one could witness the small guy in his vulnerable state, the most recent was when they had won first place for the first time. Even then it had been a coincident; Hyunwoo had walked into the kitchen in the middle of the night to get a glass of water when he noticed he wasn’t alone. Kihyun was standing in front of the refrigerator, wearing his pyjamas with hair tousled and Hyunwoo thought the younger was sleep walking when Kihyun turned to him with red eyes and a wet face.

     And he’d understood, somehow.

The vocalist had been too shocked to let his tears fall during the early hours and Hyunwoo was one among many who’d learnt what the silence could do to a soul.

     How deafening and muted it could get at once and the next second there was no stopping the outburst. So Hyunwoo allowed himself to be kind, ignoring the thirst calling him or the sleep that demanded to be redeemed as he quietly grabbed the vocalist by his wrist and dragged him to the living room where they both sat next to each other and stare into nothing, just the comfortable silence as their company.

     And Kihyun had willingly opened his mouth then to tell the leader,

     “Good job today, Shownu hyung.” He smiled between hiccups. “You make me proud.” It was minimal but it let Hyunwoo understood a thousand more about Yoo Kihyun.

And the present events were like puzzle pieces to him – disorganized and out of place.

     “H-hyung…” Kihyun’s voice was the same, but then different. How was that possible? Hyunwoo pondered as he held the guy close, one arm around the waist and the other holding the slim arm as it slung over his shoulder. He knew the tone well though.

     “Ki,” Hyunwoo started, then took note of the tremor that wrecked Kihyun’s entire being, making the lines between his eyebrows deepened a thousand-fold, “should I take you to the emergency?” He questioned, eyes searching for signs that the younger might fainted on him because it surely seemed like it. Hyunwoo secured his hold on the younger guy a little tight as they walked out of the bathroom.

     He felt Kihyun shook his head. “I just need to drink some water, hyung.” The vocalist croaked out.

     “Are you sure?” Hyunwoo questioned further and the weak nod Kihyun sent him did nothing to assure the leader. But he compelled to Kihyun’s request so he sat the smaller guy on the chair near the counter as he grabbed an empty glass and filled it with cold water.

He handed it to Kihyun who smiled at him gratefully.

     “Thanks, Hyunwoo hyung.” He sighed and Hyunwoo watched him drank.

“Was it the seafood?”

     Kihyun hummed.

“Why did you eat anyway, Ki?”

     “Honestly, I was hungry.” He stared at the counter top for a second too long. “Besides, you said you’d hang out with me if I start to eat seafood.”

     Hyunwoo raised an eyebrow. “So you’re putting the blame on me?”

Kihyun let out a tiny chuckle and Hyunwoo thought it had been a while since he last heard of that sound.

     “Hyung,” Kihyun’s tone never failed to make Hyunwoo feel at peace and at war at the same time, “what time is it?”

He squinted his eyes towards the clock up on the wall. “Almost 4 am.”

     “Aren’t you going back to sleep, hyung?”

Hyunwoo let himself stared at the vocalist. The proofs of sickness were still evident in Kihyun’s face but the look he gave the leader was one of reassurance.

     Hyunwoo wondered whether it was meant for him or for the younger guy himself.

     He sighed and watched Kihyun fought back a yawn.

“Let’s go to bed.” He stood up, stretching his arms and feeling the bones popped into place when he heard Kihyun called him.

     “Hyung?”

Hyunwoo turned. “Hmm?”

The vocalist blinked at him. “Should I stop?”

It was nonchalant but Hyunwoo interpreted it just the same. The lack of specific details or any other apprehension only gave it away even more.

     You shouldn’t have started in the first place, Hyunwoo wanted to say. There was no need to.

     “Your cheeks gone. Changkyun’s taller than you now. Is that what you want? Are you happy?” Hyunwoo voiced out instead.

He saw the ongoing conflict crossed Kihyun’s eyes like fire waves – deadly and brutal. That wasn’t what Hyunwoo had expected.

     “You may not look like one, but you’ll always be a shark to me, Ki.” The leader added, hoping to see the turmoil Kihyun had openly displayed to him would fade away.

     It did, even if it was just a little, and in the form of a smirk.

     “You’re only saying that to make me feel better.” Kihyun told him.

Hyunwoo wasn’t a liar.

     “Did it work?”

The vocalist shook his head.

     “Whatever.” Hyunwoo rubbed at his eyes. “You’re my shark.”

The last part had Kihyun’s eyes round and bulging.

     “We should really go to sleep. You’re talking gibberish, hyung.” The younger guy let out.

Hyunwoo simple rolled his eyes, though uncharacteristic of him and let Kihyun led the way to their shared room with the other two members.

     They were careful to not make any noises, wary of Changkyun being a light sleeper and there were seconds where Hyunwoo thought he should push other things away and be bold as he watched Kihyun made for the stairs to his bunk.

     So he did.

He grabbed Kihyun by the wrist, wrapping his fingers around the small frame and hating the way how skinny it felt in his own. The room was dark but somehow Hyunwoo could easily make out Kihyun’s questioning expression looking at him.

     “Sleep here tonight.” He whispered.

He didn’t wait for answer, because that was just how brave Hyunwoo could get when he wanted to. He pulled the younger guy towards _his_ bed and not so gracefully pushed Kihyun onto it. He climbed in next and allowed himself to get familiar to Kihyun’s sound of breathing.

     It didn’t take him long.

But just as he was about to fall under, Hyunwoo heard the small, cracked voice said,

     “I should stop.”

You should.

     “Do what you think is right.” He answered. He felt Kihyun nodded, their heads inches apart on Hyunwoo’s pillow and he waited, knowing well what the other guy was thinking of.

And somehow, Kihyun knew it as well.

     “I don’t ever want to stop singing, hyung.”

“I know.” Hyunwoo’s mind was brought back to dinner but the words spoken by someone he barely knew turned deaf to his ears.

     The only voice that mattered was Kihyun’s.

     “I want to perform for the rest of my life. With all of you. I see myself standing next to you, the leader. I want us to stay as Monsta X for another hundred years.”

And Hyunwoo’s eyes flashed with images of all of them, many years to come still having each other content as ever with Kihyun’s words ringing like poetry to his sense.

     Then he heard Kihyun asked,

     “Is that selfish of me?”

Then I’m selfish too, Hyunwoo thought in his head. He turned to his side, facing the smaller guy and muttering,

     “Sleep, Ki. You need it. Otherwise Jooheonnie will sing your parts instead.”

     He watched as the main vocalist’s lips parted, letting out a silent airy laugh. He closed his eyes, burning the image in the back of his head.

     If Hyunwoo could ask for one thing, that’d be for his groupmates to never experience hurt or pain. But with those comes strength so the only way to move forward was to be strong himself, Hyunwoo mentally thought.

     “Wake me up if you feel sick again.” mumbled the older.

“I’m fine, hyung.” Kihyun responded in a small voice.

     That’s what they all said. And Kihyun was the best liar after Minhyuk.

     After a long bout of silence, with eyes still closed, Hyunwoo whispered,

     “I’ll still hang out with you even if you don’t eat seafood, you know.”

     There was no answer from the younger guy.

     “Ki?”

* * *

 

     “Why is Kihyun hyung sleeping in Hyunwoo hyung’s bed?” A deep voice asked.

     Another voice answered, “I swear he was in my bed last night.”

“Did you scare him away?” That was Hoseok. “I never took you as a bad sleeper before.”

     Minhyuk’s snort was familiar in Hyunwoo’s daze as he slowly blinked awake, the soft conversation pulling him from his slumber.

     “You got me mistaken with Hyungwon, Hoseok hyung.” Minhyuk said, glaring at the older guy.

The maknae’s deep tone re-entered the conversation. “Why was Kihyun hyung sleeping with you last night? And how did he end up with Shownu hyung?”

     Hyunwoo let out a low grunt as he stretched his limbs awake, catching sight of the main vocalist still deep in sleep next to him, curled on his side with back facing the leader. He looked up to three figures looking down at them, curiosity spelled out on each face.

     Hyunwoo smiled at them.

     “Morning, hyung.” Minhyuk chirped.

He gave a deep hum but it sounded more like a growl. “Morning.” He cleared his throat.

     “What’s wrong with Kihyun?” Hoseok inquired the moment Hyunwoo pulled himself up to a sitting position, the knowing look visible on the second oldest’ face.

     Hyunwoo sighed. “He got sick last night. Threw up the food that we ate so I told him to sleep down here.”

     Changkyun’s face turned serious. “How bad was it?” He asked.

Hyunwoo glanced at the sleeping form on his bed, thinking he must’ve imagined Kihyun shivering as he told them,

     “Let’s just say he won’t look at anything but chicken for the next few weeks.”

Hoseok nodded his head in understanding, then told them they better get ready since it was about time to go for their schedule. Minhyuk was entrusted to wake the laziest member of Monsta X and Hyunwoo thought he’d never see the day he woke up before Kihyun.

     He turned to the vocalist once again.

Reached out to shake the younger guy awake when his hold on Kihyun felt too warm for a normal occasion.

     “Ki?” He called out. “Wake up, Kihyun. We have schedules.” He shook him by the waist and there was no response.

Hyunwoo stayed calm. He’d been through these multiple times.

     But a small voice told him this time it was different. He didn’t listen.

     “Kihyunnie?”

Pulling the vocalist from his position until he was laying on his back, Hyunwoo noted the slight tremble coming from Kihyun’s entire form and the thin layer of sweat on his forehead, his breathe coming in short.

     Hesitantly, Hyunwoo placed the back of his hand on Kihyun’s forehead, brushing aside the dark strands and feeling the burning temperature collided with his cool skin.

     Shit, he inwardly cursed.

Kihyun had a fever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me your thoughts! *kisses


	10. Safe Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want a whole chicken for myself. Half-seasoned, half-fried.” He said, catching the small smirk Hyunwoo gave him. He missed Minhyuk’s glare though as he settled back down on the bed and made himself comfortable. He could easily detect their leader’s scent and somehow, it made him felt safe inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello there! Wow, what a reaction I got from the previous chapter *evil smirks  
> Here's another update and I hope you guys like it. Just a head up, I won't be updating in a while since I have another (yes, another one) exam coming but don't worry, once it's over I'll be focusing on this story. *fingers crossed  
> Enjoy this chapter and have a nice day <3

CHAPTER 10: SAFE INSIDE

     Kihyun felt the gentle touch on him but he couldn’t get his eyes opened and why was the room so warm? Hearing mumbled voices at the edge of his consciousness only spiked more questions to his surroundings. He gathered enough will to crack his eyes opened, barely a small slit when the lights hit him brusquely and he was assaulted with dizziness.

     “Kihyun, can you hear me?”

It took him a few seconds to identify whose voice it was when the hand on his face trailed along the lines of his eyebrows and the familiar gesture could only belonged to one of their members.

     “M-minnie…?” He croaked out, throat no longer feeling like dust. Instead, his vocal cords rubbed non-existent leaving the sound to be no more than just coarse rasp in air. He forced his eyes opened wider and the silhouette of their beagle-like vocalist entered his vision.

     But the cheery face was shadowed with a prominent worry and concern it made Kihyun’s blood boiled a temperature hotter to perceive that his friend was upset and he wanted to know why.

     But the words Minhyuk spoke to him clearly gave the answer with no gap.

     “You’re burning up, Kihyunnie.”

And the events from the day before flared in Kihyun’s head like forgotten fragments as it felt so long and so far. He guessed that was the effect of spending the night before going to sleep with their oldest member – be it in the same or different bed – having cleared his mind from uncertainty and he was set on straightening things out, just like he’d told Hyunwoo in the dark.

     He smirked. “No wonder you kinda look hot this morning.” He joked, attempting to reduce the crease on Minhyuk’s pretty face when he realized that the latter was already dolled up for their schedules. Kihyun’s reflex was quick as he tried to sit up and Minhyuk had half the idea of what he was about to do so his arms were prepared to hold Kihyun from moving further.

     It made the hamster-like guy frowned at his friend. “Move away, Minhyuk.” He said, as nicely as he could. It wasn’t helping that his head was clapping thunder the moment he got up from the pillow. “I need to wash up.”

     “You’re staying home.” Minhyuk told him with finality.

Kihyun blinked stupidly, as if he didn’t understand a word that came out of Minhyuk’s mouth.

     The other guy sighed and scratched the side of his head. “It’s usually you doing this, you know. Please don’t make it hard for me.”

It was Kihyun’s turn to frown. “I don’t get what you just said, Minhyuk-ah. Now let me get up, we’re running late.”

     He pushed aside the caring arms of his friend and made to stand up when the dizziness amplified and he found himself spinning without moving. A soft groaned escaped him, gentle hands pulled him back to the mattress and Kihyun’s hand reached for his head.

     He had the urged to mouth out profanities.

     “The only thing you’re running on is a fever, Ki.”

The leader came into view, standing at the doorway wearing only his shorts and hair wet, seemingly finished washing up. A small towel slung over his shoulder, one end drying his dark strands while his eyes stared at their main vocalist.

     Hyunwoo’s gaze left no room for discussion.

“You’re getting the day off.” He spoke as he moved further into the room, picking up clothes and throwing the towel aside. He talked and put on his shirt at the same time.

     “I’ll tell Myungsoo hyung so don’t worry about it. If you don’t feel any better by night time or if it worsens, call us. Call me. I’ll come get you.”

Minhyuk was the one nodding at the leader’s instruction. He turned back to Kihyun, hands still firm on the small shoulders and eyes imploring for Kihyun to be obedient.

     “Kihyun-ah, if you behave, I’ll get you chicken for dinner tonight, deal?”

Nothing, not even the fever could stop Kihyun from flicking Minhyuk across the forehead.    

     “Ow!” exclaimed Minhyuk, one hand shooting up to press on his injury. “Shownu hyung, Kihyun’s being a rebel.”

“Am not!” Kihyun rasped out and just like that, his peace was robbed off as the cough made its comeback. The frown coming from the other two didn’t go unnoticed by the main vocalist but he shrugged it off like many other times. Clearing his throat and tasting the familiar sensation of copper and sand made Kihyun yield to his fate for the day.

     His words to Hyunwoo the previous night weren’t going to be empty promises.

He’ll keep singing until he can’t.

     “I want a whole chicken for myself. Half-seasoned, half-fried.” He said, catching the small smirk Hyunwoo gave him. He missed Minhyuk’s glare though as he settled back down on the bed and made himself comfortable. He could easily detect their leader’s scent and somehow, it made him felt safe inside.

Minhyuk said something but Kihyun’s head was already muddled with sleep. He barely heard them leaving and the fever took over, encasing him in a deep slumber and Kihyun was gone.

     Not even the passing time woke him up, at least not until six hours later when the sun was covered by the dark clouds and droplets of rain started to fall, hitting the surface of the earth mercilessly as Kihyun laid in bed with a subsiding fever.

He would always be grateful for his immune system that could easily get rid of sickness without having him to succumb to medication. The rest of Monsta X envied him for it but it gave Kihyun a whole other point – where he wouldn’t be nagged by them as a payback since they couldn’t force him with it like he did with them, or mostly at the three youngers than him. But then it wasn’t as if Kihyun hated taking medicine even though he rarely needed them. The karma didn’t work on him like that.

     The constant thrumming on the window glass somewhat matched the dull thump going on in the back of Kihyun’s head. He wallowed on the sudden change of weather when suddenly there were noises coming from outside the room. It pecked the vocalist’s curiosity; did the members returned already?

     They were planned for photoshoots in the afternoon, having some recordings in the morning and an interview with some radio channel from what Kihyun’s muzzled head could recall. He wondered if there were changes made due to his absence and guilt knocked at his conscience almost instinctively like it always did these past few weeks. He shoved the thought away instead, just like how he flushed down the food particles he threw up last night – with regrets and sorrow – before he was reminded of Hyunwoo’s words.

_You’re my shark._

     It was enough to make him smile a little.

His phone went off, signalling a text came in and was mildly surprised to see the leader’s contact name displayed. Why was Hyunwoo texting him if he was already back at the dorm? He could just walk into the room or maybe call Kihyun out, the vocalist thought before something else crossed his mind and his eyes went slightly rounder.

     What if it was a burglar?

He quickly brushed the thought away when he remembered it was still broad daylight – not exactly broad, but day still – and concluded that some of the members must’ve finished their parts early.

     Kihyun read the text and wasn’t surprised to know that Hyunwoo was asking about his fever. He answered it and dropped his phone back onto the bed not waiting for a reply before slowly getting up and testing his balance before taking a step. Sensing no vertigo pursuing his act, Kihyun walked slowly to the door and flung it opened, head popping out to look for the source of noise. He could’ve easily imagined the sound due to his still-feverish-head.

     But of course, being Kihyun, things were hardly misplaced and he was the kind of person that believed things happened for a reason.

     And yet Myungsoo wasn’t one of it.

Standing in the kitchen with his arms crossed over his chest and eyes staring forlornly at the counter was the new manager. Kihyun approached the older guy and noticed how quiet the latter was compared to the noise he’d heard from inside the room.

     Huh, he must’ve actually imagined it after all.

“Myungsoo hyung, what are you doing?” He asked cautiously.

     Myungsoo lifted an eyebrow, eyes staring straight at Kihyun.

     “What does it look like I’m doing?” Myungsoo snapped back at him and the small vocalist blinked more than once, flustered.

He cleared his throat the same time Myungsoo sighed.

     Myungsoo was always faster than Kihyun.

     “Get dressed. I’m taking you to the others.” He instructed.

The vocalist was perplexed. “Didn’t Shownu hyung tell-“

“That you’re sick, yeah.” Myungsoo cut off, arms falling to his side. “But the photographer wants to wrap everything up by today if you’re feeling up to it. Didn’t Shownu _hyung_ tell you that?”

     Kihyun’s mind picked up the reason why Hyunwoo had texted him and thought the context must’ve came after his reply before he perceived the tone Myungsoo had used when he spoke of Hyunwoo’s name.

     He hated it.

So he showed it.

     “You could just ask nicely.” He reprimanded and the look on Myungsoo’s face wasn’t something unfamiliar. But he wouldn’t back down.

Myungsoo’s eyes narrowed. He huffed, irritated. “I’ve always been nice to you, Kihyun-ah. You just don’t seem to appreciate it.” He said, fingers running through his hair. “Next thing I know, you’re quitting from training. Why?”

     Kihyun bit his lips. He somehow knew it was their leader who had so kindly relayed his intention to the manager. Sometimes, Kihyun thought Hyunwoo was just too nice for his own good.

     “I don’t want the members to worry.”

“It’s been two weeks and they knew all along.” Myungsoo told him with no guilt. “It’s far too late for them to worry, you’re already progressing.”

     Kihyun gulped. “And I think it’s enough, hyung.”

“I think you’re just afraid. With you losing your voice and falling sick in promotion period, I won’t be surprised if you tell me you want to run away.” He sneered, testing Kihyun’s patience.

And to be honest, Kihyun was never the kind to be jabbed in the face and back away.

     “I’m not afraid of anything.” He clearly said. “But I’m not going to jeopardize my group for my own benefits. _That is selfish._ ”

There were a few seconds of silence as Myungsoo stared at him, unmoving.

     Then he snorted. “You sure do learn fast, Kihyun.”

“I’m only returning the favour.” The vocalist let out and sometimes, Kihyun really wished his head was quicker than his tongue. He saw how Myungsoo’s face hardened and he thought he was going to get a beating from the way the older guy tensed up.

     Then,

     “Fine. Since you’re keen on paying back,” He spoke in a low voice before walking around the counter to get to Kihyun, “I’ll let you sleep for the rest of the day.”

Kihyun shook his head in defiance. “I’ll go for the schedule, hyung. Wait for me.” He made to move only to see something flashed by his eyes.

     There was a crack and he felt something collided with his neck, hard.

Kihyun saw nothing no more.

* * *

 

     “Hyung, Kihyun hyung!”

Changkyun’s voice sounded like it came from underwater as Kihyun opened his eyes. He was in the living room, lying on the couch and his headache had unfortunately worsened along with his fever. He couldn’t recall why he was outside instead of sleeping in the room though.

     And Changkyun was still staring down at him.

“What time is it?” The vocalist asked, trying to sit up with his head feeling heavy like steel. He didn’t hear any of the other members’ voices – usually it’d be loud as hell with Jooheon and Minhyuk fighting over the bathroom and Hoseok whining about food – and he noticed that the room was dark.

     It was already night time.

“It’s half past eleven.” Changkyun answered him. “Why are you sleeping outside, hyung?” He asked, his low voice resonating and almost reaching Kihyun’s core. The older guy shivered. He chose to ignore Changkyun’s question.

     “Where are the others?” He inquired instead.

Changkyun nudged his chin towards their room area. “All getting ready for bed.”

     Wow, Kihyun thought, his senses were really messed up that day.

“Hyung,” There was a slight change in Changkyun’s tone and it had Kihyun swiftly looking up at the younger although his head hurt and he hissed in effect, “Is it true that you shouted at our manager?”

     What? “What?” He let out, mouth hanging jaw slacked.

Changkyun sat next to him then, eyes clearer in the pitch-black living room silently begging him to tell the truth.

     “Myungsoo hyung came to get you in the afternoon, didn’t he?” He asked for confirmation.

It brought Kihyun back to when the day was still light and raining and the whole talking with the new manager when something had caused him to black out.

     Or rather someone.

“He knocked me out!” Kihyun exclaimed but then Changkyun shushed him, a finger to his lips. And confusion spread on the maknae’s face.

     “Who?”

“Myungsoo!” Kihyun scream-whispered. “And what’s with the finger?”

     Changkyun glanced sideways at the corridor leading to their room. “Someone’s mad at you.” He informed. “I’ll explain after you tell me what happened with you and Myungsoo hyung.”

So Kihyun told him. He wasn’t going to lie, not to Changkyun. That’d be useless.

     And he wasn’t going to keep silent when someone karate-chopped him in the neck and probably spread misunderstandings among the group.

     Kihyun’s suspicion was never wrong.

Once he’d finished telling the maknae his side of the story, Changkyun told his,

“Myungsoo told us you didn’t want to come, that you were furious when he asked you to. He said you even shouted at him for not realizing you were sick.”

     And the bomb dropped the moment Kihyun put the pieces together; Myungsoo had been telling them lies about him and he had no idea. How did he not see it?

“You said someone’s mad at me.” Kihyun fumbled with the hem of Changkyun’s shirt, dreading to know who it was.

     But Changkyun didn’t get it. “That’s not the main problem here, hyung. Do you know what else Myungsoo hyung had been telling us about you all this while?”

     “And you guys bought it?” Kihyun’s expression was judging.

“Because you acted like it!” The maknae’s pitch went up a notch, face delirious but as fast as it came, it was gone the next moment. “But hyung, you do know that if I totally believed in all the shits he’s been saying about you, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, right?”

Kihyun instinctively nodded his head. Changkyun was too smart to be dealing with this kind of drama, Kihyun inwardly thought.

     “Did you do something to him, hyung?”

Kihyun’s eyes went round but his head analysed the question nonetheless.

     “Not that I could think of.” He honestly said. “It’s been only, like what, three weeks? A month?”

“It took me three minutes to get annoyed with you, Kihyun hyung.”

     The sound of slapping was heard from the dark living room.

Changkyun had one hand rubbing his sore arm. He stared accusingly at the older guy.

     “I need to speak to Shownu hyung.” Kihyun announced and stood up.

     “Ah, hyung… There’s one more thing I need to tell you.” Changkyun hesitantly spoke.

Kihyun turned his head so fast the spot Myungsoo had hit him ached but he pushed it away.

     “He’s not the one mad at me, is he?” He inquired, already fearing the worst. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like if Hyunwoo didn’t side with him. He didn’t want to know as well.

Changkyun shook his head. “No.” He sighed, then locked his gaze with Kihyun’s glazy ones.

     “He’s gone, Kihyun hyung.” He said. “Myungsoo hyung sent him away. Shownu hyung left.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't be mad at me. Stay healthy, Monbebe yeorobun! *kisses


	11. Half The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunwoo was far too experienced to deal with lies and fake assurances. And to think he’d been letting Kihyun get away with it ever since Myungsoo stepped into their dorm the first day they met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh my god... 5 weeks people, 5 weeks since I last updated. What the hell is wrong with me? *facepalm  
> I'm so sorry for the delay, guys. I'm still working on this story, don't worry. Something just had to come up in life and I might've fallen out of the writing style I initially started with this story, some might notice in this update *yikes  
> Anyways, let me know in the comments if it gets better or not, either way I'm up to criticism just keep it bearable. My heart has been fragile ever since I watched Endgame and to think Kihyun's hair is purple in the tour at the mo * O.O  
> Enough rambling and let's get on reading! :)

CHAPTER 11: HALF THE TRUTH

_Earlier that day…_

     Hyunwoo was the first to climb into the van, taking the seat next to the driver as the rest of the group – minus Kihyun – filed in the back. Myungsoo was on the phone when they entered, talking animatedly with someone on the other end looking clearly untroubled. They settled down, half of them taking out their phones and scrolling through news, articles and updates while Hyungwon and Jooheon decided to go back to dreamland even for just a few more minutes.

Hyunwoo watched patiently as Myungsoo ended his call, kept his phone away and flashed the leader a smile.

     “Morning, boys. Let’s work hard today.” Was his regular greeting to them. The response came in mixed mumbled words of different pitches.

Only after driving for half an hour and taking a glimpse through the rear mirror did Myungsoo realize they were short by one.

     “Is it just me or did you guys leave Kihyun behind?” Myungsoo asked as they turned a corner. “He’s not in the car, is he?”

Hyunwoo took a deep breathe, “He’s not, hyung. Kihyun caught a fever so I told him to stay at the dorm and rest.” He stated calmly.

Myungsoo pouted his lips, eyes focused on the traffic. “That means I’m going to have to reschedule everything for him alone.” He said, an edge to his tone.

     Hyunwoo gave him a small smile, his eyes wrinkling due to the action. “Actually, it might’ve been the seafood, hyung. He threw up earlier this morning.” The leader explained.

Myungsoo’s face was a written annoyance. “I did ask him if he could take them and Kihyun said he was willing to try.” He countered. Minhyuk who had been listening leaned forward in his seat just behind the eldest.

     “I think he didn’t expect it as well, Myungsoo hyung. He’d never eaten seafood before, not with us.” Minhyuk justified politely.

Myungsoo’s arms moved as he turned another corner and his face was obscured from the idols. He spoke,

     “Kihyun’s not really the bright one among you all, is he?” He chuckled softly.

Hyunwoo couldn’t see it but he could tell from the way Minhyuk spoke next, he was sporting a scowl,

     “That’s not very nice, Myungsoo hyung.”

The manager swatted his hands limply towards the idols’ direction.

“I’m just joking.” He said, head turning sideways to look at them as they stopped at a red light. “But still, he should learn how to sort things out in his life.”

     Hyunwoo’s eyebrows quirked. “What do you mean, hyung?”

Myungsoo sighed, faking concern. “I…I don’t know if I should tell you guys about it but I think the stress is catching up to Kihyun.” He looked back onto the road and drove as the light turned green. “He’s been saying about giving up singing and feeling tired of practicing.”

And if Hyunwoo hadn’t spent the night – or the early morning – listening to Kihyun wrenching out his gut and hearing probably one of his deepest thoughts, Hyunwoo would still have a hard time believing Myungsoo’s words.

     So he shook his head with a little laugh. “He’s tired, hyung. It’s not the first time this usually happens.”

“Hongshik hyung would normally let him off a few things and take him out to have some fun. Kihyun wouldn’t want to go home because he didn’t want his parents to worry.” Minhyuk kindly chirped in. He didn’t notice how Myungsoo’s grip on the steering tightened and his knuckles were white.

     Hyunwoo breathed in, “Kihyun said he wanted to stop working out for a while, hyung. Let his body and mind recover until he’s well again.” He looked over to the driver seat and totally missed the look that crossed the manager’s face.

     “Then it was probably best to let him rest for the day, don’t you think?” Myungsoo finally said in a low voice after a stretch silence. Hyunwoo gave him a small nod with a hum and the rest of the journey was accompanied by soft snores coming from the back and Hoseok’s little voice singing along to the song he was listening with his earphones on.

     Everything went well for the first half of the day.

Afternoon came and they were all dolled up for their photoshoots, having had a sufficient lunch after all the recordings were done and Hyunwoo’s mind kept bothering him to call Kihyun, wanting to know how he was faring with that fever of his. But Hyunwoo also knew that if the main vocalist was recuperating, then the best thing to do was to focus and finish their schedules so they could go back to the dorm and he could check on the younger guy himself, knowing how Kihyun would probably tell him not to worry and lie about him feeling better on the phone.

     Hyunwoo was far too experienced to deal with lies and fake assurances. And to think he’d been letting Kihyun get away with it ever since Myungsoo stepped into their dorm the first day they met.

     He sighed unknowingly.

     “Shownu-ah.”

Hyunwoo looked up to see the manager walking towards him, one hand holding his phone and looking somehow troubled but there was always that edge of pretence in his actions.

     He tried not to misread them instead.

     “What is it, Myungsoo hyung?” He asked as the older guy came closer.

“Kihyun’s at the dorm, right?” Myungsoo inquired, brows deepening with lines of frown.

     Hyunwoo nodded his head. “Yeah. Why?”

Myungsoo sighed. “I’m going to check on him and see if he’s up to work. Photographer-nim asked for him.” He explained.

It was Hyunwoo’s turned to frown. “But he’s not feeling well, hyung.”

     The manager scratched the side of his head. “I know. But I couldn’t find any other date for a replacement.”

That got Hyunwoo to sigh as well. “It’s okay, hyung. I’ll text Kihyun and let him know you’re coming.” He relented.

     Myungsoo gave him a grateful smile and told him he’d be back in an hour at least.

But it was long after Hyunwoo had completed his part of the photoshoot and Jooheon was wrapping up his few last shots that Myungsoo returned.

     And to Hyunwoo’s surprised, alone.

“Hyung,” he started as the older guy walked towards him, “where’s Kihyun?”

     A regretful look passed Myungsoo’s face at Hyunwoo’s inquiry and he headed straight to the photographer, sending a hand motion to the leader indicating he was to wait for any explanations.

     He didn’t have to wait long.

Myungsoo was back at their waiting area after five minutes and he didn’t look less haggard as Hyunwoo had seen him when he entered the studio. All of them were done with their parts and waiting for the staff to pack up and leave to their next schedule.

Which was their dorm.

     “Hyung, I thought you went out to get Kihyun hyung.” It was Jooheon, sitting in one of the chairs facing the makeup table having his accessories removed.

     “What happened? Is he okay?” That was Minhyuk. Hyunwoo felt himself tensed under the gaze Myungsoo sent them and feared for the worst.

     “Kihyun’s fine.” Myungsoo finally said, rubbing the back of his neck and eyes downcast. “He just didn’t feel up for the schedule.”

     “His fever still high?” Hoseok asked.

“He…” The manager trailed off, one hand treading his hair and face looking even more troubled. “I’ll explain in the car. Are you guys all packed?”

They moved, clearing things out of the studio and keeping their belongings with them as they all climbed into the vehicle with Myungsoo already waiting for them in the driver’s seat.

     “What was it you wanted to tell us, hyung?” Jooheon inquired from the back of the van as they got onto the road.

It took Myungsoo awhile to respond. “Is Kihyun always cranky when he’s under the weather?”

     The leader, sitting next to the driver had his face void of any expression.

     “What do you mean, hyung?” He asked.

“He screamed at me.” Myungsoo plainly stated.

     Hyunwoo’s eyes went round but someone else was faster than him.

     “What?!” Jooehon’s voice took a pitch higher. The maknae sitting beside him had trouble blinking and the rest were still trying to interpret Myungsoo’s words.

     “What did he say, hyung?” The second youngest inquired, dissatisfaction written all over his face as he leaned forward from his seat.

     Myungsoo somewhat scoffed. “That he’s sick and I can’t see it. He said I’m forcing him to work when I asked him nicely. And seeing you guys are shocked about this, I take it that Kihyun’s never acted this way.”

Hoseok shook his head almost as quickly. “No, he’s never.” He confirmed, then frown. “What’s gotten into him?”

     No one saw Changkyun’s lips tightened and he went into staring outside the vehicle, looking uninterested with the conversation.

Myungsoo carried on talking. “I think Kihyun’s still holding grudges against me for telling on him. About the whole training thing.” He spoke.

     “But you’re only trying to help him.” Jooheon countered, feeling mistreated on behalf of their manager. “I’d never thought I’d see the day Kihyun hyung acting so immature.”

“He’s sick, Jooheonie.” Hyunwoo finally stepped in. Somewhere in the back of his mind, something just didn’t quite fit in.

     He could only pray for the van to go faster and they would arrive at the dorm sooner because he needed to see Kihyun.

Myungsoo’s words held nothing of the Kihyun that Hyunwoo knew at all.

     But then,

     “Err…hyung, where are we going?” Hyungwon’s timid and drowsy voice entered the conversation.

Hyunwoo took note of the road they were taking and realized they were on the opposite way to their dorm. His head swivelled around to look at the manager, feeling agitated the further they went from their actual destination.

     “Ahh, about that…” Myungsoo breathed out, “I forgot to inform you guys on a minor change of your schedules.”

He gave Hyunwoo a side glance and a small smile.

     And for the first time, Hyunwoo ignored him.

* * *

 

Apparently, they were scheduled for a variety show which had been planned last minute from what Kihyun had found out from the maknae. Changkyun had also kindly left out the part where it was Hyunwoo, Hoseok and Minhyuk that had went for the recording right after their photoshoots, with the remaining members sent home to rest and accompanied their ill vocalist, or so they were told. Kihyun highly suspected that Myungsoo had done it on purpose, seeing as how he was able to reach out to the leader and having his best friend back him up as well.

     Myungsoo was trying to make him defenceless.

But the recollection of how the older guy had so subtly laid hands on Kihyun only served to motivate the idol to retaliate even more.

     He wasn’t going to back down from just one fight – Kihyun wasn’t fragile that way.

The variety show recording was set for three days and Kihyun knew the manager would not be able to keep him away from the group for too long, although a small voice in his head told him the older guy hadn’t need that much time to stain his image among the members.

     He pushed the thought away as hard as he could.

Kihyun had also unfortunately figured out the one member that was avoiding his presence in the dorm and giving him cold shoulders.

     Joohoen wasn’t really the kind to hide his feelings, he’d rather show them and vocalize his emotions to the group most of the time because that was just how he was. However, under the prospect that had nothing to do with the absence of their three eldest members, the older rapper had chosen to totally ignore Kihyun for reasons Changkyun had failed to explain.

     He had never wanted to hit someone so bad. Lucky for him, Myungsoo had willingly brought himself to the dorm the very next morning after sending off half the team away from Kihyun. The man had some serious explanations to give and Kihyun’s patience were thinning. So the moment Myungsoo stepped inside their dorm, Kihyun was on full-attack mode.

     “Do you have a problem with me, hyung?” He voiced out while Myungsoo was taking off his shoes. The older guy gave him a perplexed look before taking in his surroundings. The lack of noise coming from inside the dorm meant that the other occupants, the ones left behind were still fast asleep.

It was barely eight in the morning and Kihyun had never felt so overslept as he was right then. And the smirk Myungsoo gave him intensified his senses. The manager walked across the room and let himself plopped down on the couch, giving it a slight pat on the cushion before looking up to face the main vocalist with a knowing look.

     “Had a good sleep?” Myungsoo prompted with a sly smile.

“I can sue you for that.” Kihyun gritted out with malice. He was standing near the kitchen, one hand gripping the side of the counter as his knuckles turned white. “What is it that you want with me?”

The manager rolled his eyes. “On what evidence do you think you can sue me?” He stared at the main vocalist. “I’ve always told you not to be full of yourself, _Kihyun-ssi_. Not everything is about you.” He sneered.

     Kihyun sent him a glare. “Stop the act, Myungsoo hyung.” He said, voice hardened. “I know you’ve been badmouthing me behind my back to the members. Why’d you do that for?”

Myungsoo’s eyes narrowed. “How did you find out?” He questioned.

Something told Kihyun not to answer but there was no way to stop his next words as the letters rolled off his tongue with ease,

     “Our Changkyunnie.”

“Ahh…” Myungsoo sighed, looking bored all of a sudden. “I should’ve known the maknae was smarter than he looked.”

     “Why did you do that, hyung? Why me?”

“Why do you think?”

     “Have I done something wrong to you?” Kihyun asked, desperate for clearance that didn’t seem to come any time soon as Myungsoo picked on his nails.

     “Even if I tell you,” Myungsoo drawled out, “there’s a high probability that you don’t remember, Kihyun-ah. Not with that size of a head you got.”

The chuckles that followed burned something in Kihyun as he felt blood rushed to his cheek.

     “Try me.” He bravely said.

Myungsoo watched him with pointed eyes, scrutinizing him from head to toe as he stood his ground, not knowing where the courage had come from but nevertheless grateful for it.

     The older guy sighed. “You don’t get to decide, Kihyun. This is my game.”

     “I don’t want to be in your game!” The idol let out exasperatedly.

     “Hmmm…” Myungsoo clicked his tongue. “Then there’s no choice but to replace you with someone else. Someone who doesn’t speak when he’s told not to, someone who listens.” He said in a low voice. The tone he used sent shivers running down Kihyun’s spine.

“Someone who knows.” He finished and Kihyun found it hard to breathe all of a sudden. The constricted feeling only grew when Myungsoo spoke,

     “What was it again? _Our Changkyunnie_?”

The heavy weight that dropped on Kihyun invincibly forced him to gulp down whatever courage he had brought on and he felt underwater.

     He wasn’t stupid and damn for his head to connect the dots way too fast before he got to think of other possibilities. But the situation was too conceding that a way out seemed too bleak and giving in was virtue.

Kihyun finally understood why Myungsoo had sent the older members away from them.    

“No…” He barely said, eyes feeling the rage coming from Myungsoo’s outline and Kihyun held back his tears. “I won’t let you.”

     The manager got up from the couch and strolled over to where Kihyun was standing frozen on the spot. He leaned down so their faces were side to side before speaking slowly,

     “I’d like to see you try.” He made to move, his upper half already facing towards the corridor leading to their room when Kihyun did the one thing he’d least expected.

     He grabbed Myungsoo by the arm.

And with that the vocalist’s resolute dissolved. Because there was no way he would let anyone else take his place for him. Not when he knew how it hurt and Myungsoo towered over him with power overbearing.

     “Please…” He softly said. “Not him.” Not any of them.

Myungsoo eyed the small hand holding his arm and unknowingly smirked. How weak, he internally mused.

     “Are you sure?” He inquired with a fake concern lacing his words. “Didn’t you want out of the game?”

Kihyun’s hair fell into his eyes as he shook his head almost violently. Letting go of Myungsoo’s limb, he took a staggering breathe and kept his head down.

     “I’ll play,” he weakly said, “but don’t involve anyone else.”

A triumphed smile crossed Myungsoo’s face almost habitually.

     “Then you better start listening to me and less to others. Do you understand?”

     A beat. Silence.

Defeated.

     Kihyun nodded his head slowly.

He didn’t let himself cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a nice day, peeps <3


	12. Half The Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sudden revelation Myungsoo gave him was nothing he ever expected. The words that came out from the manager’s mouth were most of the time deceit and Kihyun knew that very well but for some reason, he knew he wasn’t lying then.  
> And to perceive such information, even with a clear mind would take effort. And Kihyun’s mind was to the point of exhaustion. He could barely form sentences, reasonings in his head and the only thing he could think of was how his throat seemed to close on its own and there was nothing he could say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okayyy... So I'm probably the worst in updating *yikes  
> So sorry, my dear readers. I had some trouble writing this part because I didn't really like the way it turned out. Still don't actually but this was the best I could do to not keep you guys waiting so I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.  
> Happy reading and have a nice day! *kisses

CHAPTER 12: HALF THE LIES

No one would’ve thought that three days was sufficient enough to break a soul and let it fall apart.

     Three days was all it takes for the bravery to concede and went into hiding as the real demon took over, claiming its throne and overthrowing the balance in life. Once the comfort felt too familiar, something new would usually follow - something different; foreign. And poor Kihyun never imagined that things would take a nasty turn because there wasn’t a time where he’d foresee himself being the subject of a manipulative being, succumbing to every word that was spattered at him and taking them blow by blow.

     He’d kept believing, telling himself that it was for the better. Yes, it was better this way because among all the other members of Monsta X – including some of his hyungs – Kihyun acknowledged his image as the strong-minded one. He wasn’t the type to break easily and he held his ground just fine in arguments among the rest of the group.

     But he forgot; Myungsoo was not a part of Monsta X. He’d never eaten with the guy, sleep or hangout or even _train_ with him and the motives stayed as mysteries. Myungsoo told him that he wouldn’t remember and the frustration only grew within Kihyun because there was no way he had ever met the guy before – he would have recognized him when they first met. That’s how good Kihyun was with faces. So the other option to ponder on would be that Myungsoo was lying to him.

     And the next question that followed was, why him? And sometimes, when Kihyun’s head got too clouded and his eyes were blurry for having stared at his own reflection for too long he didn’t realize tears started flowing down his face, the question would turn this way – why not him?

     In the beginning, it wasn’t difficult for him to push away those kinds of thoughts. Kihyun was strong-minded after all but then he started to wonder why it was so easy for him to break down lately. How his eyes never listened to him nowadays and his cry seemed so cheap on his tired pale face. The prominent cheekbones only added to his self-pity and his eyes had sunken like he had not slept at all.

Maybe he hadn’t.

     Because as time passed by eating away the edges of a brittle heart, one would come to realize that words worked miracle. In Kihyun’s case, they were poisonous and destructing all in one. And the effects came in self-doubt and lost of confidence, leading to distancing from other people and keeping to themselves.

     It was like living in a bubble; solid yet fragile.

“Are you dreaming again?”

Myungsoo’s voice pulled him awake. It always did; it’d been the only other voice Kihyun had listened for the past three days, apart from his own.

     He let out a sigh as it echoed through the microphone, the headphone on his head suddenly felt suffocating and the notes splayed out for his eyes seemed irrelevant at the moment.

     Kihyun was just damn tired.

“Kihyun-ssi?”

     Myungsoo’s face stared back at him from the other side of the room, the only thing separating them was the clear glass of the recording room. The vocalist’s gaze was low but he shook his head and gave a sign to the manager.

     The music blared through his senses once again.

And he sang.

Because that was exactly what he had told Hyunwoo.

     He’ll keep singing.

“I think that should be it.” The producer announced when the song ended and Kihyun heard him complementing his hard work, returning it with a deep bow and smiling tiredly at whoever was watching him.

     Things had been a blur for the past three days. Even then, Kihyun’s mind was only partially aware that he had stepped out from the recording room and thanking everyone by bowing – choosing not to use his voice after having to sing for the last few hours – before following Myungsoo’s figure as they left the building.

     There was never a conversation between them, at least not a decent one where Myungsoo wasn’t giving him negative thoughts and Kihyun would just swallow it down for the sake of his members. The ride was usually filled with Myungsoo turning on the radio and humming softly with the tune while Kihyun stared blankly at the road. He would not speak unless he was spoken to and he didn’t mind the ignorance.

Kihyun wondered if the older guy knew how much he was indulging on the serenity. But then there was always a first, and it seemed to be a loyal companion of Myungsoo’s presence.

     “Your hyungs are coming back today.” The manager muttered from the driver’s seat.

Kihyun’s first thought was, ‘are you going to send me away then?’ but he kept his mouth shut. The resonance of Myungsoo’s voice saying their maknae’s name remained as a reminder to him.

     “Don’t think I can’t do it to them. Or when they’re around.” The threat in the statement was evident enough for Kihyun to recline in his seat. He didn’t dare look at the manager’s way, knowing it could be considered as an act of defiance when he’d so patiently kept himself in line for the past few days.

     He’d obeyed the guy like it was nothing.

Like it didn’t hurt him at all.

     In fact, it didn’t.

It only made him tired.

     “Hyung,” Kihyun started, “can I ask you a question?”

The small smirked on Myungsoo’s face did not go unnoticed.

     “Ask away.”

Kihyun took a deep breath. “Have we met before?”

There was a pregnant pause as the inquiry hung in the air, floating between the only occupants in the vehicle.

     “No.” Myungsoo finally said. “We’ve never met before.”

“Did I do something to you? Did I ever anger you?” Kihyun asked further.

Myungsoo sighed. “You said a question. That’s more than one.”

“Why, hyung? Why are you doing this to me?” interrupted Kihyun. He somehow felt like if there was the right time for him to find out for answers to the questions he’d been wanting to ask out loud, that time would be then.

     “You hurt someone I knew.” Myungsoo said in a low voice, staring straight ahead at the road. “Someone I cared for so much. And now he’s gone.”

The sudden revelation Myungsoo gave him was nothing he ever expected. The words that came out from the manager’s mouth were most of the time deceit and Kihyun knew that very well but for some reason, he knew he wasn’t lying then.

     And to perceive such information, even with a clear mind would take effort. And Kihyun’s mind was to the point of exhaustion. He could barely form sentences, reasonings in his head and the only thing he could think of was how his throat seemed to close on its own and there was nothing he could say.

And Myungsoo kept on talking.

     “He was such a good kid. His dream was to become an idol because he loved to sing. But he never got the chance. Someone took it from him. And that person was you, Yoo Kihyun.”

As the information settled in Kihyun’s lag consciousness, he found the strength to part his lips.

     “ _Was_?”

     Myungsoo sent him a glance. His jaw was tight when he spoke next and it seemed to take everything in him as he said,

     “He’s dead.” A beat of silence.

“He took his own life because of you.”

Dread, fear and denial encompassed Kihyun’s form like a soft blanket. He could feel himself shaking in his seat and his palms were damped as he fisted them. The sharp edges of his nails as they cut his skin could not assure him of clarity and he felt himself sinking if it weren’t for Myungsoo’s voice.

     Ironic isn’t it, how the ones you hated the most became your anchor in distress?

But then how do you react after knowing someone killed themselves because of you?

     “He was a trainee as well, Yoo Kihyun. And that’s exactly why I said you won’t remember. Because trainees are insignificant if they don’t debut.”

     Kihyun shook his head and his vision went glassy. He couldn’t speak – out of fear and out of pain – and he felt like the air was thinning and he struggled to breathe.

The next second he realized he was crying.

     “I wouldn’t want you to remember him anyway,” Myungsoo carried on, a slight choke in his words as he gripped the steering wheel tighter, “you’re not worth his life.”

* * *

Changkyun tapped his fingers on the wooden surface of the computer table, staring patiently at the screen as the application loaded on the monitor. He’d been sitting on the chair ever since he woke up, playing games after games for god knew how long and his feet was starting to feel numb as his legs were crossed. He was perfectly dressed, of course.

A shuffling sound came from his side and he turned around to look at Jooheon’s feet dangling over the edge of the empty bedframe they’d kept in the gaming room. He hadn’t realized how long the other rapper had been lounging by the side nor was he surprised.

      It was almost 7 in the evening and Hyungwoon was yet to be seen lurking around in the dorm. Changkyun, or any of them, would’ve found it weird to see the tall guy removed himself from his bed on a no-schedule day unless he had plans with people outside of Monsta X.

     And that was something which rarely happened.

“I’m seeing food, Kyunnie.” Jooheon rasped from his spot, eyes locked on his phone as he busily scrolled through pictures of food.

     They hadn’t had a proper meal for the day.

The maknae hummed a respond. “I wonder if Kihyun hyung’s done with his recording.”

     Changkyun’s mind travelled back to the past three days which passed by uneventfully. The lack of time with their main vocalist and having separate schedules – the three of them currently at the dorm only had one photoshoot to attend to the day before – made him felt somewhat melancholic. The reason being they were rarely placed in different settings, always a group of seven moving in the same tempo and the restriction to contact the older members only added to his loneliness.

Not to mention the subtle change in the other rapper’s behaviour that Changkyun had not missed whenever there was a mention of their main vocalist. They hadn’t seen him these few days, in fact the three of them had been the only ones seemingly occupying the dorm. Changkyun hadn’t talk to Kihyun from the night he confronted him about Myungsoo and they’d went to bed with plans all laid out to get the manager to confess of his motives when the maknae found out that the vocalist was already on his schedule the next morning.

     There was no sign that Kihyun had addressed the issue to Myungsoo though the older guy wasn’t spreading lies regarding the main vocalist any longer as well. In fact, Myungsoo only mentioned Kihyun’s name when the latter’s whereabout was inquired. It almost felt like everything was normal again.

     And Changkyun really wanted to believe it.

But the lack of Kihyun’s appearance in the dorm prevented him from doing so. Because he’d knew nothing was accidental ever since Myungsoo arrived in their circle.

     The guy was definitely hiding something from all of them.

And when the maknae glanced at the honey-like guy, he found himself despising the manager even more.

     “Hyung.” He called.

Jooheon didn’t turn.

     “Hoonie hyungggg…” He drawled out, turning around in his chair and stretching his arms above his head.

“What?” The older growled, still focused on his phone.

Changkyun waited for a few seconds until Jooheon’s gaze was fixed on him.

     He took a deep breath. Then sighed.

“Are you still mad at Kihyun hyung?”

     Jooheon’s screen turned dark as he locked his phone.

     “When was I mad at him?”

Changkyun gave him a look. “When was the last time you talked to him?”

Jooheon straightened up, frowning. “The night before he got sick.” He answered, after thinking.

     “And?” prompted Changkyun.

The older guy blinked at him. “And?”

“That was three days ago, hyung.”

     “Have you seen him around the dorm, Kyunnie?” Jooheon questioned the maknae.

Changkyun shook his head. “No.” He sighed. “I hadn’t talked to him for the past few days as well.” confessed Changkyun.

       Jooheon narrowed his eyes at him. “You were trying to make me look like the bad guy.”

“I wasn’t!” exclaimed the youngest, eyes going round at Jooheon’s statement. “I really thought you were angry with Kihyun hyung from the way you acted after we returned to the dorm.”

     Changkyun’s mind travelled back to the night after they’ve sent away their three eldest hyungs to the airport for their supposedly last-minute replacement schedule. They’d entered the dorm in peace, the remaining three of them with the tallest leading the way when Changkyun caught sight of their main vocalist passed out on the living room’s couch.

     He’d voiced out, “Why is Kihyun hyung sleeping outside?”

It was mainly for the other rapper to hear since Hyungwon was already making a beeline straight for his bed and ignoring everything else around him. But the only response Changkyun received was a small grunt and an annoyed look crossing Jooheon’s face.

     And he honestly thought it had something to do with Myungsoo’s talk from before.

Jooheon sighed from his spot. “I was. Maybe, a little bit.” He said hesitantly.

     Changkyun’s game was long abandoned as he turned around in his chair and faced the older guy. He had a look on his face that made Jooheon cowered from his seat.

     “I was tired, okay! I mean all of us was tired and when Myungsoo hyung said something like that, I just snapped.” He hurriedly explained.

     “Hyung, do you actually think that Kihyun hyung would say what Myungsoo hyung told us?” Changkyun inquired.

     Jooheon’s eyebrows furrowed as he took a second to think. “I don’t know. I wasn’t there when he said it.” said the older rapper, almost innocently.

     Changkyun blinked at him. “But you still think Kihyun hyung would say something like that, to us?”

     “No.” Came the short curt answer. Then Jooheon carried on,

“But he’s been acting weird lately. And besides, Myungsoo hyung won’t lie to us, right?”

That was something Changkyun couldn’t give his verdict on. Because as much as he doubted the new manager, he wasn’t going to spread it to the rest of the groups. It could’ve just been him misreading the lines.

     Otherwise, the whole group would’ve noticed it too by then.

Or Myungsoo was just too good of an actor to his own play.

     “So you’re not angry at Kihyun hyung?” Changkyun confirmed.

Jooheon shook his head and smiled at him, his dimples showing.

The maknae sighed quietly.

     And at the same time, the front door opened.

     “Kids, I’m home!”

Minhyuk’s voice hollered from the living room, resonating throughout the dorm and no doubt reaching Hyungwon in his dream. The two rappers went out to meet their hyungs, both smiling at the sight that greeted them.

     They were still taking off their shoes when Hoseok asked,

     “Where’s Hyu-“

“Still asleep.” Minhyuk cut him off with a side jab. “Who do you think you’re asking about?”

     The two youngest smirked at him as Hoseok pouted.

“Where’s Kihyun?” Hyunwoo’s voice echoed through the space.

     “Didn’t he come back with you guys?” asked Changkyun, perplexed.

“No.” Minhyuk answered him. “We were from the airport.” He stated.

Changkyun frowned. “Myungsoo hyung didn’t fetch you?”

     Hoseok shook his head. “It was another hyung.” He told them.

“Does he-“

There was a thud at the door and all head turned to the sound.

     “What was that?” It was Jooheon.

Minhyuk moved, having only removed one of his shoes as he opened the front door.

     The others watched as his eyes widened.

     “Kihyun-ah.”

From where Changkyun was standing, he couldn’t see the other side of the door but the way his hyung went rigid and his body tensed in a beat he knew, something was wrong.

     He had only perceived that information when a figure walked in through the front door and Changkyun found himself frozen as well.

     There standing in front of them was their main vocalist; eyes red skin pale hair limp and shoulders slumped. His hands were trembling by his side and Changkyun thought he saw Kihyun swayed on his spot.  

“Kihyunnie,” Minhyuk called softly, “what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

     Minhyuk’s question took them by storm and the next thing that followed was like witnessing a dam break free.

Kihyun’s form shook violently as he stood, his head hung low and the noise he made reminded the maknae of a wounded animal.

     Kihyun sounded like he’d been hurt. And Changkyun felt a part of him torn in agony as he watched Kihyun’s tears fell free.

Minhyuk wasted no time as he grabbed Kihyun and pulled him into a hug, one hand rubbing the back of his head and the other still holding him tight. Changkyun swore he’d never seen the veins on Minhyuk’s arms till that day.

     One moment they were standing and then the next Kihyun’s legs gave way. The two slumped to the floor with Minhyuk’s hold still secure around their main vocalist and his eyes seeking for help from the rest of them.

     No one knew what to do or how to react.

And Changkyun most definitely didn’t know what would happen next.

     But he was sure of one thing; Myungsoo had caused this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me your thoughts and comments <3


	13. Unlucky Is You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What would they say if they found out? Would they hate him? Would he really truly be selfish then?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yeayyy an update! Finally! Thanks for all the comments and kudos, dear readers. On a side note, I made a minor change in the previous chapter regarding the time frame. It's okay if you don't reread it, basically I just changed the time from morning to evening. I got messed up when writing this chapter and I only realized it when I was half way done *yikes  
> Anyways, carry on reading and have a nice day :)

CHAPTER 13: UNLUCKY IS YOU

     “Is he asleep?”

The air was heavy; Hoseok’s inquiry only added to its suffocating silence as the remnants of evening glow slipped through the curtain in the living room, giving them a silver tint reflecting their current mood. Night had fallen without them realizing it.

     Hyunwoo studied his members one by one, each face having a distinct emotion written out – confused, perplexed, worried – apart from Hyungwon’s who was still in a daze as he’d only woken a few moments ago. And he knew they all had that one question in their mind; what happened?

Rewinding back to half an hour ago when they had all watched in shock as Kihyun broke down in Minhyuk’s hold, hearing nothing but his strangled cry muffled by the latter’s clothes and feeling the time ticked slower than ever until the sobbing went down and turned soft, leaving almost no evidence behind if it weren’t for the trails on Kihyun’s pale face, too tired and were then asleep.

     Hyunwoo took it to his measure as he carefully picked the main vocalist up – one arm under the crook of Kihyun’s knees and the other gently on his back, half registering the grateful look Minhyuk gave him when he felt the lack of weight in his grasp and he stared at the smaller guy a beat longer.

     The dark circles under his tightly shut eyes were the least of his worries when Hyunwoo openly ruminated Kihyun’s face and he couldn’t remember seeing him looking ashen and were those cheeks always so sharp three days ago? He would’ve gone on if it weren’t for the still gleaming tear tracks running down those said cheeks and the tinge of reddish-pink on the tip of Kihyun’s nose, indicating he’d been crying for who knew how long.

Hyunwoo tucked Kihyun in his bed instead – he couldn’t carry Kihyun up to his upper bunk even if he wanted to, he wasn’t strong like that – and the sight that greeted him left a bitter taste in his wake. He’d left three days ago with similar image – Kihyun sleeping in his bed and was then haunted with fever. He wasn’t at the moment and yet the main vocalist looked worse. Hyunwoo struggled to find the word to describe it but he knew the clenching in his chest was trying to tell him something.

     He left the room, fully aware that no one had come or followed him because they were all waiting in the living room. The first to speak was Hoseok, all frown and serious as he inquired on the main vocalist.

     “Is he asleep?” He’d asked.

Hyunwoo managed a tired nod as he took his place next to Changkyun on the couch, slumping down on the cushion only to let out a heavy sigh.

     “What was that?” Minhyuk’s voice was soft, barely a whisper but they all heard him. He sat on the floor, along with the other rapper and their tallest member who wasn’t, for the first time, struggling to keep his eyes opened. He’d climbed out of his bed hearing ruckus coming from outside his room only to see Minhyuk holding Kihyun in a death grip.

     Hyungwon had never seen him cried that hard before.

“What happened?” He croaked out next, voice still hoarse from sleep and he let himself leaned on Jooheon who didn’t seem to mind the contact.

     “We just got here when Ki…” Hoseok trailed off, eyes staring into nothing but seeing and they knew what it was. No one finished him though, all deep in thoughts and making theories that didn’t seem to fit into place.

It was awhile until one of them spoke again.

     “You’re quiet.”

Hyunwoo was looking at the maknae beside him, and true to his statement, Changkyun had said nothing ever since Kihyun returned and it was worrying to say the least. The last thing Hyunwoo needed was another member to go down under and being affected by it.

     God, he’d only left for three days.

“Changkyunnie,” Minhyuk prodded the youngest’ feet on the floor, “do you know what happened to Kihyun?”

     “We don’t, hyung.” Jooheon answered him instead, eyes glazing concern. “Me and Kyun had been in the dorm this entire day waiting for you guys and Hyungwon was in bed the whole time. In fact, we hadn’t seen Kihyun hyung since the day before yesterday.”

     Hyunwoo felt himself went rigid. He saw Hoseok’s frame tensed under the kitchen light as he straightened up from the counter.

     “You mean he hasn’t been around?” asked Hoseok, oblivious.

Jooheon nodded his head. “We had separate schedules.”

     “Myungsoo hyung took him for a few solo recordings. The three of us had only one photoshoot yesterday.” Hyungwon chimed in.

“But he must’ve come back to the dorm.” Minhyuk retorted, frowning even more. “Otherwise where did he sleep and wash up?”

     And the realization came rushing to Hyunwoo as Minhyuk’s words sunk in along with the sight of Kihyun’s face.

     “He hadn’t been sleeping.” Hyunwoo concluded softly.

“He was supposed to return with Myungsoo hyung earlier today but they never showed up. And then hyung came back.” Jooheon picked at the hem of his shirt, recollecting the afternoon as he waited for the vocalist and the manager to return with their meals.

     And the hunger he felt was long gone at the echo of Kihyun’s cry.

     “I’m calling Myungsoo hyung.” announced the leader. He got up straight off the couch and sauntered to the front door, phone clutched firm in his hand as he let the door closed behind him, leaving the group to watch his retreating back in conflicted silence.

     Back inside the dorm, Changkyun was having an internal fight with himself.

     “I think Myungsoo hyung did this.” He carefully said.

There was some shuffling next to him and the couch dipped as Hoseok sat down. “What was that, Changkyunnie?” He hurriedly asked.

     Changkyun took a deep breath. “Myungsoo hyung,” he spoke, “he caused this.”

     The rest of them were stunned. Slowly, their expressions changed from worried to confused. Questions were tripping over one another as they searched for the right one to vocalize.

Minhyuk got it first.

     “What do you know that we don’t, Changkyun-ah?”

The maknae sighed heavily, his breath staggering with the choices of words needed to be said out loud.

     He chose to speak the truth.

“I found out Myungsoo hyung had been lying to us about Kihyun hyung. All the stuff about wanting to stop singing and shouting at him, that’s just Myungsoo’s words.” The absence in honorific as Changkyun spoke was a sign of retaliation and they were old enough to understand it.

     But not everyone could get the message right away.

“You mean Myungsoo hyung lied to us?” Jooheon asked, bewildered. Then he quickly shook his head. “I don’t see the reason why he would do something like that. And of all people, to Kihyun hyung.”

     Changkyun was getting frustrated as well. “That’s what we had been thinking, me and Kihyun hyung. But he said he’d done nothing to Myungsoo.”

     “Wait,” Hyungwon backtracked, “when did you talk to Kihyun about this?” His eyes were narrowed and Changkyun just wished they were all getting his side of the story.

     They didn’t need more confusion to settle in between them.

“Three nights ago.” confessed the maknae.

Four pair of eyes widened at his words.

     “Why didn’t you tell us about it?” Jooheon questioned, still looking sceptical and unsure. Hyungwon simply blinked at him, waiting for his response.

     “Because he was the only one to have caught up on Myungsoo hyung’s act.” A voice said.

     Minhyuk sent him a look to which Changkyun deciphered as affectionate coming from the older guy. He was grateful for the shared sentiment. He really did.

Minhyuk stared on the floor, “and Kyunnie wasn’t going to make us hate our manager, right?”

     There was a beat of silence.

     Until,

     “I would’ve, sooner, if I knew it would turn into this.” He stared forlornly at their rooms, the dimly lit corridor leading to where their main vocalist was then asleep.

“Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?” Hoseok suddenly asked, looking around at his group members.

     Hyungwon shook his head in deft.

     “If what Changkyunnie said was true, then Myungsoo hyung must’ve done something to make Ki very upset.” He stated.

“But what?” Hyungwon inquired.

     “There must be a reason why he suddenly sent us to separate schedules.” Minhyuk mused, always the quick one. The others could practically see his mind connecting dots into wires and translating them into Minhyuk’s own words.

     Jooheon hummed in disapproval. “But we don’t know that, hyung.” He got up from the floor then and crossed his arms. “This could all just be a misunderstanding.”

     “Jooheonie hyung…” Changkyun prodded, but was unsure of how to approach his brother who was still in the dark.

     And Changkyun knew if there was a reason why Myungsoo had always been so nice to the older rapper and giving him special treatments, this was it.

     “Look,” Jooheon spoke in a serious tone, “we know nothing right now. This is all based on speculations. We haven’t seen Kihyun hyung in _three days_. The only way we’re finding out the truth is when Kihyun hyung wakes up.”

Hoseok sighed then, partly agreeing with the younger guy but Changkyun had that look on his face that spelled out dissatisfaction. Jooheon saw right through him.

     “I just don’t want anyone else to get hurt.” Jooheon said and their conversation ended as Hyunwoo walked back into the dorm with a frown on his face.

     “Shownu hyung.” Jooheon called as the leader joined them in the living room but he didn’t resume his spot on the couch. He stayed standing facing them.

     “I spoke to Myungsoo hyung. He said he sent Kihyun back here after lunch.” Hyunwoo told them.

“Huh?” Minhyuk exclaimed.

     “What?” Changkyun let out.

The leader carried on, “Kihyun should’ve returned way earlier than we did. I confirmed this with another staff from the company because I know Myungsoo hyung could be lying.”

     The shared look of surprised from the rest of them were comical if it weren’t for the situation.

“Myungsoo hyung did drop Kihyun off at the dorm before he left to his own personal matter and that was hours ago.” Hyunwoo explained. “Kihyun went somewhere else before coming back here. And he didn’t tell anyone.”

     “What did you talk with our manager?” Hoseok inquired before Jooheon walked over to their leader and grabbed him by his arm.

     “Hyung,” he swallowed, eyes searching, “what do you mean with Myungsoo hyung lying?”

     “You knew about it?” Minhyuk asked in confirmation.

Hyunwoo shrugged. “Just suspicious. Because Kihyun wouldn’t do something to hurt himself or others around him. And Changkyunnie here just confirmed it.” He said matter-of-factly.

     “You were listening?” Hoseok tilted his head, staring up at the leader, amazed and slightly freaked out as well.

     “Only part of it.” He confessed. “Anyway, Myungsoo hyung didn’t share with me anything that might give us a clue on what happened with Ki. It was more like he avoided my questions and instead told me that he’s on a leave for the next two days.”

“Huh.” It was Changkyun. “What a coincidence.”

     It was an act in their eyes, for those who weren’t fooled anymore by their new manager. As if it was a proclamation; the damage was already done.

     Hyunwoo nodded his head. “I thought so too.”

“I guess we’ll just have to wait until Kihyun wakes up.” Minhyuk told them, face showing defeat at the whole ordeal as the fatigue finally hit him, all washed up from the previous adrenaline.

     “That’s the best for now.” Hoseok agreed.

Hyunwoo took charged then.

     “Get cleaned up and rest well. We’ll have tomorrow to deal with and we need clear heads.” They listened to the leader. But somehow, with the lack of nagging usually ensued after Hyunwoo’s instructions made the dorm even more hollow.

     Not one of them skipped the middle room that night, taking turns to stick their head in the doorway and checking the small vocalist on their leader’s bed.

Changkyun watched them with a slight ease, feeling lighter after sharing his part with his hyungs only to see Hyunwoo still standing in the living room.

     “Hyung, aren’t you going to bed?”

Hyunwoo hummed in response. “I will.” He said, smiling slightly.

     “But I’m going to make a phone call first.”

* * *

It was exactly two-thirty in the afternoon when Kihyun stepped out from the car and stood outside Monsta X’s dorm building. Myungsoo drove off without saying anything to him and Kihyun never thought that it’d feel worse with the absence of spite coming from the older guy. He’d gotten used to those negative words, playing love and hate relationships in his head that the silence Myungsoo gave him felt like a punch to his gut.

     What was there more to say? Kihyun thought internally. He’d asked and received the answer he wanted. He should’ve seen it coming. But then the small voice in his mind kept hoping that Myungsoo was lying to him, that it was all an act and he’d been doing it just to screw with him even more.

     So Kihyun decided to confirm it on his own.

His legs moved on their own, turning away from the dorm and instead heading back to where he’d came from. He wasn’t thinking straight - that was something Kihyun was perfectly aware of – yet he carried on his journey to Starship building by foot. It took him almost an hour to reach the main entrance and he ignored the grumbling coming from inside him. His last meal was yesterday lunch but nothing was telling him that he should feel hungry by then.

     As he took the elevator to get to their administration level, Kihyun dully noted the logic that he should’ve called Hongshik hyung - _their manager_ \- and asked regarding Myungsoo. Hongshik would know since the guy was taking over his job for several months. But the other half of Kihyun told him not to disturb the manager on his vacation.

     He thought he had it all figured out.

“Yoo Kihyun-ssi?” The person at the front desk of the administration office addressed him with barely a smile and Kihyun wondered what had been going around about him that he knew nothing of.

     He greeted the lady, giving half a beam and went straight to his intention.

     “I need to ask a few things regarding Park Myungsoo-ssi.”

The lady blinked funnily at him.

     The next few hours, Kihyun found himself sitting right outside the company’s building on one of the benches near the sidewalk. The lady had been a generous help and if it wasn’t for the revelation of their current manager’s information that Kihyun had dreaded for, the idol would’ve bought a gift for her.

     Instead he sat alone in the retreating afternoon, head down with a mask on but he doubted anyone would recognize him, not in the state he was in. The lady’s words played in his mind for the umpteenth time like a broken record.

     _“Park Myungsoo actually applied for the part, having some experiences working with idols before and he had a little brother who was our trainee as well so he knows how our company works.”_

_“What about his brother? Is he still training?”_

_“No. He pulled out a few weeks before you guys debuted. Said it was financial problem. There were rumours saying he was depressed and couldn’t take the pressure.”_

_“What was his name?”_

_“Myungjin. Park Myungjin. You guys trained together, don’t you remember?”_

It never rang a bell in Kihyun’s mind and to think that he’d crossed path with Myungsoo’s younger brother was doing things to Kihyun’s conscience. For once, he felt like a bad person.

     And as it had come to that point, Kihyun didn’t further doubt what Myungsoo had told him.

     The tears finally flowed then.

It was when his shadow shifted and the orange glow of sunset entered his vision did Kihyun walk back to the dorm, his steps feeling light and heavy at the same time.

     He didn’t saw the van that dropped off three older members of Monsta X pulled away the moment he got to the compound. He barely heard the voices talking and laughing above him as he climbed the stairs to their floor. Heck, he couldn’t even feel anything at that point.

     That was why when he’d bumped into the dorm’s front door and having it opened from the inside, Kihyun was shocked. And it brought a kind of consciousness back into him, like being pulled after submerging his head in the water for so long.

     Except he’d been breathing the whole time.

“Kihyun-ah.”

Minhyuk’s voice. It was the way his name sounded, the look on his friend’s face and the feeling in Kihyun’s chest doubled it made him held nothing back.

     He recalled breaking down right there and then before solid arms enveloped him with warmth, he’d forgotten how it actually felt, allowing himself this one consolation he knew he didn’t deserve.

     What would they say if they found out? Would they hate him? Would he really truly be selfish then?

He felt himself falling down and not once did Minhyuk’s hold on him faltered as they slumped to the floor, his cry turning erratic and hideous in his own ears. He couldn’t hold it back; he was too far gone to be in control again.

     And Kihyun woke up next in a beat, eyes staring straight at his own bed above him. The first thing he felt was the sharp ache coming from his middle, too sore from having no food ingested for more than twenty-four hours. Belatedly, he realized he hadn’t been in his bed for quite a few days. The heaviness adorning his lids were like anchors, bearing down for him to go back to sleep. But then he turned his head to the side and the leader materialized beside him.

     Hyunwoo was sleeping, his breathing evened out and his body curled facing Kihyun. Thinking how the older guy must felt uncomfortable in that position, Kihyun chose to climbed off the bed and went up to his instead, ignoring his body screaming in protest. His moves were sluggish and Hyunwoo must’ve been exhausted that it didn’t wake him up.

     Once his head touched his pillow, Kihyun found himself unable to close his eyes. His mind had awakened in that short minutes he’d moved and it had gotten noisy with entangled thoughts trying to disintegrate.

 He knew there was no going back.

     Kihyun was grateful though, for the solitude he’d managed for a few hours.

He chose to stare at the ceiling, waiting for the moon to pass and perhaps to wake up from this cruel reality.

* * *

The white walls and the septic smell of disinfectants greeted Myungsoo as he walked through the sliding doors of the hospital, hand holding a plastic bag of fruits and the other a bundle of books. He greeted the nurse at the front door who smiled back at him and walked down the hall, taking the elevator up to the seventh floor.

     The furthest room on the floor was his frequent spot for visit though it had significantly declined these past few months ever since he took the job of an idol group’s manager. Still, the environment didn’t change and the familiarity made Myungsoo’s steps somewhat less urgent and more composed.

     He reached the door, the number ‘1405’ written on its surface and slid it opened. The only occupant in the room was standing near the window, back facing to his guest and posture exuding defiant even in his hospital wear.

     “Yah, is that the way how you show respect to your brother.” Myungsoo said as he entered. He placed the fruits and books at the side of the bed, smiling in content.  

     The patient turned on his heel.

     “You left me to die by getting bored alone, hyung.” He huffed and eyed his gifts. “Don’t think bringing me more books is going to make this better. You’re lucky I’m lenient.” He pouted.

     Myungsoo chuckled heartily. He sighed and walked over to the patient who were still wearing a frown at him. Myungsoo ruffled his hair and the patient pouted even more.

     He then said,

     “You’re lucky to have a hyung like me, Park Myungjin-ah.”


	14. Forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jooheon sighed. “We don’t lie to each other, not among us and we don’t keep things to ourselves as well.” He carefully said. “But lately, that is all I see some of us did.”  
> A crack in the air and none heard the sound of a soul shattered into pieces. The only string holding the soul together snapped in half and there was no point of return. The pieces crumbled until they were unrecognizable.  
> And that piece was the last bit of Kihyun’s strength.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello hello dear readers! Thank you if you're still reading this. I hope this update is up to your expectation and make up to all the waiting. Leave me your precious thoughts <3
> 
> Warning: A slight mention of suicide and fainting. Nothing too graphic.
> 
> Have a nice day everyone :)

CHAPTER 14: FORGOTTEN

     Kihyun was nowhere to be found in the dorm.

When Changkyun woke up, his first instinct was to turn to his left where the main vocalist’s bed was, only to find it empty. Then he belatedly recalled that the older guy was sleeping with the leader down below. Looking at the time on his phone, the maknae thought it was one of those few days where Kihyun would sleep in to make up for lost hours. But a small voice told Changkyun to see it for himself whether the main vocalist was still in slumber or not.

     It didn’t take much effort for Changkyun to get out of bed being the second morning person. Within seconds, he was already climbing down his bed and to his surprise, finding only the leader alone still deep asleep.

     There was this weird tingling feeling that washed through Changkyun’s serenity and he strongly hoped it had nothing to do with the main vocalist being absence from Hyunwoo’s bed. Maybe he’s already up and in the kitchen, Changkyun internally thought.

It did ease him, even if only a little so he went out the room and searched the entire place only to find the rest of the group very asleep and no sight of their main vocalist.

And the cold ran through Changkyun’s blood when he noticed something; Kihyun’s shoes were missing.

     He looked around one more time, confirming that he wasn’t imagining anything and the lack of sticky note usually pinned on the kitchen’s counter adorned with Kihyun’s handwriting settled it. They weren’t scheduled for anything that day and Changkyun was already sprinting back to his shared room, shaking the leader awake.

     “Wh-what?” slurred Hyunwoo as he came about.

“Shownu hyung, I can’t find Kihyun hyung.” Changkyun said in his low voice.

     He watched as the leader turned his head and looked to his side only to find it empty. Changkyun inwardly thought if the cold that lingered at the spot left anything that was of Kihyun. Somehow, he kept thinking that the vocalist had disappeared and they wouldn’t see him again.

     “Have you checked everywhere?” Hyunwoo asked, breaking Changkyun’s train of thoughts and getting up from his bed before putting on a shirt in the speed of light.

The maknae nodded quickly. “I’ve turned the dorm upside down, hyung. His shoes are missing and there’s no note on the counter.” He explained.

Frowning, Hyunwoo walked out of the room with Changkyun trailing behind him.

     “Kihyun never left the dorm without a note.” The leader muttered. “Have you tried calling him?”

     Changkyun nodded once again. “He didn’t bring his phone with him. It’s on his bed.”

     “Shit.” Hyunwoo cursed softly.

“What should we do, hyung?”

     The front door opened.

Their heads turned and they stared, eyes wide.

     Kihyun stood at the doorway, blinking at them with both hands holding groceries.

     “Where have you been, Kihyun hyung?” Changkyun asked tightly, charging forward and not forgetting to help the vocalist with his loads. Hyunwoo caught the slight flinch that came from Kihyun as the maknae approached him.

“You didn’t leave a note or anything. Why didn’t you take your phone with you?” berated Changkyun as he strode to the kitchen with the groceries and pretending to not have seen the way Kihyun reacted.

     “I went to the store to get us some foods.” The vocalist explained, voice soft and hesitant. “There was nothing in the kitchen since we haven’t been around in the dorm lately.”

     “You mean you haven’t been around, Ki.” Hyunwoo responded, staring him square.

He watched the smaller guy moved with practice and didn’t fail to notice how Kihyun wasn’t looking at him, purposely avoiding eye contact.

     The shorter guy somewhat snorted. “Yeah, I haven’t. You guys are up early.” Kihyun spoke, hands busy moving as he functioned in the kitchen and Hyunwoo thought of all places Kihyun would look at home when he was cooking. But not right then.

     “I could say the same thing about you.” Hyunwoo walked towards the kitchen, stopping in front of the counter to stare at the vocalist. The maknae was giving the same look to the other guy as well.

     It took Kihyun awhile to notice them.

     “What?” He blinked.

Changkyun spoke first.

     “Are you okay, hyung?”

Kihyun nodded slightly. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?” He answered, giving only a glance at them before carrying on with his tasks. He moved away and faced the sink, as if intentionally showing his back to the maknae and the leader.

     “I’m making a simple breakfast for us so if Kyun helps me, it’ll be a lot faster.” Kihyun stated, talking to the wall in front him. Then he continued,

     “You should go wash up, Hyunwoo hyung. When you’re done, you can wake the rest of them up.”

Getting the sign that Kihyun wasn’t going to address anything or answer their inquiries anytime soon, the leader gave the maknae a nod with the look in his eyes that conveyed unspoken words between them. Changkyun stayed in the kitchen, helping the main vocalist while Hyunwoo rushed to the bathroom and cleaned up.

     Miraculously, it wasn’t difficult to get everyone to gather that morning. Somehow, the air in the dorm they shared carried a sort of vibe that suffocated even the most joyous member among them. Minhyuk found it hard to crack a joke when he looked at Kihyun’s face and Jooheon was fighting his own demon.

     After a while, the foods were served and they were all seated around the table in the living room, saying grace before satiating themselves. Kihyun somehow managed to sit between Hyungwon and Jooheon as they were the only ones not giving him discrete stares and then proceeded to glance worriedly at the others, at least not obviously. Minhyuk wasn’t even hiding it as he seemed to pay more attention to the slightly younger guy rather than his food.

     “Yah, Minhyuk-ah.” Hoseok called him.

He grunted, eyes still seeing only Kihyun as his chopstick went loose in his bowl.

     “You’re feeding the table your rice.” The older guy told him.

“Huh?”

     And true, he made a mess. His bowl was half empty with rice as his chopsticks pushed them out making it looked like a spillage.

     Hyungwon tsked him. “Don’t waste food, Minhyuk hyung. Kihyun cooked so you won’t go hungry.”

     “I’m starving.” Jooheon suddenly said, focusing only on his food as he inhaled a spoonful of rice. Indeed, he hadn’t eaten anything proper since yesterday.

     “B-but…” Minhyuk struggled for his words as he looked back and forth between Kihyun and Hyunwoo who was right next to him only to receive no indication of mentioning yesterday’s event.

     “Eat.” Hyunwoo instructed, staring at his food. “Then we’ll talk.”

     Minhyuk couldn’t say anything further as he reclined in his position and instead shared a sad look with the maknae sitting across from him. Changkyun seemed to be holding back as well and was reluctantly chewing his food.

Minhyuk hoped they could eat faster and get to the point already.

     But,

     “Why aren’t you eating some more?”

Hyungwon’s voice resonated throughout the living room, carrying a touch of calmness in his speech. The tall guy wasn’t much of a talker - every one of them knew it - and to witness Hyungwon addressing something out of his ordinary habit was, refreshing.

     If only the subject and context were totally different.

     Hyungwon had been asking the main vocalist, who were by his side and had barely touched the meal he prepared, simply pocking his rice with chopsticks like Minhyuk did except it was still in the bowl.

     “Huh?” Kihyun let out, dazed.

Hyungwon motioned to his bowl. “You haven’t eaten much.” He said.

     Kihyun blinked his eyes excessively then, studying the bowl in his hand with more interest than necessary.

     “I’ve eaten this morning, actually.” Kihyun spoke, nervously shifting his chopsticks on his fingers.

“You said there was nothing in the kitchen this morning.” Changkyun frowned at him and that was the point everyone stopped their eating.

     Kihyun cleared his throat. “I’m not really that hungry.” He quickly said, pushing away his bowl and releasing his chopsticks from his hold. “You guys finish up. I’m done eating.”

     “You said no more lying, Ki.” Hyunwoo spoke, eyes straight on the smaller guy.

Kihyun shook his head, hastily trying to get up with one hand wrapped around his middle and looking like he was trying to run away. “I’m telling the truth. I’m not hungry.” He said, already standing and turning around until,

     “You scared me yesterday.”

Minhyuk’s voice made him stopped.

     “What happened, Kihyunnie?”

Kihyun shook his head once again, looking at his members with a small smile they knew he faked it.

     “Nothing happened.” He forced out. “I was just tired, that’s all.”

     “Is that true?” asked Hyungwon. It teared something in Kihyun when he realized the depth of his question. And his next mistake was catching Hyunwoo’s gaze. 

     He felt his lips trembled as he tried to speak, forcing him to swallow the nausea in the back of his throat.

     “All the crying because you were tired?” Hoseok gave him a look and if Kihyun had an ounce of energy left in him, he would’ve snapped at the older guy for making him felt mocked. However, the constant ache in his middle suddenly intensified causing him to tense and Kihyun instinctively shut his eyes tight, feeling helpless and lost knowing his members were only trying to help him.

     And Kihyun’s fear was heavier; he didn’t want them to know.

     “Kihyun-ah,” Minhyuk started, putting down his chopsticks, “remember when you said if anything happens, you’ll let me be the first one to know?”

Kihyun gulped, recalling how recent he had said those words and wishing to take them back because he didn’t know anything back then.

     He wished he still didn’t.

“If it’s hard for you, we can talk in the room, just the two of us.” Minhyuk proposed, eyes pleading and Kihyun thought he didn’t deserve his friend.

     Jooheon cut him off however.

“No.” He firmly said. “I don’t want any more misunderstandings between us. If Kihyun hyung has something to tell, then he should say it to all of us.” Jooheon’s face was determined.

     The rest of them looked up and stared at Kihyun.

The main vocalist sighed and looked down. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to you guys.” He softly voiced out.

“Don’t you want to explain about yesterday?” inquired Hyungwon with a hint of hope in his tone.

     “I said I was tired!” Kihyun exasperatedly let out.

A small low voice then muttered,

     “Bullshit.”

Changkyun wasn’t looking at him and yet Kihyun felt the strike that followed. He knew he couldn’t help it as the hurt flashed through his eyes and the maknae kept on talking.

     “It was him, wasn’t it?” Changkyun locked his gaze with Kihyun then. “Myungsoo.”

     It took almost everything in his bones to not faltered at the sound of the name but Kihyun knew he failed when his head wasn’t in his heart anymore. He hoped he gave away nothing from his face.

“Is it true, Kihyun-ah? Did something happen between you and Myungsoo hyung?” Hoseok questioned.

     “No.” Kihyun shook his head, not looking at anyone in their eyes. “I was just tired. Please, I don’t want to talk about it.” He pleaded, feeling hot and cold all over him at once. His eyes had begun to sting.

     “Hyung,” Changkyun kept going, “if it’s really Myungsoo then you need to tell us. We can help you.”

“We know he’s been telling us lies about you, Kihyunnie.” Minhyuk added.

     “Hold up.” Jooheon cut in, his eyes narrowed. “Why are you guys still suspecting Myungsoo hyung when Kihyun hyung already said no?”

Changkyun seemed lost at the question. “Because he’s the only one who’d been with Kihyun hyung for the past few days and like I said-“

     “Myungsoo hyung had been saying things about Kihyun. Who knows what else he’d been doing to him?” continued Hoseok, silently making sense of the situation and grasping what little he could from the maknae’s gesture.

Jooheon made a disapproval noise, shaking his head. “You’re all blindly trying to put the blame on our manager when the guy is not even here to defend himself.” He stood up as well, food long forgotten.

     “Jooheon hyung, do you really trust our manager so much?” asked Changkyun, slightly annoyed. “Have you noticed how things have changed since he came?”

     “I’d say things had never been better, Kyunnie.” Jooheon responded, firm in his tone. “If anything, I feel like our members have changed.”

     Minhyuk frowned at him. “What do you mean?”

Jooheon sighed. “We don’t lie to each other, not among us and we don’t keep things to ourselves as well.” He carefully said. “But lately, that is all I see some of us did.”

A crack in the air and none heard the sound of a soul shattered into pieces. The only string holding the soul together snapped in half and there was no point of return. The pieces crumbled until they were unrecognizable.

     And that piece was the last bit of Kihyun’s strength.

“Hoonie’s right.” A small voice suddenly said. “Don’t put the blame on others when you don’t know anything. I hate it when people talk about me like I’m not in the room.”

     Kihyun meant to walk away. He’d turned on his spot, seeing nothing but his will to get out of the dorm and away from his members so they wouldn’t get hurt even more when the earth started to spin. The nausea doubled, and so did the ache when Kihyun realized everything felt numb to him. Sweats formed on his skin as the coldness embraced him like an old acquaintance and it took half of his barely consciousness to register that someone was calling his name. And then the world turns dark.

     Just like his soul, Kihyun lastly thought.

     Hyungwon saw it first.

Just as the main vocalist finished talking and whirled around to walk away, Hyungwon saw the slight change in Kihyun’s demeanour and how his steps faltered a few before his entire body came crashing on the floor, falling into a lifeless heap.

     “Kihyun-ah!”

     They scrambled off their seats, Hyunwoo being the fastest to react to Hyungwon’s exclaim followed by the maknae. They both got to the vocalist at the same time while the rest were still stunned with the scene. Jooheon stood frozen, watching by the side not knowing how to react.

     “Ki, hey Ki. Can you hear me?” Hyunwoo shook the guy by the shoulders, trying to get Kihyun to respond when he saw Changkyun’s hand went up to feel for the vocalist’ forehead.

     “He’s warm.” said Changkyun. Kihyun’s eyes were closed and his breathing was laboured, the maknae noted.

Hyunwoo asked, “Was he still sick for the last three days?”

     Changkyun’s face contorted with unseen pain. “I don’t know, Shownu hyung. He wasn’t at the dorm and I…” He trailed off, fighting back tears as he felt anguish consuming him unknowingly.

     “Hey, hey.” It was Minhyuk. They didn’t realize he’d come closer and was holding Changkyun by the side. “It’s okay. We didn’t know and Kihyun wasn’t looking sick. It’s not your fault, okay?” He coaxed, voice soft and eyes gentle as he comforted the youngest. But the concern in his features were too visible as he stole glances at his friend lying on the floor.

     “Should we call someone?” Hoseok asked in worry, a few distance short from them as he seemed truly taken aback with the situation.

“Myungsoo hyung’s on leave.” Hyungwon chimed in, standing next to Hoseok.

     Changkyun’s head whirled in instance. “No! Don’t call him, he’s the last person you should think of right now!”

“Changkyun-ah,” called Hyunwoo, “calm down. Please.”

     The maknae’s eyes were glazy, lips trembling as his hands hovered above Kihyun’s form, thinking how everything could’ve turned out better if he’d said something earlier.

A soft groan made them turned their attention to the main vocalist. Kihyun’s eyes fluttered opened and searched, probably wondering how he ended up on the floor.

     “Ki?” Hyunwoo prompted, hands solid and gentle as he helped the younger guy to sit up. Kihyun was still trying to make sense as he looked around but sitting up brought pain to his abdomen so he hissed from the friction.

     “Ki, what’s wrong? Tell me where it hurts.” instructed Hyunwoo in his superior tone, though a little restricted as he properly scanned the main vocalist.

     “My stomach. It hurts.” Kihyun gritted out between breathes. He had his arms wound around his middle and curled in on himself. That was all it took to made up Hyunwoo’s mind.

     He spoke with finality, “You’re going to the hospital.”

* * *

Park Myungjin was in his early twenties when he tried to end his own life. The attempt was unsuccessful as he was brought to treatment within time and he found himself in a deep coma for a couple of years. When he woke up, he remembered everything until the day he hung a cloth around his neck, too far gone to think there would be a future for him. But nobody knew he remembered, not even his older brother.

     He didn’t know what had happened as he laid comatose but it wasn’t hard to learn the history of it compared to foreseeing one’s future. And he always wondered how things would’ve been different if he hadn’t made that decision. For one, his older brother would be a lot happier than he was then.

He’d stayed admitted in the hospital, pertaining to some of his symptoms which had yet to completely resolved and fear of attempting the same action again in the presence of no one. The hospital staff kept him company and he was always roaming around the wards, making new friends as he helped the nurses with little things. They looked at him like he was disabled but he didn’t mind.

     Life was easier when he was being himself rather than pretending.

     It had been a few months since his older brother got a new job and he was utterly surprised at first when he found out what it was. No one told him; he’d simply scrolled through his phone – his only means to finding out about the world outside – when he came across an article of the group from the company he used to train at. The memory stung where it had left a scar but he was passed all that.

What shocked him was when he recognized his brother among the idols, walking along them looking like acquaintances. Many thoughts ran through his head as he felt confusion and rage mixed into one, giving him into digging more and more of what was happening.

     Recent photos confirmed his suspicions however, as he carefully studied the drastic changes among the group members, particularly one of them. And the anger built up inside him miraculously faded.

Perhaps it was the two years sleeping, getting enough rest more than his youth deemed necessary, or maybe the way he see things are different then, that what happened didn’t seem to matter much any longer.

     He never blamed anyone for it though, but he knew his hyung saw it differently.

And as the rage faded, fear took its place. For Myungjin knew, that if his hyung was doing exactly what he thought he was doing, then he was doing it for him.

     “Myungjin-ah.”

He looked up, catching his brother’s gaze at the sound of his name.

     “Wae?” He asked, smiling a little.

He heard his brother sighed. He’d been doing it a lot ever since Myungjin woke up and he wondered how deep he had scarred his own brother.

     “I only have two days off.” Myungsoo told him. “Do you really want to spend your time reading those books rather than with me?” He inquired, sounding bored.

     Myungjin shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t feel like going outside.” He simply said. The book in his hand gave him a sense of secure, the pages touched him with familiarity and the words were something he could take lightly of.

“Not even a while? We can just walk around or you can sit in the wheelchair. I’ll push you.” Myungsoo suggested, peeling another apple in his hand as Myungjin finished off the first one.

     “Maybe later.” He answered, chewing the fruit in his mouth as he closed his book and shifted slightly on his bed so that he was facing his brother.

     “Hyung.” He called.

Myungsoo hummed in response, eyes glued on the apple.

     “Do you want to travel?”

The older guy’s face turned perplexed.

“Travel?”

     Myungjin nodded.

     “Where to?” asked Myungsoo.

Myungjin rubbed his knuckles, thinking. “I’ve no specific place in mind. But I was thinking something like a road trip.” He answered, face lighting up.

     Myungsoo’s eyes blinked, unsure. “We need to ask the doctor if you’re well enough to go on a trip.” He muttered. Then shook his head.

     “No, scratch that. We need to make sure you’re healthy to be discharged.” announced Myungsoo.

     Myungjin grinned. “That won’t be a problem.” He said. “For your information Myungsoo hyung, I’ve made progress. The doctor might see you in a few days to tell you about it.” Myungjin couldn’t hide the pride in his voice.

“That’s good.” nodded Myungsoo, impressed. “It’s about time, don’t you think?” He whispered, gazing at the apple in his hand. Myungjin watched as his brother’s eyes turned glassy within seconds and the guilt in him returned.

     “Mianhe, hyung.” He uttered, words dripping with honesty.

That seemed to break Myungsoo from his reverie. He looked up, and just as quick he blinked his tears away, feigning a smile that were too hollow on him.

     “You don’t need to apologize, Myungjin-ah.” He spoke, voice rough on the edge. Clearing his throat, Myungsoo placed the apple and knife on the plate before standing up.

He stared at Myungjin for a while before saying,

     “You know what? I think I’ll go see the doctor now and ask him what he thinks about our plan, see if you’re fit for a road trip and such. Yeah… I’ll be back in a while.”

Myungjin watched in silence as his brother left the room. He knew a while meant longer and that his brother might not return soon, but eventually he will, maybe when Myungjin was taking a nap so that he wouldn’t have to act like he did see the doctor and they wouldn’t have to have a conversation that burdened too much.

     Unknowing to him, Myungjin sighed. He kept his book by the side of his bed and let his legs hung before getting on his feet.

     He walked over to the window – one of his favourite spots when his head gets too loud – and stared outside. He was aware that Myungsoo was expecting him to sing again. He’d never mentioned on it though, not directly but the little hints his brother gave was enough for him to get the message.

     Myungsoo still thinks he was chasing his dream.

But Myungjin had something else in mind then, something that wouldn’t require him to doubt himself and perhaps leading to him making the same mistake twice.

He hoped he could let it out one day.

     More importantly, he hoped his brother knew.

Thinking back to his brother’s current occupation and the possible motives he held that Myungjin had successfully interpreted on his own, he thought it’d be best if he could end it soon.

     And there wouldn’t be a better time than then.

Myungjin made up his mind.

     Turning on his heels, Myungjin sauntered over to the door and out the hall in quest to find his brother.

He should straighten things up, clear the mess away and start a new beginning with his hyung. Yeah, that was the best thing to do, he thought.

     Not knowing where to look for his brother, Myungjin took the elevator down to the ground floor. He was confident despite wearing a hospital gown, having familiarized himself with the hospital layout as he passed nurses and doctors who greeted him friendly.

     Having reached the ground floor, Myungjin took a turn at the waiting area, thinking his brother might be sitting nearby somewhere trying to clear his mind when he saw a glance of a familiar face. But the hustling crowds at the space made it hard for him to distinguish even his own brother so Myungjin stepped into the treatment zone of the emergency department which was less occupied.

     And that was the reason why as quick as he had scanned the area, Myungjin met eyes with another young male by his age lying on the hospital bed at the corner near him with an iv line attached to him.

His eyes went round as he recognized the face.

     “Kihyun?”

 


	15. Train Wreck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hyung.” Kihyun called, voice soft. “If something bad happens because of you and there’s nothing you can do to make it right again,” his eyes met Hyunwoo’s, “what would you do?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello there! Thank you so much for all the comments and kudos, my dear readers. I'm so sorry for not replying to any of them but I do read them and enjoy knowing how you feel about this story so keep it coming yeah? It helps with my writing *wink
> 
> Enjoy this update and have a nice day :)

CHAPTER 15: TRAIN WRECK

     “Do you… know me?” Kihyun cautiously asked, staring at a young male who was apparently a patient from his clothing.

The guy tilted his head and blinked back at him.

     After a beat, he smiled a friendly smile and walked over to the side of the bed where Kihyun was lying.

     “Yoo Kihyun-ssi.” He said, still smiling.

Up close, Kihyun could see the evidence of why he was wearing a hospital gown; underneath the smiling face was the look that one wore when one had been sick for too many times or rather, for too long. But the fire in his eyes told a different story, Kihyun noted.

He thought the guy looked familiar as well.

     “I’m sorry.” He managed to let out, caught off guard as the guy mentioned his full name. “Have we met before?” He slowly pulled himself up into a sitting position.

The guy seemed amused for a second before his mundane smile returned.

     “I’ve never been to Monsta X’s concert before and I’ve only watched you behind the screen so I don’t think that counts.” He responded.    

     Oh, a fan. Kihyun thought.

“Are you a fan?” He inquired, wanting to confirm.

     The guy chuckled before sitting down on a chair next to the bed. He folded his arms and looked at Kihyun.

     “You could say so.” He nudged his chin towards Kihyun’s direction. “What happened?” He questioned.

Kihyun frowned, looking down at his arm where the needle was inserted and fiddling with the tape holding it in place.

     He bit his bottom lip. “I forgot that I was human. I break and I let everyone around me get hurt.” He muttered.

     “Wow.” The guy’s eyes were wide. “That’s deep for a first-time conversation.” He said, leaning further into the chair.

     Kihyun lightly laughed, the echo of his mirth vibrated throughout his small frame as he kept his eyes on his arm.

     “Sorry.” He softly spoke. “Of all people, I thought you’d be able to relate.”

“Nahh.” The guy swatted his hand and Kihyun noticed his fingers were elegant in some ways. It contrasted to his short and chubby ones.

     “I’m only here because I don’t want to go outside.” The guy told him. “But I guess I can’t stay here forever, so it’s time to move on.”

Kihyun hesitated for a while before asking,

     “How long have you been… sick?”

The guy’s eyes swirled around before answering him,

     “Quite a long time. Let’s just say I wasn’t around when you debuted.”

“Owh.” Kihyun let out. “I’m sorry.”

     The guy frowned at him. “You’ve apologized twice within a few minutes we talked. Are you alright?”

     Kihyun felt himself nodded his head as he stared down at his lap, letting his hair cover his face because he didn’t want anyone, not a stranger, to see through his eyes and witness the damage he’d become – unrepairable.

     “I’m feeling better.” Kihyun told him. “Otherwise, you won’t witness me being so decent.”

The guy smirked at him. “Glad to hear that. So I guess you’re not staying around?” He asked.

Kihyun shook his head and pointed to the iv-bag hanging by his side. “I’m done when that empties. Just needed some fluid in before I can function again.”

     “Huh.” The guy nodded. He opened his mouth to say something only to close it back, hesitancy written on his face. He smiled then and Kihyun thought he saw a resemblance of someone he knew, but he couldn’t pinpoint exactly who.

Someone cleared his throat.

     “I see you already make a new friend, Ki.”

Kihyun looked up to the sound of the voice, seeing Hyunwoo having walked into the treatment area with an amused expression. He was about to say something when the guy in the chair stood up and smoothed out his hospital gown.

“I take that as my cue to leave.” He said, nodding his head to the leader and turning back to catch Kihyun’s gaze. He was still smiling and Kihyun felt his own lips went loose as they curled.

     “Take care. Everything will be fine soon.” The guy patted Kihyun by the shoulder before walking away from the two idols, leaving them stunned at his departure.

     “Who was that?” Hyunwoo asked, claiming his spot at the chair.

Kihyun frowned. “I don’t know him. But he knows me.”

“Monbebe?” questioned Hyunwoo.

     Kihyun could only shrugged. “I didn’t ask him his name.” He mumbled softly.

“I hope he doesn’t say anything about meeting you in the hospital.” Hyunwoo muttered underneath his breath, taking out his phone.

     “Who are you texting?” Kihyun inquired.

He watched how Hyunwoo’s face scrunched as he scrolled through the screen.

     “Hoseokie.” He stated. “The parking’s full and I told him it’d be a while until we can leave so he’s going to buy dinner before coming back here.”

Kihyun hummed in response. He missed the look Hyunwoo gave him from the side of the bed as the leader kept his phone away.

     “Ki?”

The vocalist brought his head up. “Yeah?”

     Hyunwoo was staring at him. “We can’t help you if you won’t tell us what’s wrong.”

Kihyun stared down at his lap. He wanted help, he needed help, but he didn’t think he deserved it.

     “I…” He trailed off.

He heard the sound of shifting from his side and for a moment, Kihyun thought Hyunwoo was going to leave him.

     Maybe it’d be better, a voice told him. If they left, then no one would get hurt.

     “What did the doctor say?” Hyunwoo’s calm and low tone soothed something in Kihyun as he realized the leader had pulled the chair closer to the bed and was looking at him with care in his tired eyes.

For no reason, Kihyun felt like crying.

     And for a second, he almost wanted to tell him.

Almost.

     “Exhaustion.” He shakily let out, avoiding Hyunwoo’s eyes. “I’ve been losing sleep and my eating pattern is so messed up that my stomach went into shock or something like that. I have a slight fever as well.”

“Is that all?” asked Hyunwoo. And Kihyun hoped there was nothing more beneath that question.

     He didn’t enjoy lying, and of all people to the hyung that he cared about and trust so much.

Kihyun knew if he were thinking right, he would’ve pictured himself in Hyunwoo’s spot and knowing he wouldn’t want to be left in the dark.

     But the extent of the damage was uncontainable by any of the members.

     For a life was lost and Kihyun never thought, not once, that probably it was never his fault to begin with.

     “That is all.” And still, Kihyun lied. He looked away.

“I didn’t tell anyone about this, you know.” Hyunwoo suddenly said. “Not even Myungsoo…hyung.”

     Kihyun’s mind reeled back to the moment Hyunwoo practically lifted him off the floor when he’d said they were going to the hospital. Minhyuk had wanted to come, and so did Changkyun but seeing as how the maknae was on edge and needed calming, the older guy chose to stay at the dorm with him. Hoseok had took it to himself to be the driver, seeing as the leader’s hands were occupied and Kihyun was too out of his mind to object. He’d never imagined the personal car they had parked in the apartment’s compound for emergency cases would finally come to use.

     “Will we be fine? What if anyone from the company finds out?” Kihyun asked, genuinely worried as his head cleared.

     “By then, I hope you would’ve told us what happened between you and Myungsoo hyung.” said Hyunwoo. “Only then, we can help you, Ki.”

“Hyung.” Kihyun called, voice soft. “If something bad happens because of you and there’s nothing you can do to make it right again,” his eyes met Hyunwoo’s, “what would you do?”

     He watched as the leader’s face changed, a fleeting look crossed his gaze and his lips parted.

     “I’ll take the blame. Admit my wrongs.” Hyunwoo said.

“Just like that?” Kihyun asked with doubt.

     Hyunwoo ran his fingers through his hair. “I’ll heal, through time. And be better.”

“What if there is no better after?” Kihyun quickly asked, voice hardening and jaws tightened.

     Hyunwoo’s expression softened.

     “No one knows that, Kihyun. The only reason it seemed that way because people won’t give you a chance. We both know it’s not the world that can kill us. It’s the messed-up people trying to run the world.”

“And what’s the price we have to pay to get that chance, Hyunwoo hyung?”

     He heard the leader sighed. “You still don’t get it, do you?”

Kihyun stared at the older guy, waiting for his next words when Hyunwoo said,

     “Human make mistakes. What you choose next is your chance for the better. Some fall even harder, but some get up stronger. And often people forget one thing.”

“What is it?”

     Hyunwoo’s lips curled ever so slightly. “That they’re never alone. They don’t have to push away those who care for them because they’re afraid they’d get hurt. They’re in it together.” He answered with a knowing look in his eyes.

Kihyun’s dam broke free silently. There was a noise of shuffling and the chair screeched on the floor surface when all of a sudden Kihyun found himself in an embrace. Two long arms, warm and real held him with faith he knew had faded off him and his head tucked neatly under a chin feeling secured, his face buried in a chest thrumming along the heartbeat of their leader.

The only rhythm that made him feel alive.

* * *

“When are they coming back?”

Minhyuk’s question rang through the dorm’s living room for the second time within the last ten minutes as he paced back and forth at the same spot. Changkyun was watching him from the couch, feeling less worried as the older guy grew more anxious.

     “They’ll be back when they get back, Minhyuk hyung. You’re starting to tire me.” The maknae snapped, making the puppy-like guy to cease his movements.

     “Why are you getting angry at me for?” questioned Minhyuk, looking dissatisfied as he sat down on the couch as well.

Changkyun felt like fuming. “You were the one who insisted we both stayed behind and now you’re acting this way.”

     “We would only attract attention if we go, Kyunnie.” responded Minhyuk, pointing to his head. “Just look at our hair, it’s a dead giveaway.”

     Changkyun stared begrudgingly at Minhyuk’s blonde strands and his own recently-dyed grey locks. He fisted his hair with both hands and groaned.

     “We have caps, hyung. Or beanies. Won’t hurt us and it’s allowed in hospitals.”

     Minhyuk snorted. “I know. It’s not the only reason why I didn’t let you go. You’re already blaming yourself for it.” He muttered.

Changkyun bit his lips. “I could have helped, hyung. Don’t you see? I know what was going on between them and I didn’t say anything about it. If I did, things would never go this way.” He let out, exasperated.

     Minhyuk quirked his eyebrows and crossed his arms over his chest. “Maybe.” He responded. “But I know Kihyun, and I know he won’t want anyone to blame themselves for what happened. Besides, it’ll get better soon.”

     “How can you be so positive, hyung?” sighed the maknae.

The older guy smiled, showing his teeth. “I’m living with six amazing people. Nothing can go wrong with that.”

Someone sniffed in the corner.

     They looked up to see Jooheon standing awkwardly near the tv. He’d disappeared after helping Hyungwon cleaned up their dishes and the taller guy had dragged himself back to bed, saying out loud that he’d wake up when the day gets brighter and everyone got his message.

     “Jooheonie?” Minhyuk called out.

“Where’ve you been?” Changkyun asked.

     The older rapper pointed behind him. “The bathroom.” He answered.

     The older guy patted at the empty spot between him and the maknae. “Wanna sit with us and talk?”

     He nodded his head and walked straight to them. But he didn’t sit and the other two stared at him questioningly.

     “What?” Changkyun frowned.

“I shouldn’t have said what I said before. To Kihyun hyung.” He told them.

     “Are you finally in your right mind?” snapped Changkyun, glaring at the other rapper.

It was rare to see the two younger guys in disagreement despite what happened in their days during No Mercy. Jooheon had been tough on the maknae and Changkyun didn’t seem to want to be there as well. So it surprised everyone how fast they clicked with each other and Minhyuk had never found a better pair himself.

     But them being in a conflict pronounced the severity of the case.

And Minhyuk’s mind was brought back to the sight of Kihyun lying on the floor looking like a worn-out porcelain doll.

“If we’re going to talk, I need to know what exactly happened with Myungsoo hyung and Kihyun hyung.” Jooheon said out loud. “From the very beginning.”

     The maknae sighed in defeat. “If you’re asking why Myungsoo hyung lied, I don’t have the answer.” Changkyun honestly told him, his voice tired. “Even Kihyun hyung couldn’t figure out the reason.”

     Minhyuk tsked. “But something tells me,” he spoke in a hushed voice, “Kihyun already knows.”

Jooheon plopped down on the floor in a haste. “Really? How do you know, hyung? And why are you speaking quietly?”

     “For effects.” Minhyuk said, voice back to normal volume. “It blends to the drama, right?”

Changkyun hit his hyung lightly on the arm. “Focus, hyung.” He growled. “Tell us what you know.”

     Jooheon stopped him. “No. Tell me what you know and what Kihyun hyung told you. And then we’ll hear Minhyuk hyung’s part.” He requested.

The oldest between the three nodded his head in agreement, giving Changkyun a reassuring gaze to convey his side of the story so that none of the members were left in the dark again.

     The youngest inhaled deeply. And let out his breathe.

He stared at Jooheon sharply.

     “No interrupting until I’m done.”

The older rapper could only obey and nodded his head.

     The maknae’s lips parted and the pieces were starting to fit into place.

Except for one.

     Because the last piece was kept hidden.

* * *

Kihyun’s head was down and his face was covered with a black mask as he stood in front of the hospital lobby, waiting for Hoseok to drive to the entrance to pick him up. Hyunwoo had left earlier, thinking that people might noticed him due to his tall and well-built stature so he walked to where Hoseok was waiting. He didn’t let Kihyun walked with him, not after seeing the amount of medications the nurse had dispensed for him to take at home. Hence, he was told to wait.

Kihyun thought it was silly and funny of him.

     There weren’t as many people in the lobby compared to the waiting area but Kihyun’s habit had him pulling the mask on his face higher every few seconds. He tried to keep his head from looking around and straight towards one direction but the soft buzzing in the environment was endearing even to him.

He felt less like a crap, if he could say so. The fluid and medication did the job, but the serene he felt slowly coming back to him was mostly Hyunwoo’s doing. Taking in other’s advice was always good but letting the leader’s words to sink in worked miracles.

     That was why when Kihyun caught the familiar silhouette walking past him and towards the entrance, his resolution kicked in like adrenaline and his feet moved as well.

His mind didn’t question it and his heart definitely told him it was fate that he would meet with Myungsoo right after he found his courage to face the truth.

     “Hyung!” He called out, lightly running to catch up with the guy whose stride was longer and faster than Kihyun. It could’ve been the noise being outside or perhaps the older guy wasn’t expecting to meet with anyone that he didn’t stop even when Kihyun was sure he’d heard him.

     “Myungsoo hyung!” He tried again.

This time, the manager stopped in his track as if frozen. Shock was evident on his face as he turned to face the vocalist and if Kihyun had been closer, he would’ve seen how Myungsoo’s eyes flashed from surprised to anger in a beat.

     “You?” Myungsoo let out heavily as Kihyun approached him, unaware of what was to come next.

“Hyung-“

     “What are you doing here, Kihyun?” asked the older guy roughly, his voice shaky at the edge.

     Kihyun blinked a few times but his heart didn’t waver. He took it as a good sign.

     “I caught a fever but I’m fine, hyung. I have something to tell you.” He said.

Kihyun should’ve seen it when Myungsoo’s eyes turned glassy and how his face hardened at Kihyun’s words.

     “You met him, didn’t you?” He mumbled in a low voice. Kihyun didn’t heard him.

     “What did you say, Myungsoo hyung?”

“He saw you. And now he says he’s not singing anymore.” Myungsoo kept talking but he wasn’t exactly addressing Kihyun. He seemed to be in his own head.

     “Who is not singing anymore, hyung?”

Myungsoo finally looked at him. “My brother.” He whispered, tears falling from his eyes.

     Kihyun was confused. “But your brother…he’s, gone, Myungsoo hyung.” He let out with strain.

“Because of you!” Myungsoo lashed out, taking angry steps towards Kihyun and the younger guy thought it was foolish of him for he did not move. He kept his ground, hoping Myungsoo could sense his sincerity.

     He was about to be better, Kihyun’s heart told him.

     “I’m sorry, Myungsoo hyung. I’m really sorry.” Kihyun honestly said. “I can’t change what happened but let me make it up to you.”

     Myungsoo gave him an incredulous look. “YOU? Want to make it up to ME?” He sniggered, wiping away his tears angrily. “How? Want to kill yourself?”

Kihyun was taken aback for just a second before he collected himself.

     “I know what you’ve been trying to do, Myungsoo hyung.” He uttered. “I know all those things, making me lose weight and giving me schedules that wore me out. I know you drugged me so that I lose my voice, hyung.”

Kihyun recalled what the doctor had told him, the part he’d left out when Hyunwoo asked him.

     If Myungsoo was shocked at the revelation, he never showed it. His face was only pure rage by then.

The vocalist took it as an opening to keep talking.

     “I know you were trying to make me give up, lose hope like Myungjin did. But I won’t, hyung. I’ll let you see a better me-“

     _Slap._

Kihyun’s head whirled, obeying the inertia before he could feel the impact. He never saw Myungsoo’s hand aimed for his cheek and he perfectly missed the look that crossed Myungsoo’s face at the mention of his brother’s name.

     He was stunned.

Myungsoo didn’t even look at him when he spoke next,

     “Don’t. Ever. Say my brother’s name again.” He gritted out. “Myungjin didn’t give up. His chance was stolen from him.”

With that, the manager walked away leaving the idol with a throbbing ache on one side of his face.

     Kihyun found himself shaking and he belatedly realized his phone was vibrating. Hyunwoo was calling him. But he couldn’t pick up.

     And note this,

That was the moment Kihyun became defenceless to Myungsoo’s touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of you are worried that I might stop writing or discontinue this story so let me reassure you on something; this story has a total of 20 chapters in plan and I have all the plots I need to conclude it so we'll get to the end together, okay? *kisses  
> And by the way, I know it seems trivial to say that Kihyun caused Myungjin to give up on his dream but there'll be more to it than what I've written so far and it'll be in future chapters. So aren't you glad you kept reading? hehe <3


	16. Hope Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Kihyun questioned his sanity. He shouldn’t have hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Update, yeay! This is short but still, I hope my dear readers enjoy it :)  
> Have a nice day and take care *kisses

CHAPTER 16: HOPE NOT

_Two and a half years ago…_

_“What do you mean he couldn’t make it?”_

_“Mr. Park, the decision has already been made. There’s no changing it once the board approves the final line-up.”_

_“But what about my brother?”_

_“His time will come.”_

_“But he’s been here for seven years!”_

_“Please, don’t make a scene. Otherwise, we will have to call the security.”_

_“No, please. I just want my brother to make it into the list. I thought the company prioritize those who have been training longer.”_

_“The lists are full. We have enough vocalists and Myungjin’s name was not picked. Now, please Mr. Park. I need you to leave.”_

_“How are the lists full when a few days ago my brother was informed that he’ll be included in the survival show?”_

_“Those were unconfirmed words and we do not know the source of it nor are we responsible for it. The end say is what matters. And someone else was chosen instead.”_

_“Someone else?”_

_“Yes. Please leave, Mr. Park. This kind of behaviour won’t do your brother any favour.”_

_“So you mean my brother did have a spot? But someone else took it?”_

_“There was a poll and it was between him and the other trainee. Majority picked the other trainee.”_

_“I don’t understand. My brother trains so hard and for what? To be the second choice?”_

_“The board saw something more in the other trainee and Myungjin had been falling back in his vocal classes. There’s nothing to question about who was chosen.”_

_“Who’s the other guy?”_

_“Pardon?”_

_“The one chosen instead of Myungjin.”_

_“Yoo Kihyun. His name is Kihyun. Have a great day, Park Myungsoo-ssi.”_

* * *

Anger was one thing.

     But the fear had came in the worst way Myungsoo could’ve ever imagined.

And even after his brother woke up from his coma, Myungsoo would always have this one thought in his mind; what would’ve happened if he hadn’t left his phone behind and come back to find Myungjin hanging in his room?

It was all a matter of time.

     The doctor said the damage wasn’t substantial, that his brother was just sleeping off the pain and finding his will to breathe again.

Myungsoo never gave up on him, not once.

     He’d kept believing, thinking that Myungjin would hold on to his childhood dream and they’d figure it out together this time.

Myungsoo blamed himself for what happened. He wasn’t there for his brother, he wasn’t paying enough attention and he wasn’t around during the hard times.

     It was just the two of them for as long as Myungsoo could remember. Their parents were long gone and Myungsoo learnt to survive with a younger soul in his hands for care. None of their relatives invited them to their home and Myungsoo wasn’t going to let anyone take his brother away from him.

     So he fought. He worked like a man and when his brother became a trainee, Myungsoo wanted to stay close. A manager was an option. The pay was sufficient. He brought them food and a roof to stay alive and he’d never been content.

     Myungsoo didn’t know that Myungjin was faking his smile.

     _“It’s okay, Myungjin-ah. It’s their loss, not yours.” Myungsoo had told him one afternoon. He’d kept talking, thinking that Myungjin was needing motivations as he worked on the schedules of the group he was managing back then._

_“Will I ever debut, hyung?” Myungjin had asked him, sadness evident in his voice and not once did Myungsoo look up from his work._

_“Of course, you will!” He answered encouragingly._

_“I don’t think I can keep doing this. I don’t feel like singing anymore.”_

Those had been Myungjin’s words before Myungsoo had left him to work, returning home only to find him barely alive.

     The sorrow that washed over him couldn’t spare him from the regrets as Myungsoo recalled having brushed off his brother’s words as a temporary dejection.

A year passed.

     Then came another.

Myungsoo wanted redemption.

Seeing his brother, young and lying on his bed wasting away his youth when he could’ve become much more fuelled on Myungsoo’s unspoken contempt.

     It wasn’t helping as the group which Myungjin could’ve, no, should’ve, been in was paving ways and thriving to be among the tops.

     Myungsoo heard their names, listened to their songs and watched them.

He didn’t like Kihyun’s smile.

     The boy could sing, he’d give him that but that was all Myungsoo saw in him.

Then his mind brought him back to his own brother, the one who can sing and dance like he was built for it, act if you ask him to and actually look like an idol.

     And that was when Myungsoo’s demon sparked a thought in him.

He was going to break the main vocalist.

     He would take what was meant to be his brother’s and let Kihyun share the feeling of hopeless.

For that was what Myungsoo had felt for 48 months without his brother’s voice.

     He entered, settled in and made himself belonged in the group. And Myungsoo thought that luck must be with him when Kihyun allowed himself to be manipulated by a stranger.

     Myungsoo would laugh every time he remembered how easy it was for Kihyun to crack. And the poor guy was good at hiding it from everyone else that Myungsoo didn’t have to try.

But it didn’t help as Myungsoo developed something else, something he used to feel for his old group but that was years ago. He didn’t think the feeling would return.

     He fell for them. Most of them.

Kihyun wasn’t always in the picture when the rest of Monsta X’s managed to make Myungsoo feel human again. He’d built a sense of respect with the leader, a touch of beagle with the care-free vocalist and a hint of joy with the older rapper.

     Heck, even Hyungwon charmed his way in with his sleepy-head image, yawning every minute he could that Myungsoo sometimes sympathized the kids.

But that was the irony. He’d take one look at the main vocalist and Myungsoo saw what he’d done and what Kihyun had become but he kept going.

     Myungsoo wasn’t going to stop.

Or at least that was his resolution before Myungjin woke up with no memories of his own suicide. A small part in him told him it was enough by then, that he should leave while he could.

     The wrath kept him grounded.

He carried on, secluding the younger guy from the others as he worked him to the point of no sleep, whispering words that would bring misery to the frail soul and witnessing him fall apart.

Myungsoo thought Kihyun would never ask his motives. The reasons why he was snatched into depression brought about by the new manager and devoid from any kind of care and support.

     Myungjin was gone, in Myungsoo’s eyes.

Because the person smiling at him though wore his brother’s face was no longer the boy who wanted to sing.

     And it snapped Myungsoo in half when Myungjin actually said it out loud to him.

     “ _Hyung, let’s stop, hyung. I don’t want you to keep doing this.” Myungjin said the moment he returned to the room._

_Myungsoo was perplexed. “What are you talking about, Myungjin-ah?”_

_Myungjin smiled sadly at him and the look he gave reminded Myungsoo of the old Myungjin._

_The one who remembered._

_“I know what you’re doing. You need to stop, hyung. It won’t change the fact that I’m still here while he became an idol.” replied Myungjin._

_And it dawned on Myungsoo that his secrets were known._

_He sighed heavily._

_“You don’t know how scared I was, thinking you were going to leave me.” Myungsoo told him. “I felt helpless, there was nothing I could do.”_

_“But how does hurting Kihyun helps?” Myungjin cut him off. “You’ll end up in trouble, hyung. And I’ll be the one losing you instead.”_

_“You won’t lose me. I’m not leaving you.” Myungsoo reassured him, smiling back. “I’ll stop.” He admitted._

_Myungjin’s smile grew bigger. “Good. Then we can live our life.” He stated._

_Myungsoo nodded his head. “Yeah. You can sing again, Myungjin-ah.”_

_The younger guy’s smile faltered. “No, hyung. No more singing.”_

_“What?”_

_“I don’t want to sing anymore, Myungsoo hyung.” He calmly said. “My time is over.”_

After all he had done.

     And everything led back to the one person Myungsoo could only blame.

He’d never wanted to get physical, no. He was still a person, Myungsoo was.

     His head was messed up but most of the time, when he wasn’t stressed and tired, he still see Kihyun as a person as well.

But Myungjin gave up.

     He didn’t want to sing anymore.

He didn’t want to debut.

No, Myungsoo thought. Myungjin never gave up.

     And Kihyun deserved the slap.

Myungsoo just never thought it would bring him satisfaction when he heard the sound of his hand colliding with Kihyun’s face and the idol’s head whirled, expressing shock and pain at once.

     His hand throbbed later but he didn’t care.

Myungsoo was done.

     He wasn’t going to just break Kihyun anymore.

He wanted him dead.

* * *

Kihyun climbed into the car quietly, sitting at the back while Hoseok was in the driver’s seat with Hyunwoo by the side.

     “You feeling better, Kihyunnie?” asked the second oldest, glancing at the rear-view mirror to look at the main vocalist.

It took Kihyun awhile to respond.

     “Y-yeah, hyung.” He fidgeted in his seat when he saw Hoseok’s eyes narrowed.

     “Your cheek’s red.” He noted.

Kihyun quickly nodded and covered his face with his hands.

     “It’s the fever. But I’m much better.” He mumbled out between his fingers. “I’m sorry for troubling you, hyung.” Kihyun whispered.

He heard Hoseok chuckled. “Don’t apologize, Kihyun. You did nothing wrong.”

     “Do you want to stop anywhere before we head back to the dorm, Ki?” entered Hyunwoo’s voice.

     The younger guy shook his head.

Then paused.

     “Actually…” He hesitated.

“What is it?” asked Hoseok, eyes stealing glances at Kihyun as he drove. “You can tell us, don’t worry.”

     The assurance in the older guy’s speech would’ve comforted Kihyun if he wasn’t still in shock.

He gulped the fear and spoke.

     “I was thinking if I can go home.” He let out. “My mom wants to see me. She knew I’m sick, some mother instinct must’ve notified her,” Kihyun low-key grumbled knowing it was Minhyuk’s doing, “and I kind of told her we’re having a free day tomorrow.”

The two sitting in front were quiet.

     Kihyun turned paranoid for a second, wondering if he’d said something wrong.

     “Go home.” Hyunwoo said. “You should see your mother, Ki.”

“Yeah.” Hoseok joined. “She must be worried about you.”

Kihyun sighed in relief. And smile a little.

     But then one of his cheeks hurt.

     “Thanks, hyungs.”

“When are you going?” Hyunwoo inquired.

     Kihyun felt a drop of guilt when he answered,

     “My dad’s waiting for me at the dorm.”

“Owh.” It was Hoseok.

     And the silence settled in once again.

This time, Kihyun thought it wasn’t him alone suffocating.

     He should say something. Kihyun knew there was more to be said and any kind of explanations were going to have to come from him. No one knew what was going on and a part of Kihyun hoped that no one does.

Because it would only hurt more and Kihyun was too tired.

     And thus, the entire journey back to the dorm was spent with the two oldest taking turns looking at their vocalist dongsaeng while the latter kept his head down and willed the throbbing on his cheek to quickly fade.

Kihyun chose to keep his peace. Which was none.

     For the sake of others.

He’d caused enough trouble. A trip home wouldn’t improve anything among them but Kihyun knew, or at least he thought, the members would be better without him for a while.

     Yeah, that was it.

They needed a break.

     He should take a break.

A day was worth the recuperating.

     The next came with Kihyun hoping to amend everything he’d let his members seen and heard.

And whenever his members were in his thoughts, Kihyun found himself forgetting of one other thing.

     For example, he didn’t feel the pain on his cheek any longer.

* * *

The sound of a suppressed whimper of pain and cry of agony followed as the man standing above the idol kept kicking, landing his foot mercilessly repeatedly on the younger guy and whispering words of hate that hurt much more.

     “Worthless piece of trash.” He let out in a low voice. “You’re nothing without your voice.”

     The kicking never stopped.

And the idol never fought back.

     Because that would be a different story.

     “You’re a joke, do you know that?” The man spat out, grabbing the younger guy on the floor roughly by his collar to sneer at him, “a burden to your own group.”

     And just as roughly the man shoved him away.

Kihyun’s face was a mess of tears and ache.

     His body wasn’t the way he’d recognized anymore and standing in front him, the man holding his mercy was the manager Kihyun had stopped believing in.

     Myungsoo smirked. “Look at you crying. Pathetic.” He leered.

And Kihyun questioned his sanity. He shouldn’t have hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P/s: I won't be able to update as soon as you would want me to (believe me, I tried), but hey I'll still be here so leave me your thoughts? *wink


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